Monday, January 26, 2009

Things are Good

Sorry I haven't updated. I've been having some medical issues and typing is hard, plus it's difficult to process all of this. Long story short, I sat down to really, really talk and listen to BECG2 and I realized that I really do like this guy, that those things I "don't like" about him are really me magnifying based on issues in my past and fear of repeating patterns. He is a good guy, a smart guy and he treats me well. I want to give this a chance and I am so glad I took the time to sit down and talk to him (and that he heard me and tried to consider my perspective). I realized that it is my own fear that causes me to stir up drama when things are going well.

Still, one conversation will not break the old habits and patterns. A good friend reminded me that both of us need to have an awareness and compassion for each other's ingrained patterns. And both of us need to be open to listen when the other acknowledges (gently) said patterns. Fortunately BECG2 mentioned the option of therapy down the road if we get to a place where we want to take it to another level. And apparently he loves me. He actually cried... Said that he was hurt when I had kind of shut him down about moving in together based on his past history and my current state. He heard me differently than I intended to communicate things. I didn't realize he saw our relationship that way. I told him that if he wants our relationship to potentially go in that direction then he needs to start with love and understanding and move from there. I also explained that, having just gotten out of an 8-year marriage, I don't plan to make any sudden moves and that as long as he can respect that and respect my need to go even slower than normal because of Brian, I am willing to explore where this could go with him. I told him that I was just scared that he was moving too fast or telling me what he thought I wanted to hear/trying to rescue me rather than saying those things out of a true desire to do them. Obviously there was miscommunication on both sides.

I'm reading the Five Love Languages and he said he would read it, too. Good start. When I met him for dinner Friday night, he brought up the book and asked to hear more about it. Then he actually LISTENED as I walked through it and seemed to understand it!!! We will see if he is receptive to it. I promised to try to tell him when he acts in a frustrated or "angry" way and I am feeling bad in the moment it happens rather than stewing over it. He promised to try to be more communicative about where he is at and what he is feeling (ha, he IS a man). We'll continue to take it day-by-day.