Teary Time

Apparently I have entered a teary phase. On the one hand, life is going great. Work is awesome (promotion, 17% (!!) bonus (mostly stock, but I'll take it), and fun projects), my mentally ill father is finally stable for the first time in about a year and my son seems to be doing better with my divorce. But while I thought I had taken my breakup with BECG2 in stride, when I had to see him for a few minutes recently this week, one kind act on his part left me fleeing in tears unable to raise the fact that he still has a cell phone of mine and owes me $1,200. Yes, I am a Codependent!

Then tonight I went to my divorce recovery group and we had to discuss healthy relationships. It was an interesting topic with lots of good insight shared. However, as I was walking out with the guy who invited me (ironically, my summer Webcam Sex Guy - Ha!), we got to talking about a bunch of heavy stuff and I started crying again. We ended up talking deep spiritual stuff for about an hour in the parking lot and I left drained and tear-stained.

Then I get to the X's apartment to pick up my son and, again, he says something and the tears start all over. WTF?!?!?! I must be hormonal or something. This is ridiculous. :( Divorce sucks. Someday I will be whole. Former Webcam Sex Guy says I should just take each thing that is weighing me down, write it down on a piece of paper, tell God I'm giving it to him and then put it in a locked box and consider it gone. I'll try. I just want to feel whole someday and feel like I can "trust my picker." Right now my sex drive is insane and I feel like all I want is an easy FWB relationship. But I suppose what I really should want is a good, sold, long-term relationship. Hopefully my mindset will change soon and I will find what I'm looking for when I least expect it.

What is wrong with me?

I've been home all day. My whole body hurts. I cannot seem to move to get anything done. I have a report due and my project partner is waiting on it. We have to present tomorrow. I told him I'd have it for him last night. I have read but have not written a word. It is 4:30.

BECG2 called this morning. Said nothing about last night. Has not read my e-mail. Was off today and I haven't seen his face. I want to not care. I want to be able to get things done. I just feel so blah.

Am I the only one?

There is no good reason
I should have to be so alone
I'm smothered by this emptiness
Lord I wish I was made of stone
Like a fool I lent my soul to love
And it paid me back in change
God help me, am I the only one
Who's ever felt this way?
A heart that's worn and weathered
Would know better than to fight
But I wore mine like a weapon
Played out love like a crime
And it wrung me out and strung me out
And it hung years on my face
God help me, am I the only
Who's ever felt this way?
Now my sense of humor needs a break
I see a shadow in the mirror
And she's laughin' through her tears
One more smile's all I can fake
There is a wound inside me
And it's bleeding like a flood
There are times when I see a light ahead
Hope is not enough
As another night surrounds me
And it pounds me like a wave
God help me, am I the only one
Who's ever felt this way?