Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Damn it all

Up, down, up, down. I spent all day yesterday crying. Then I summoned up my courage and went to BCEG2 and told him that I think I need to be alone because I am seriously broken right now and unsure of who I am and what I want. He talked me out of it. He really can be very sensible and sweet. He held me and let me cry. Even gave me his winter hat to blow my nose into. LOL. So I left feeling a lot better, went home, took the first anti-anxiety pill in 9 months and slept like a baby. Before I went to bed, he called and said he was going to come sleep over tonight.

Tonight rolls around and he has a toothache. Again. It's always either his kidneys (stones) or teeth. Yes, I realize these are legitimate complaints. But WTF?!? He couldn't come over and sleep here? Be miserable next to me? :( I know, I know, he's trying to spare me the misery. But I hate the up/down cycle we are in. He can be super-sweet one minute and extremely self-absorbed the next. And then I question whether it is really self-absorption or whether I am judging him by my codependent standards. Just because I would drop everything for anyone in need doesn't mean he should. Still...

I have a date tomorrow night. Man with the same name as my uncle and grandfather. He asked me out a few weeks back and I put it off. Then, when I was feeling funky with BECG2, I said yes. Now I feel obligated to go but I'm not sure how I feel about it in terms of BECG2. My heart says we aren't destined for lifelong love and that I really need to be on my own sometime. It also says I need friends right now. My head says, "Go girl! You deserve to be appreciated." So I have a new sexy dress and I am going, damn it. Won't sleep with him or anything but I can certainly enjoy a night of greek food and (hopefully) good conversation, right?

Tuesday, November 11, 2008


I had one today.  Felt so low all morning.  Got to my therapist's office at 11 a.m. only to find the doors locked and no one at home.  Started crying and didn't stop for 20 minutes.  Went to CVS for chocolate and Monistat (yep, having a FANTASTIC week).  Therapist called to see if I could come right then to see her so I turned around and went.  Spent 30 minutes wailing in her office about how overwhelmed, in pain (neuropathy sucks!) and generally bummed I am right now.  Now I'm back at work and, again, just completely down and out of it.  :(  And I cannot find my fucking phone now!*(&^!  This after I lost it last week and had to file a police report and get a replacement.  Another one arrived today.  I am soooooo depressed.  I have class today and don't know if I can even face that.  I just want to lay down and cry.

Sunday, November 9, 2008


Sorry I haven't been posting here as much as I was. I've had a crazy few weeks at work and in life and am just not sure what to say. Today my divorce recovery group talked about dating (or not). I really, really need to end things with BECG2 if I'm ever going to be able to get to know myself as a single person. I dated people fairly consistently from 17 - 20, at which point I met my husband. We were married when I was 21 and divorced shortly after I turned 29. I do not know who I am outside a relationship. I probably need to figure that out.

And quite frankly BECG2 is just not a great match for me. Sure, I enjoy the sex (although I sure do miss my ex-husband's oral skills and generosity in bed!) and he is a very kind, comforting, stable presence in my life. But he has an angry streak. And he is quite selfish and uncommunicative. And he is going through a lot right now at work and medically that makes him not able to be "all there" for me. But how do I tell him that I want to end things without hurting him? Can we stay friends (probably not)? Will I have a total breakdown if this ends and I no longer have that comfort to turn to? Ugh.

Going to keep praying on it. One of the things that was a big issue in my marriage is that my ex-husband wouldn't let me go to our local Episcopal church, or any church for that matter. I'm really trying to reconnect with that and listen to the voice that keeps calling me back there. I feel like God is trying to help me right now and I want to take notice. But I need strength.