Sunday, November 9, 2008

Down

Sorry I haven't been posting here as much as I was. I've had a crazy few weeks at work and in life and am just not sure what to say. Today my divorce recovery group talked about dating (or not). I really, really need to end things with BECG2 if I'm ever going to be able to get to know myself as a single person. I dated people fairly consistently from 17 - 20, at which point I met my husband. We were married when I was 21 and divorced shortly after I turned 29. I do not know who I am outside a relationship. I probably need to figure that out.

And quite frankly BECG2 is just not a great match for me. Sure, I enjoy the sex (although I sure do miss my ex-husband's oral skills and generosity in bed!) and he is a very kind, comforting, stable presence in my life. But he has an angry streak. And he is quite selfish and uncommunicative. And he is going through a lot right now at work and medically that makes him not able to be "all there" for me. But how do I tell him that I want to end things without hurting him? Can we stay friends (probably not)? Will I have a total breakdown if this ends and I no longer have that comfort to turn to? Ugh.

Going to keep praying on it. One of the things that was a big issue in my marriage is that my ex-husband wouldn't let me go to our local Episcopal church, or any church for that matter. I'm really trying to reconnect with that and listen to the voice that keeps calling me back there. I feel like God is trying to help me right now and I want to take notice. But I need strength.

2 comments:

T said...

God is that strength. Go back where you feel the calling. Do it for you and the answers will come.

Big hugs!

Mama Dawg said...

Just hang in there. It WILL get better. I promise.

I'm the opposite. I've only been in 2 serious relationships in my life. One lasted 2 months and the other lasted 11 months.

Yeah, those were my serious ones.

I have severe committment issues.