Friday, October 3, 2008

Friday Night Reconsidered

Instead of spending the evening with BECG2 like I have for the past month or so, I worked late (ugh) but recaptured the night by hanging with my kid, playing games and then allowing him to have a sleepover in my room. He is so much fun!!! Now he's silently snoring next to me. I watched TV for the first time in forever (DVR) and actually laughed. :) Now I'm off to sleep. Yawn! This is a much more low-key, less stressful night.

Cartoon Fun


I let other people's moods affect me far too much. BECG2 has been a
grouch this week and not calling when he says he will. I just feed
right into it, becoming more [s]mothering. Looks like concern but
really it is a desperate plea for attention. Makes me so irritated
with myself. And his self-absorption, rightful or not, makes me angry
and depressed.
I have made an appointment to see my doctor on wednesday because I am
in pain again (chronic nerve pain disorder) and she may raise my meds.
We will see.

Sent from my mobile device

Thursday, October 2, 2008

New Addiction? [ADULT CONTENT]

This site says it's impossible but I'm starting to wonder if I've become addicted to my vibrator. LOL. Ever since my divorce, I have been hyper-sexual, hence Webcam Guy, BECG2 for regular sex and last Saturday night's rendezvous with my good buddy, BECG1, who needed a good lay and got one. None of these guys (or the two one-night stands before them - Mr. Nobody and Mr. Arrogant) gave me what I needed. Webcam Guy has anger issues, especially when it comes to his ex. BECG2 is a big guy and has some medical issues but boy does he have a nice-sized penis that hits all the right spots. :) Unfortunately his skills in terms of what works for me aren't that great so I end up having to use the vibrator to finish. Similar problem with BCEG1, who has some serious ED issues. He does have some nice compensating skills but, whether from the damn anti-BowChickaBowWow drugs or his down attitude, I couldn't finish with him alone. The only awesome post-divorce sex was a full-day marathon with Mr. Nobody after a wicked hot night of phone/webcam sex and then he never called again. Sigh... Oh and Mr. Speed was texting me some hot shit but now he has found a girlfriend. So never mind. That's okay, though. He is too damn far away. I can't even get to the other side of my huge town (especially with all these traffic lights down!) so how am I going to get to Oregon?

Anyway, my vibrator is a very expensive, top-of-the-line model from Babeland and that's what worries me. Think you can get addicted to them? My guess is that I just haven't met a guy who turns me on enough. I keep picking "safe" guys. My ex knew how to push my buttons but he also DEMANDED that I let him get me off with oral sex at least four nights/week before he could finish himself. If I asked him to just do his part, he'd get furious. I guess some women wouldn't complain about that. My therapist says its abusive. All I know is that when it was good, it was DAMN GOOD! And probably the only part of my marriage I miss. But now I wonder if I will ever find good sex again without bringing my toy to bed?

Stolen from T

"Your healing Voice protects all things today, and so I leave all things to You. I need be anxious over nothing. For Your Voice will tell me what to do and where to go; to whom to speak and what to say to him, what thoughts to think, what words to give the world. The safety that I bring is given me. Father, Your Voice protects all things through me."

~A Course in Miracles lesson for today

From the most awesome T at The Quest for T a true inspiration


I don't know what I want, so don't ask me
Cause I'm still trying to figure it out
Don't know what's down this road, I'm just walking
Trying to see through the rain coming down
Even though I'm not the only one
Who feels the way I do
I'm alone, on my own, and that's all I know
I'll be strong, I'll be wrong, oh but life goes on
I'm just a girl, trying to find a place in this world

Got the radio on, my old blue jeans
And I'm wearing my heart on my sleeve
Could you tell me what more do I need?

X Returns

X called this morning as I was walking out the door. I passed the
phone to BeBop but X wanted to talk to me. He asked if he can call
this weekend and have me change his plane ticket to next weekend.
Hmmm. I said fine then reminded him that, since he has been gone more
than 3 months, the house is rented. He said "how many rooms did they
rent?". Dumbass! Then he asked me to look into hotels for him. Lmao!
My mouth almost opened to tell him he could stay with bebop a few
nights but I managed to stuff that codependent tendency down.
Reminded him he has former coworkers he can call for help. Now we
will see. I'm not telling bebop until X,s butt is in the plane seat!

Sent from my mobile device


I spent Wednesday crying. A lot. Got set off first thing in the morning and could not stop. Uber-impressive for work. Webcam Guy invited me to church and gave me a lecture on why I need to stop having sex and give my life to God. This from the man who lets me watch him do his thing (and vice versa) and is the dirtiest phone sex talker I've ever encountered. LOL. So after a hectic day at work and a ton of tears, I decided I could use a little church so I went. It ended up being very therapeutic. The session was a Rebuilders divorce recovery group and they were focusing on grief and anger, which God knows I have plenty of. More on that later.

Then I ignored Webcam Guy's "Be Good" message and called BECG2 to see what he was doing. Mopey man, he was cleaning his house and down in the dumps because he was feeling bad. I asked if he wanted to get dinner and sleep over and he said sure so I drove his way. He couldn't figure out where to eat and I wasn't in the mood to pick so, after driving around for 45 minutes, we ended up at Taco Hell. :( I got a Fiesta Zesty Chicken Bowl and a caramel apple empanada but foolishly ate the latter first and then got sick so I couldn't eat the real food. Bleech. Then I started crying again at home. BECG2 fell asleep. Yep, I sure know how to pick 'em.

Cast of Characters

For those of you who didn't follow my other blog (and, ha-ha, even for those of you who did), here is the cast of characters for this one.

GG - me (Giving Girl)
X - Ex-husband
Be-bop - Son (5)
BECG2 - Guy I'm seeing (Blue-Eyed Cardiac Guy #2) (#1 and #2 work for the same hospital system on opposite sides of Big City)
BECG1 - FWB (Blue-Eyed Cardiac Guy #1)
Webcam Guy - FWB Christian friend who wants to save my soul
Mr. Speed - Man who wants me to move to Oregon to be his lover
Mr. Nobody - First Post-Divorce Sex
Mr. Arrogant - Selfish Sex man

Am I the only one?

There is no good reason
I should have to be so alone
I'm smothered by this emptiness
Lord I wish I was made of stone
Like a fool I lent my soul to love
And it paid me back in change
God help me, am I the only one
Who's ever felt this way?
A heart that's worn and weathered
Would know better than to fight
But I wore mine like a weapon
Played out love like a crime
And it wrung me out and strung me out
And it hung years on my face
God help me, am I the only
Who's ever felt this way?
Now my sense of humor needs a break
I see a shadow in the mirror
And she's laughin' through her tears
One more smile's all I can fake
There is a wound inside me
And it's bleeding like a flood
There are times when I see a light ahead
Hope is not enough
As another night surrounds me
And it pounds me like a wave
God help me, am I the only one
Who's ever felt this way?

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Therapy Bites

Here's what I have learned in therapy:

1. I must be "needed" in order to have a relationship with others.

2. I value other's approval of my thinking, feelings, and behavior over my own.

3. I agree with others so they will like me.

4. I focus my attention on protecting others.

5. I believe most people are incapable of taking care of themselves.

6. I keep score of "good deeds and favors", becoming very hurt when they are not repaid.

7. I am very skilled at guessing how other people are feeling.

8. I can anticipate other's needs and desires, meeting them before they are asked to be met.

9. I become resentful when others will not let me help them.

10. I am calm and efficient in other people's crisis situations.

11. I feel good about myself only when I am helping others.

12. I freely offer others advice and directions without being asked.

13. I put aside my own interests and concerns in order to do what others want.

14. I ask for help and nurturing only when I am ill, and then reluctantly.

15. I cannot tolerate seeing others in pain.

16. I lavish gifts and favors on those I care about.

17. I use sex to gain approval and acceptance.

18. I attempt to convince others of how they "truly" think and "should" feel.

19. I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well-being of others.

LOL. Isn't that fucking great. Apparently I am a classic codependent. And the kicker of it all is that, as a fucking codependent, I have no clue how to escape the trap. I LIKE feeling needed. I LIKE helping others. Is something wrong with that? Apparently so, as I rarely get taken care of myself. So this blog is all about me and my journey to find healthy relationships following divorce with my ex-husband, my child, my family and any new men that come my way.