Friday, October 3, 2008
Friday Night Reconsidered
WTF
grouch this week and not calling when he says he will. I just feed
right into it, becoming more [s]mothering. Looks like concern but
really it is a desperate plea for attention. Makes me so irritated
with myself. And his self-absorption, rightful or not, makes me angry
and depressed.
I have made an appointment to see my doctor on wednesday because I am
in pain again (chronic nerve pain disorder) and she may raise my meds.
We will see.
--
Sent from my mobile device
Thursday, October 2, 2008
New Addiction? [ADULT CONTENT]
Anyway, my vibrator is a very expensive, top-of-the-line model from Babeland and that's what worries me. Think you can get addicted to them? My guess is that I just haven't met a guy who turns me on enough. I keep picking "safe" guys. My ex knew how to push my buttons but he also DEMANDED that I let him get me off with oral sex at least four nights/week before he could finish himself. If I asked him to just do his part, he'd get furious. I guess some women wouldn't complain about that. My therapist says its abusive. All I know is that when it was good, it was DAMN GOOD! And probably the only part of my marriage I miss. But now I wonder if I will ever find good sex again without bringing my toy to bed?
Stolen from T
~A Course in Miracles lesson for today
From the most awesome T at The Quest for T a true inspirationAlone
Cause I'm still trying to figure it out
Don't know what's down this road, I'm just walking
Trying to see through the rain coming down
Even though I'm not the only one
Who feels the way I do
I'm alone, on my own, and that's all I know
I'll be strong, I'll be wrong, oh but life goes on
I'm just a girl, trying to find a place in this world
Got the radio on, my old blue jeans
And I'm wearing my heart on my sleeve
****
Could you tell me what more do I need?
X Returns
phone to BeBop but X wanted to talk to me. He asked if he can call
this weekend and have me change his plane ticket to next weekend.
Hmmm. I said fine then reminded him that, since he has been gone more
than 3 months, the house is rented. He said "how many rooms did they
rent?". Dumbass! Then he asked me to look into hotels for him. Lmao!
My mouth almost opened to tell him he could stay with bebop a few
nights but I managed to stuff that codependent tendency down.
Reminded him he has former coworkers he can call for help. Now we
will see. I'm not telling bebop until X,s butt is in the plane seat!
--
Sent from my mobile device
Wednesday
Then I ignored Webcam Guy's "Be Good" message and called BECG2 to see what he was doing. Mopey man, he was cleaning his house and down in the dumps because he was feeling bad. I asked if he wanted to get dinner and sleep over and he said sure so I drove his way. He couldn't figure out where to eat and I wasn't in the mood to pick so, after driving around for 45 minutes, we ended up at Taco Hell. :( I got a Fiesta Zesty Chicken Bowl and a caramel apple empanada but foolishly ate the latter first and then got sick so I couldn't eat the real food. Bleech. Then I started crying again at home. BECG2 fell asleep. Yep, I sure know how to pick 'em.
Cast of Characters
GG - me (Giving Girl)
X - Ex-husband
Be-bop - Son (5)
BECG2 - Guy I'm seeing (Blue-Eyed Cardiac Guy #2) (#1 and #2 work for the same hospital system on opposite sides of Big City)
BECG1 - FWB (Blue-Eyed Cardiac Guy #1)
Webcam Guy - FWB Christian friend who wants to save my soul
Mr. Speed - Man who wants me to move to Oregon to be his lover
Mr. Nobody - First Post-Divorce Sex
Mr. Arrogant - Selfish Sex man
Am I the only one?
I should have to be so alone
I'm smothered by this emptiness
Lord I wish I was made of stone
Like a fool I lent my soul to love
And it paid me back in change
God help me, am I the only one
Who's ever felt this way?
A heart that's worn and weathered
Would know better than to fight
But I wore mine like a weapon
Played out love like a crime
And it wrung me out and strung me out
And it hung years on my face
God help me, am I the only
Who's ever felt this way?
Now my sense of humor needs a break
I see a shadow in the mirror
And she's laughin' through her tears
One more smile's all I can fake
There is a wound inside me
And it's bleeding like a flood
There are times when I see a light ahead
Hope is not enough
As another night surrounds me
And it pounds me like a wave
God help me, am I the only one
Who's ever felt this way?
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Therapy Bites
1. I must be "needed" in order to have a relationship with others.
2. I value other's approval of my thinking, feelings, and behavior over my own.
3. I agree with others so they will like me.
4. I focus my attention on protecting others.
5. I believe most people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
6. I keep score of "good deeds and favors", becoming very hurt when they are not repaid.
7. I am very skilled at guessing how other people are feeling.
8. I can anticipate other's needs and desires, meeting them before they are asked to be met.
9. I become resentful when others will not let me help them.
10. I am calm and efficient in other people's crisis situations.
11. I feel good about myself only when I am helping others.
12. I freely offer others advice and directions without being asked.
13. I put aside my own interests and concerns in order to do what others want.
14. I ask for help and nurturing only when I am ill, and then reluctantly.
15. I cannot tolerate seeing others in pain.
16. I lavish gifts and favors on those I care about.
17. I use sex to gain approval and acceptance.
18. I attempt to convince others of how they "truly" think and "should" feel.
19. I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well-being of others.