Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Teary Time

Apparently I have entered a teary phase. On the one hand, life is going great. Work is awesome (promotion, 17% (!!) bonus (mostly stock, but I'll take it), and fun projects), my mentally ill father is finally stable for the first time in about a year and my son seems to be doing better with my divorce. But while I thought I had taken my breakup with BECG2 in stride, when I had to see him for a few minutes recently this week, one kind act on his part left me fleeing in tears unable to raise the fact that he still has a cell phone of mine and owes me $1,200. Yes, I am a Codependent!

Then tonight I went to my divorce recovery group and we had to discuss healthy relationships. It was an interesting topic with lots of good insight shared. However, as I was walking out with the guy who invited me (ironically, my summer Webcam Sex Guy - Ha!), we got to talking about a bunch of heavy stuff and I started crying again. We ended up talking deep spiritual stuff for about an hour in the parking lot and I left drained and tear-stained.

Then I get to the X's apartment to pick up my son and, again, he says something and the tears start all over. WTF?!?!?! I must be hormonal or something. This is ridiculous. :( Divorce sucks. Someday I will be whole. Former Webcam Sex Guy says I should just take each thing that is weighing me down, write it down on a piece of paper, tell God I'm giving it to him and then put it in a locked box and consider it gone. I'll try. I just want to feel whole someday and feel like I can "trust my picker." Right now my sex drive is insane and I feel like all I want is an easy FWB relationship. But I suppose what I really should want is a good, sold, long-term relationship. Hopefully my mindset will change soon and I will find what I'm looking for when I least expect it.