Monday, March 23, 2009

Challenged...

Apparently my divorce has turned me into a complete four-letter word that rhymes with butt. Or maybe I have always been one deep down? Or perhaps I just am using sex as an escape to avoid reality. I don't know. Ever since I broke up with BECG2, I have been absolutely bereft. Even though I know it was the right thing to do, it's like the floodgates open and I just want to cry all the time.

A few weeks ago I put an ad on Craigslist - single mom ISO single dad for FWB situation. Boy, did I get a lot of responses. Two guys seems somewhat normal and I gave them the time of day. After a week of exchanging seriously steamy texts and e-mails, one took me out for drinks. We went back to his place, I went down on him, then I went home. The other came over, I went down on him, he went home. That time it was because he had called earlier in the day and I had already finished with my toy. I don't know if I'm just not into this, not attractive to them, or just too giving (probably the latter). The first guy never called again. :( The second came over again tonight but AF showed up, I'm sick, etc., so it was all him again. He says "it's on" next week. We'll see...

Another guy invited me to a gangbang. Ha. Yeah, like I'm going to offer myself up to a group of 10 men at some anonymous location THEY pick. Not freaking likely.

I think the problem is the friends part. I was so irritated when BECG2 moved things from sex and fun into "love" because I was having fun and enjoying spending time alone with myself as well as time with him. I just don't know how to find that again. Someone who I enjoy being around who will take me out, have fun, have sex with me, but not expect the world and a commitment Right.This.Minute! I need some time to find me. But, damn it, I need sex. I like it, I want it, and I don't think I should have to live without it. But I don't think having it with Joe Stranger is the way to go either. Especially if I'm not getting anything in return (even if I do get pretty turned on by going down on a man...).

Everyone keeps telling me to enjoy being alone. I want to tell them to stick it where the sun don't shine. Grrr. I like having male companionship. I crave it. I can work on me but I need my sex fix. Is that so wrong? Men go out and pay for it, for pete's sake. Why the double standard here?

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Teary Time

Apparently I have entered a teary phase. On the one hand, life is going great. Work is awesome (promotion, 17% (!!) bonus (mostly stock, but I'll take it), and fun projects), my mentally ill father is finally stable for the first time in about a year and my son seems to be doing better with my divorce. But while I thought I had taken my breakup with BECG2 in stride, when I had to see him for a few minutes recently this week, one kind act on his part left me fleeing in tears unable to raise the fact that he still has a cell phone of mine and owes me $1,200. Yes, I am a Codependent!

Then tonight I went to my divorce recovery group and we had to discuss healthy relationships. It was an interesting topic with lots of good insight shared. However, as I was walking out with the guy who invited me (ironically, my summer Webcam Sex Guy - Ha!), we got to talking about a bunch of heavy stuff and I started crying again. We ended up talking deep spiritual stuff for about an hour in the parking lot and I left drained and tear-stained.

Then I get to the X's apartment to pick up my son and, again, he says something and the tears start all over. WTF?!?!?! I must be hormonal or something. This is ridiculous. :( Divorce sucks. Someday I will be whole. Former Webcam Sex Guy says I should just take each thing that is weighing me down, write it down on a piece of paper, tell God I'm giving it to him and then put it in a locked box and consider it gone. I'll try. I just want to feel whole someday and feel like I can "trust my picker." Right now my sex drive is insane and I feel like all I want is an easy FWB relationship. But I suppose what I really should want is a good, sold, long-term relationship. Hopefully my mindset will change soon and I will find what I'm looking for when I least expect it.

Monday, February 16, 2009

A Crappy Codependent Valentines Weekend

Yeah, you knew it was coming. What did you expect? I had hope but deep down I knew it wouldn't go well. I've been ill for a few weeks and working crazy hours, taking are of my kid, dealing with family crap, and still found time to do research and find some special Valentine's gifts for BECG2 (not to mention some sexy-as-hell lingerie that he ignored at night because it was too dark and left me alone in in the morning for whatever reason...). Men.

So I get in his car Friday night, put my stuff in the back of his car including a pink bag with my stuff for him. I show him the little box of chocolates and plant I got for his daughter. He says, "Oh, I haven't done anything for Valentines."

How exactly was I supposed to take that? It really, really hurt my feelings that after sitting on his ass for 10 days recovering from surgery (and he got up and biked 1.5 miles twice, drove across town to his parents' house, etc.) and getting off at noon that day, he found no time to do anything for me. So I sat there quietly and felt my eyes get hot and my face get red and just stared out the window. After we dropped my son off with my ex, he asked me what was wrong and I told him that my feelings were hurt. He turned it around on me and said, "So you're just automatically thinking the worst and assuming that I meant I wasn't doing anything at all for you? WTF?!? I can't make any comment without you turning it into some huge thing. For all you know, I was going to go out and get something this weekend. It isn't even Valentine's Day today." So that devolved into me over-explaining and back-pedaling, thinking "What just happened here?!?" and explaining how I must have misinterpreted his statement to mean that he wasn't doing anything. Ugh. He was pissed, I was hurt, it was bad. So we basically fought or didn't talk the whole two-hour drive out to pick up his daughter.

Then he told his daughter he had to stop by Kroger. He bought me flowers, a card and some candy but bitched about the cost of the flowers and didn't sign the card. He said he would do it later so I just left it next to the bed all weekend. Finally late Saturday night, I reminded him that it was by the bed. He said, "Oh, I don't really have anything to say. The card says it all. You can read it."

And that was pretty much it for me. We had sex Saturday night and then I told him that I felt like he had just gone to the store because I forced him into it (there's no winning there, is there?) and that the fact that he had no desire to sign the card made me think he really didn't care and was just saying he loved me because he thought that was what I wanted to hear.

Honestly, why couldn't he just have been content having sex and hanging out. Once he said "I love you", it changed the dynamics. But, honestly, why the fuck am I spending time with someone who cannot show me how they feel? Would it have been so hard to put two seconds of effort into something? He says he doesn't know a man who does that. Um.... Yeah, I think they are out there.

(On Sunday morning he got up and said he was going downstairs because the bathroom was out of TP. He never came back up. I was sitting there in my sexy lingerie. I thought he would come back up at least to bring me TP, considering that girls can't go to the bathroom without it. But, no, he didn't. I turned the TV on and watched a movie. He finally came up about an hour later and asked if I was going to get up and get dressed. Other than that, he pretty much ignored me all day. Then we got back to his house and he asked my son if we wanted to go hang out at the bowling alley while he bowled with friends. We went for 10 minutes. I had a beer, my son spent $5 at the arcade (which is all he wanted to do) and then we left. I haven't heard from him since.)

Monday, January 26, 2009

Things are Good

Sorry I haven't updated. I've been having some medical issues and typing is hard, plus it's difficult to process all of this. Long story short, I sat down to really, really talk and listen to BECG2 and I realized that I really do like this guy, that those things I "don't like" about him are really me magnifying based on issues in my past and fear of repeating patterns. He is a good guy, a smart guy and he treats me well. I want to give this a chance and I am so glad I took the time to sit down and talk to him (and that he heard me and tried to consider my perspective). I realized that it is my own fear that causes me to stir up drama when things are going well.

Still, one conversation will not break the old habits and patterns. A good friend reminded me that both of us need to have an awareness and compassion for each other's ingrained patterns. And both of us need to be open to listen when the other acknowledges (gently) said patterns. Fortunately BECG2 mentioned the option of therapy down the road if we get to a place where we want to take it to another level. And apparently he loves me. He actually cried... Said that he was hurt when I had kind of shut him down about moving in together based on his past history and my current state. He heard me differently than I intended to communicate things. I didn't realize he saw our relationship that way. I told him that if he wants our relationship to potentially go in that direction then he needs to start with love and understanding and move from there. I also explained that, having just gotten out of an 8-year marriage, I don't plan to make any sudden moves and that as long as he can respect that and respect my need to go even slower than normal because of Brian, I am willing to explore where this could go with him. I told him that I was just scared that he was moving too fast or telling me what he thought I wanted to hear/trying to rescue me rather than saying those things out of a true desire to do them. Obviously there was miscommunication on both sides.

I'm reading the Five Love Languages and he said he would read it, too. Good start. When I met him for dinner Friday night, he brought up the book and asked to hear more about it. Then he actually LISTENED as I walked through it and seemed to understand it!!! We will see if he is receptive to it. I promised to try to tell him when he acts in a frustrated or "angry" way and I am feeling bad in the moment it happens rather than stewing over it. He promised to try to be more communicative about where he is at and what he is feeling (ha, he IS a man). We'll continue to take it day-by-day.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Wait, What?!?

I'm not sure what happened with BECG2 today but it may be the end. He yelled at me for something beyond my control and also told me he loves me (in response to my response to his anger, probably a "guy move" designed to give me what he thinks I want -- sooooo the wrong move). I set my boundary and told him that I would not tolerate that unkind and disrespectful behavior. He flipped and turned it around on me and tried to twist it to make me the one in the wrong. :( I stupidly responded and tried to get him to see my perspective. Ha. Again, he twisted it to make himself the martyr and this time I blasted him. Now we are at an impasse because I know that I need to end this because the anger is not tolerable, especially if he can't see it and refuses to take responsibility. Argh.


Could use some reader help. Can you read the e-mails exchanged and tell me if I am way off base? I wouldn't usually do this but I am having such a hard time knowing if my emotions are real or if I am exaggerating things or what.

E-mail ONE (CG):

When you rage about things, such as what happened today, I feel hurt, scared and resentful, and to protect myself I need to tell you that this is unacceptable behavior that upsets me. We have discussed this before. I know you get angry but it's always over something for which there is a solution and instead of allowing me to help, you rage. There is no need to get so mad. I understand frustration but I deserve respect and kindness and talking to me like that is not respectful and I won't continue to date you if you continue to treat me this way. You are a great guy but this is a big, big issue for me in a dating partner. I took a lot of time to work on your documents last night and you could have come over to get them then or this morning. I didn't know Shirley was in my room when I left. Accidents happen. Yelling at people doesn't fix them.

E-mail TWO (BECG2):

I just read your email... And I dont get it!!!! I never yelled at you in our short conversation ealier.. I never said anything bad to you at all.. Why is it that anytime I get upset about anything, You immediately assume that I am mad and angry at something you did? I just let you know what happened.. Thats it.. I know you didnt teach your cat to feed on my resume 30 minutes before my interview.. Do you really think that I think that. It was something for me to be upset over.. Really people can be upset at things that happened and not balme someone for it. If what had happened to me today would have happened to 1000 other people, what do you think the normal rationelle would have been. Anger.!! Not mad at you.. Just mad in general that I am that Fucking snake bit that a cat would dine on the only resume's I had for an interview 30 minutes before it. I thanked you many times last night for revizing it for me.. I really do appreciate it.. It looks much better than it did.
But this issue that is so big for you that is my anger.. Is going to be a problem if you continue to react this way everytime I am mad at something. Especially since at no point was the anger directed at you.
You reacted the same way the other night when I was in horrible pain with my tooth and I pulled the drawer open that I was looking in for medicine after you closed it.. I was in total agony.. My pain was 10 out of 10 and you got mad at me for my reaction. I am sorry.. but I was at a place physically that I couldnt calmly explain to you why I wanted the drawer open that I was digging in.. I just opened it.. And I cant see how this is in anyway a disrepect to you..
Same thing today.. I told you what happened.. I was upset at my shitty luck.. And now your mad at me and telling me that your not going to continue to date me if I continue to disrespect you and treat you that way..
I am stunned.. I dont believe I have treated you badly in any way.. I was angry or in complete pain over 2 separate things, unrelated to you.. and this is somehow the way I am treating you.. I dont get that..
Are there really people out there that could have not been angry about there shity luck today.. or someone who could stay calm and explain perfectly to you that it feels like they have a rusty icepick sticking out of there jaw. I love you very much.. I like to think that we are very good together and this realtionship will work out long term, but this reaction to today and last week is not something that I want to keep happening- over nothing!!!.
I think that you are taking things and making them WAY bigger than they are. Hell.. I saw your mom get much angrier than i have been .. out in public about not getting a plain glass of ice at the snack bar of the movie theater. This was way bigger than that!!!! And all I did was tell you the "Fucking" Cat ate the work you did for me..
I am still sitting here shocked over you telling me the I disrespected you today and that I HURT you, SCARED you and made you RESENT me for it.
i guess I am clueless on how real people are supposed to function.


E-mail THREE (CG):


1) I don't think that you can see how angry you get at things or else you might be able to see it from my perspective. You throw rags, you swear at inanimate objects, you shatter phones. That is all abusive. Abusive at things, not people, but still intimidating to be around. I try not to take it personally but when it turns towards me it scares and upsets me. I am not accusing you of trying to scare me. I am telling you how I feel when you drop your pants and yell at the top of your lungs in a parking lot in front of your children or when you yank a drawer open and almost hit me with it or when you call and shoot down any apologies or solutions for a bad situation.

2) I am trying to learn how to speak up when I feel like people are violating my boundaries. Raging at me (whether you intend to direct it at me or not) is a boundary violation for me. E-mail probably isn't the best place for it but I tend to cry when I do it in person (hell, I tend to cry when I do it in e-mail). When you get mad, it does makes me feel bad, especially when it comes out of nowhere. As I explained the other night, I tried to shut the drawer because I thought you were coming towards me to run to the bathroom. I had come over to try to help you get whatever you needed out of the drawer. Today I wanted to help you but you were so angry.

3) My mother has always been like that. She is crazy. It upsets me very much with her, too. Usually my heart is racing and I get upset but, like you, if I try to tell her that she just ges more angry and acts like I'm the crazy one and that she's totally rational.

4) You love me very much? Do you realize that the most you have ever said to me along those lines is "I cannot understate how much you mean to me"? Am I supposed to have known that? Was I supposed to pick up on it somehow? Are you sending me smoke signals? Sometimes I wonder if you think that you are saying things, like thanks 10,000 times, when really you are just thinking them and not saying anything. Last night when we were talking about your documents I had to finally say, "Does it look okay? Do you like it?" before you said thanks. And I feel like I'm always doing backflips to do things for you... You probably have no idea what I am talking about because you think you are expressing yourself very well.

This e-mail probably sounds like I am super mad or super upset or something. I'm just sad and disappointed because I was soooo excited for you today and I was really hoping you would have an awesome interview. I was bummed that Shirley screwed it up and that you wouldn't allow me to help you make things right. I was frustrated that you were so upset and not able to calm down on the way to your interview.

E-mail FOUR (BECG2):

I know how angry I get.. What part of any anger I have ever had was towards you? None!! That my point I made about blowing things out of proportion. When I pulled my shorts down for 1 second.. At no point of that did I yell at the top of my lungs.. Not even remotely.. Thats out of proportion..
At no point of our conversation this morning did I shoot down any appology. I didnt have time to solve the problem.. Thats all there was to that.. It just happened to be something that couldnt be fixed. Accident happen.. I know that.. Doesnt make me not get mad. Was I really supposed to just smile and be in a wonderful happy-go-lucky? My reaction.. Was normal.. I am sorry that you freak out over any little sign of someone being angry about something.. I think that you automatically believe that the anger is towards you. No matter what kind of anger or frustration it is. I mean really..... Other than telling you that the cat "Ate" my resume.. What else did I do or say that was so over the top angry that it "Scared" you? I must be totally oblivious to it that its repressed in my subconsciences. To me... I told you what I said... I was fairly calm about it.. Yes I was frustrated.. but pretty calm..
I am sorry that me having an frustration emotion that is anger is a "Boundry" violation for you.. Honestly.. I dont know what the hell that even means.. Maybe I am not smart enough.. Who knows.. For some reason.. I dont get it.. And that frustrates me even more.. This whole thing today has frustrated me.. I dont want to walk around on egg shells afraid of saying the wrong thing or having a millimeter too much emotion towards a reaction that it scares you and crosses some line.. I really have sat back.. Went over the situations in my head.. Tried to see your point of view.. And I am lost.. I dont get it! Unless I read a bunch of complex books.. I cant figure it out.. I think my BP is up 50 points tonight because of it.. I feel like a retard because I cant see what it is I am supposed to see..
Right now.. I am going for the liquer.. and going to go and hopefully pass out.. I am tired of trying to figure it out..

E-mail FIVE (CG):
Honestly I am not certain how to respond to your e-mail. I told you how I felt, gave direct, concrete examples of when and why I felt that way and asked you to try to tone down the anger somewhat and allow me to be of help when you are in pain or frustrated or whatever. Instead of truly hearing me, you turned it around and made me the one in the wrong, basically saying I am over-emotional and "freak out" and insinuating that you somehow aren't smart enough to understand what I am talking about. Interesting.

I don't know how to be more clear. Fact: When you get "frustrated", I feel bad. You could not get as angry. I could not "freak out". Obviously we are at an impasse because I'm probably not going to stop feeling upset/scared/bothered by that behavior, especially when you will neither acknowledge nor recognize it. And as long as you can't validate my feelings, you will always think I am "over-reacting" or "freaking out." I just got out of eight years of an abusive marriage. Usually I can separate your anger/frustration against objects or situations from me but I was just trying to explain that several times, including today, I felt like I was included in it and that your reaction was extreme in proportion to the situation. Obviously you don't see it in yourself. So I don't know what else to say...

Monday, January 19, 2009

Impotent Wimp

So apparently I am broken in more ways than one. I reviewed the whole BECG2 situation with my therapist, who I had not seen since Thanksgiving. We talked it out and decided that I enjoy being with him despite his weird issues. Then she asked if I could stand taking it a day at a time an dstaying with him for the next 2.5 years until I am done with school. Um, no! Crap. :( Still, I'm scared of being alone. Haven't done that in a long time and I remember how much it sucks. And he's sweet. And my wimpy ass point is why break it off if I am not ready and he doesn't care? Ugh... Yep, I suck. I know I deserve a man who adores me an is willing to show it, not one who STILL won't watch porn with me and can't make a single emotional statement (although he did call me sweetheart - swoon).

Speaking of porn, I am apparently impotent now and in DIRE need of porn. DAMN YOU, DRUGS!!! I have been in a lot of pain for the last week or so (neuropathy, fibromyalgia, blah, blah, blah) and have been trying to space out the two medications I am on (anti-seizure and SNRI) throughout the day, as each is a two-pill dose, to see if that helps the pain. Unfortunately in addition to screwing with the nerves in my arms and legs, either the pain or the drugs are apparently screwing with other nerve endings... Somehow, however, it does NOT affect the drive, just the ultimate result. After hours (and I do mean HOURS) of trying Saturday night and Sunday night with BECG2, I pulled out the big gun, super-charged it, tried for 45 more minutes and finally gave up. Fuck a duck. :( I told BECG2 he needs to bring porn into the bedroom or else I may never get off again (although this is a recent thing for me, damn drugs). He said that in 38 years he has never done that. I asked him if he was intimidated by it (if he had said yes, that might have been a dealbreaker). He said no, just that it never occurred to him. So we will see what he does and if it works. Please God let it work. Nothing like keeping your old sex drive and not being able to do anything about it. Crap.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Loving the Assclowns

I'm trying to read this book on loving Assclowns and Mr. Unavailable or, as my therapist puts it, always picking narcissists. And when I say pick, I mean pick. No one ever picks me. And it is my turn to be picked, DAMN IT! I am smart. I am sweet. I have a good heart. I LIKE SEX! Geez, what more could a guy want?

BECG2 still hasn't watched porn with me. :( He asked me to move in with him, though (Holy Farking Schnit - I said no). And the closest he has come to any declaration of emotion is "I cannot understate how much you mean to me and what an important role you are playing in my life." Um... okay? But he has an anger problem, damn it. And honestly that's a dealbreaker. I can enjoy sleeping with him, going to movies, hanging out, etc., but I will not be longterm with someone who has rage issues. I'd noticed it for a while but it got worse over Christmas. On New Year's Eve he changed into shorts before we went to a Dave & Busters-type place but had forgotten his belt. I said, "Aww, do you really have to go home and get it?" trying to be sympathetic because it wasn't close to his house. He DROPPED HIS PANTS in the middle of the parking lot and screamed "Yes!!! Unless you want me to walk around freaking naked all night." Okay, you three year-old. Enjoy your tantrum.

Then the other week he was working on my car and couldn't find what he needed so he threw his toolbox across the room. Final straw was this weekend. He hurt himself and went into the kitchen to get something out of a drawer to help but he was in so much pain. I asked if I could help. He moved towards me and I thought he was going to pas by. So I shut the drawer. Big mistake. He yanked it back open and yelled at me that he was looking for something. I walked away. Later than night I confronted him and set my boundary (yay me): "BECG2, I am always kind to you. Your actions tonight were unkind and disrespectful and I don't want you to do that ever again." His response, "Oh, so when I'm in pain I'm supposed to take time out to be kind?!?" Um... gee...

So I was backing off a bit while continuing to enjoy his company on a casual basis. Set the boundary that I would NOT be living with anyone unless we were in love, headed for marriage, etc., for BeBop's sake. Set the boundary that anger/rages are not acceptable. Forgot to set the "don't cheat on me" boundary. I'm not certain it's been crossed but...

This weekend BECG2 let me use his computer to write a blog post for my other blog. I was switching between pages regularly. When I went to pull up the drop down menu to go back to a page I'd accidentally shut, the history showed free P*rn sites. That's all fine and good (hell, you know me). But it also showed Craigslist Erotic Classifieds. I guess I need to just come out and ask him but do you think someone looks at those just to get off or do you think the only reason someone would look at those is to hire someone for services? I have been pretty depressed ever since and kind of unable to snap out of the funk. Hell, I'm practically begging him for sex and asking him to watch porn and here he is online wasting hours when he could have the real thing. Makes a girl feel pretty insecure about herself. Sure, I know, all guys look at that stuff. But when he crosses from hot babes dot com to real live service ads for pros in our town, that has me concerned. :( What is wrong with me?