Saturday, November 22, 2008

Mmm and Codependent Giving

BECG2 just called me sweetheart. My heart melted. I am sooooo up and down in this relationship. It is probably just me and my depression. He really is a great guy. I was all stressed about this work project that was sucking up all my time and he came up with a great solution that made it go 10x faster. He is really good at seeing things clearly and rationally. Last night we went to the movies and then home for some sex. It was really nice but I tried to get him to say SOMETHING just a little hot and he just doesn't seem to have it in him. I teased him a bit and he said, "I have a 'bad boy' mind, just not a 'bad boy' vocabulary." Bummer. :( I'll keep working on him. Want him to show me some of his porn but he's just not quite there yet. Sigh...

In other news, I made a seriously codependent move today. Now I am rationalizing it as a smart investment but part of my brain goes, "You big needy fixing dummy!" I lent BECG2 all of my insurance reimbursement check from my recently stolen vehicle contents so that he could buy a professional camera and restart his side photography business. Don't scream. I did make him sign a promissory note. And he has worked professionally in photography in the past but had a ton of equipment stolen right after he closed his business and, because it was at his home and not at his company and he hadn't yet listed the items, it wasn't covered under homeowners. UGH. Anyway, he is an excellent photographer and it was only $1,800. Okay, it was $1,800 I could have used. But I honestly think he is going to find a ton of people to shoot. I have many contacts and he really is good with kids and people generally. Still, codependent. Hope I don't kick myself hard for this one. I know, I know, I know...

Thursday, November 20, 2008


Overslept. Missed BeBop's therapy session. Got a lecture/guilt trip from the doctor. Talked her out of charging me $140 for missing. Thank God! On my way to work, late, sure to get shit from my boss. Webcam guy texted me this morning telling me to have a blessed day. I am having a stress-induced hypersexual day and wish he wasn't on his friend kick. Sigh... If only BEcG2 had texting abilities. But all he would say is probably "hey babe.". Nothing inspirational. Oh well. Looks like I am in for a late night at work anyway so I may as well throw this energy/frustration into that. Becg2 came over yesterday afternoon while I was working from home to drop off something I needed. The ex would never have passed up a kid-free afternoon with my bed mere feet away to at least have a quickie if nothing else. BECG2 just gave me a quick kiss and left. I know, I could have asked for it. I tried giving him a sensual hug to see if he would take it to the next level but no dice. I hate being the one who initiates all the time. Makes me feel undesirable.

I did go on that date last Thursday night. Ended very badly with my car getting broken into. And the guy was nice enough but there were zero sparks. Darn. I really like BECG2 but the sex drive thing is a huge problem. And I am damn needy right now so his inability to express his emotions drives me crazy.

Okay, vent post over.
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Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Relationship ADD

I am reading a book called "101 Things I Learned After My Divorce" by Tomi Tuel. Tuel describes a phenomenon known as Relationship ADD, which is where your benchmark for love is off-center after loving and healing the wrong way. Questions to ask yourself include:

1) Do you accuse your current love for no appropriate reason of having the same failings as your former spouse?
2) Do you scare off potential partners with the sordid details of your crazy ex?
3) Do you reveal too much about your vindictive tendencies?
4) Do you openly make derogatory statements about the opposite sex to the opposite sex?
5) Do you list the happiest day of your life as the day your husband hit rock bottom?
6) Do you make it a practice to have sex with more than one person?
7) Do you practice ABC method of dating? A is #1, B is #2, C is #3. A doesn't know about B and C; B knows about A but not C and so on.
8) Do you need a sex buddy in your life regardless of your interest in that person?
9) Do you pick someone to have a relationship with based solely on the charge you feel with them?
10) Do you lose interest in your sex partner after 6 weeks?
11) Do you consider two weeks between relationships as ample time for closure?
12) Do you think dressing for the occasion means dressing so that you can undress onstage later that night?
13) Do you secretly want to be a porn star?
14) Do you think if you tell everyone how great you are over and over, they will eventually believe it?
15) Do you want a new boat and plan to name it Babe Magnet or Midlife Crisis?


This is how I feel with BECG2. Frustrating. He lets me cry on his shoulder and is a comforting force but he doesn't do the reassuring part and that is sooooo hard for me. Why am I so damn needy?

This woman who takes on the world
And picks up your shirts, keeps it together somehow
This same woman that melts with your touch
Wants you to feel what I'm feeling right now

'Cause this woman needs
A safe place to land
The strength in your hands
To know you know
What this woman needs
Is somewhere to cry
So lay by my side
And I'll tell you, I'll tell you

This woman needs to be reassured
That my heart's your home, and love is what wills you to stay
I need you to see me in every light
And hear that you still think I'm beautiful anyway

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Codependency Scale

Stealing from Goin-Crazy's post about codependency to evaluate myself for a bit

The Spann-Fischer Codependency Scale

Read the following statements and place the number in the spaces provided that best describes you according to the following list: 1 Strongly Disagree; 2 Moderately Disagree; 3 Slightly Disagree; 4 Slightly Agree; 5 Moderately Agree; 6 Strongly Agree.

1. It is hard for me to make decisions. 1 - Strongly Disagree

2. It is hard for me to say "no." 6 - Strongly Agree

3. It is hard for me to accept compliments graciously. 3 - Slightly Disagree

4. Sometimes I almost feel bored or empty if I don't have problems to focus on. 5 - Moderately Agree

5. I usually do not do things for other people that they are capable of doing for themselves. 6 - Strongly Agree

6. When I do something nice for myself I usually feel guilty. 2- Moderately Disagree

7. I do not worry very much. 1 - Strongly Disagree

8. I tell myself that things will get better when the people in my life change what they are doing. 5 - Moderately Agree

9. I seem to have relationships where I am always there for them but they are rarely there for me. 6 - STRONGLY AGREE

10. Sometimes I get focused on one person to the extent of neglecting other relationships and responsibilities. 5 - Moderately Agree

11. I seem to get into relationships that are painful for me. 6 - Strongly Agree

12. I don't usually let others see the "real" me. 4 - Slightly Agree

13. When someone upsets me I will hold it in for a long time, but once in a while I explode. 5 - Moderately Agree

14. I will usually go to any lengths to avoid open conflict. 6 - STRONGLY AGREE

15. I often have a sense of dread or impending doom. 5 - Moderately Agree

16. I often put the needs of others ahead of my own. 6 - Strongly Agree

Orgasm Therapy

I have had a shitstorm of a year.  All of which came to a head last week in a huge way.  After a few days of trying to sort things out, things are looking a bit better but I was still tied in knots and feeling sick to my stomach.  So yesterday I decided to engage in a little orgasm therapy.  Took the day off from my Cymbalta (okay, so that was an accident but I am definitely going to try it again sometime because that crap doesn't kill my super-strong drive, just reduces sensation - female ED).

Anyway, I got BECG2 in the mood by taking him to Frys to help me pick out a replacement camera for my stolen one.  When we got home, he was on fire.  Almost took me right there against the wall in his living room before the dog started barking and broke the mood.  He dragged me to his room, threw me down on the bed and gave me one of those kisses that makes every nerve ending stand up and scream for more.  I spent a good long time enjoying his deliciousness and then hopped on top so that I could take some for me.  OMG, I have never been with a guy who has hit my g-spot like that with only his member.  Surprises me every time he is inside me.  Mmmm.

So I got mine (and then some) and then we lay in bed talking for almost an hour.  Usually he is pretty exhausted by that time of night but the next thing we knew it was 1130.  He walked me to my car and gave me another toe-curling kiss goodbye.  Well his sex drive is much lower than mine.  He can usually only go once whereas one orgasm just gets me energized and ready for more.  I went home and got online.  Started reading the Best Sex Bloggers blog and, next thing I knew, I was ready to go again.  Took out the Gigi and the We-Vibe along with the warming lube and took it nice and slow.  Holy crap, did I come hard and wet.  By then it was 115 and I collapsed into my pillows with a highly contented sigh.  Woke up this morning with my stomach far less knotted, ready to face the day.  And wanting more.

Bottom line: orgasm therapy is a great stress reliever.  Getcha some.

Now if I could just find a male sex slave to be at my beck and call since BECG2 can't work it right now until his medical issues are resolved and my webcam buddy decided he needed to stop engaging in "sinful" activities and return to God.  Oh and BECG1, with the HellaGood G-spot finger move lives too far away, is off seeing his daughter every other weekend, and has worse potency issues than BECG2.  Sigh...
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