So those of you who read my other blog know that this is where I talk about the raw feelings and that I discuss BECG2 in a more positive light on the other one. Both are honest, but this blog has more of the anxiety I feel that I fear expressing (partially because he reads the other blog). That said, in an attempt to be real and work on my codepenency issues, I have been trying incredibly hard to be truthful with him and tell him when I feel resentful or like a boundary has been violated.
Tonight we had one of those conversations. He keeps doing this thing where he will promise to do something like call or come over or whatever and then, for various reasons, it doesn't come to pass. This is never at my request but always initiated by him. But once promised I get my hopes up and then I get let down when it doesn't happen. It happened again last night when he promised to call at midnight to wish me happy birthday since he had to leave my party early and then he never called. He also didn't call again until almost noon and then didn't even mention the day. :( After I confronted him tonight and told him how I felt about it (especially because I had told him calling wasn't necessary but he insisted/made a huge deal about doing it), he said that he had texted me and it must never have gone through. Hmmm.
THEN, as I'm leaning in my car, he says, "We need to get a place together so you won't have to go home." WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!? HOLY FARKING SCHNIT. I actually said (okay, perhaps I screeched) "What?!?!" and then I said it again for good measure. My initial response was, "Wow, that's a discussion for another time." Then I basically said, "Look, BECG2, I like you a lot and I'm having a great time with you but on some things I am feeling disappointed and I don't know whether that's an issue with me or with you or with both of us but I need time to figure that out. And most importantly, BeBop has had a lot of changes this year and so have I. I don't want to disrupt him more and I don't know that I trust myself to make any important decisions until I can figure out whether I'm making them in the best interest of BeBop and myself or because it makes me happy in the short-term."
What a hard conversation... BECG2 took it really well and kept saying, "You mean so much to me. There is no way for me to understate how much." And I, of course, kept trying to explain to him what a mess I am right now. Geez. I don't know how I feel. What I do know is that I need to get my ass into my therapist, who I have not seen for almost a month now thanks to school and work insanity, and also need to dive back into some of these self-help books so I can stop feeling so anxious all the time.
We won't even get into my ex-husband and the fact that I may need to go back to court to remove his visitation or, worse, that he may go to jail within the next few weeks. (