Monday, March 23, 2009

Challenged...

Apparently my divorce has turned me into a complete four-letter word that rhymes with butt. Or maybe I have always been one deep down? Or perhaps I just am using sex as an escape to avoid reality. I don't know. Ever since I broke up with BECG2, I have been absolutely bereft. Even though I know it was the right thing to do, it's like the floodgates open and I just want to cry all the time.

A few weeks ago I put an ad on Craigslist - single mom ISO single dad for FWB situation. Boy, did I get a lot of responses. Two guys seems somewhat normal and I gave them the time of day. After a week of exchanging seriously steamy texts and e-mails, one took me out for drinks. We went back to his place, I went down on him, then I went home. The other came over, I went down on him, he went home. That time it was because he had called earlier in the day and I had already finished with my toy. I don't know if I'm just not into this, not attractive to them, or just too giving (probably the latter). The first guy never called again. :( The second came over again tonight but AF showed up, I'm sick, etc., so it was all him again. He says "it's on" next week. We'll see...

Another guy invited me to a gangbang. Ha. Yeah, like I'm going to offer myself up to a group of 10 men at some anonymous location THEY pick. Not freaking likely.

I think the problem is the friends part. I was so irritated when BECG2 moved things from sex and fun into "love" because I was having fun and enjoying spending time alone with myself as well as time with him. I just don't know how to find that again. Someone who I enjoy being around who will take me out, have fun, have sex with me, but not expect the world and a commitment Right.This.Minute! I need some time to find me. But, damn it, I need sex. I like it, I want it, and I don't think I should have to live without it. But I don't think having it with Joe Stranger is the way to go either. Especially if I'm not getting anything in return (even if I do get pretty turned on by going down on a man...).

Everyone keeps telling me to enjoy being alone. I want to tell them to stick it where the sun don't shine. Grrr. I like having male companionship. I crave it. I can work on me but I need my sex fix. Is that so wrong? Men go out and pay for it, for pete's sake. Why the double standard here?