Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Damn it all

Up, down, up, down. I spent all day yesterday crying. Then I summoned up my courage and went to BCEG2 and told him that I think I need to be alone because I am seriously broken right now and unsure of who I am and what I want. He talked me out of it. He really can be very sensible and sweet. He held me and let me cry. Even gave me his winter hat to blow my nose into. LOL. So I left feeling a lot better, went home, took the first anti-anxiety pill in 9 months and slept like a baby. Before I went to bed, he called and said he was going to come sleep over tonight.

Tonight rolls around and he has a toothache. Again. It's always either his kidneys (stones) or teeth. Yes, I realize these are legitimate complaints. But WTF?!? He couldn't come over and sleep here? Be miserable next to me? :( I know, I know, he's trying to spare me the misery. But I hate the up/down cycle we are in. He can be super-sweet one minute and extremely self-absorbed the next. And then I question whether it is really self-absorption or whether I am judging him by my codependent standards. Just because I would drop everything for anyone in need doesn't mean he should. Still...

I have a date tomorrow night. Man with the same name as my uncle and grandfather. He asked me out a few weeks back and I put it off. Then, when I was feeling funky with BECG2, I said yes. Now I feel obligated to go but I'm not sure how I feel about it in terms of BECG2. My heart says we aren't destined for lifelong love and that I really need to be on my own sometime. It also says I need friends right now. My head says, "Go girl! You deserve to be appreciated." So I have a new sexy dress and I am going, damn it. Won't sleep with him or anything but I can certainly enjoy a night of greek food and (hopefully) good conversation, right?


T said...

You need to read this book that I'm reading... Girl, I'm learning so much!! I'm going to be reviewing it on the blog soon. The link to it is here.

Mama Dawg said...

totally. go out and have fun. you deserve it.