Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Wait, What?!?

I'm not sure what happened with BECG2 today but it may be the end. He yelled at me for something beyond my control and also told me he loves me (in response to my response to his anger, probably a "guy move" designed to give me what he thinks I want -- sooooo the wrong move). I set my boundary and told him that I would not tolerate that unkind and disrespectful behavior. He flipped and turned it around on me and tried to twist it to make me the one in the wrong. :( I stupidly responded and tried to get him to see my perspective. Ha. Again, he twisted it to make himself the martyr and this time I blasted him. Now we are at an impasse because I know that I need to end this because the anger is not tolerable, especially if he can't see it and refuses to take responsibility. Argh.

Could use some reader help. Can you read the e-mails exchanged and tell me if I am way off base? I wouldn't usually do this but I am having such a hard time knowing if my emotions are real or if I am exaggerating things or what.

E-mail ONE (CG):

When you rage about things, such as what happened today, I feel hurt, scared and resentful, and to protect myself I need to tell you that this is unacceptable behavior that upsets me. We have discussed this before. I know you get angry but it's always over something for which there is a solution and instead of allowing me to help, you rage. There is no need to get so mad. I understand frustration but I deserve respect and kindness and talking to me like that is not respectful and I won't continue to date you if you continue to treat me this way. You are a great guy but this is a big, big issue for me in a dating partner. I took a lot of time to work on your documents last night and you could have come over to get them then or this morning. I didn't know Shirley was in my room when I left. Accidents happen. Yelling at people doesn't fix them.

E-mail TWO (BECG2):

I just read your email... And I dont get it!!!! I never yelled at you in our short conversation ealier.. I never said anything bad to you at all.. Why is it that anytime I get upset about anything, You immediately assume that I am mad and angry at something you did? I just let you know what happened.. Thats it.. I know you didnt teach your cat to feed on my resume 30 minutes before my interview.. Do you really think that I think that. It was something for me to be upset over.. Really people can be upset at things that happened and not balme someone for it. If what had happened to me today would have happened to 1000 other people, what do you think the normal rationelle would have been. Anger.!! Not mad at you.. Just mad in general that I am that Fucking snake bit that a cat would dine on the only resume's I had for an interview 30 minutes before it. I thanked you many times last night for revizing it for me.. I really do appreciate it.. It looks much better than it did.
But this issue that is so big for you that is my anger.. Is going to be a problem if you continue to react this way everytime I am mad at something. Especially since at no point was the anger directed at you.
You reacted the same way the other night when I was in horrible pain with my tooth and I pulled the drawer open that I was looking in for medicine after you closed it.. I was in total agony.. My pain was 10 out of 10 and you got mad at me for my reaction. I am sorry.. but I was at a place physically that I couldnt calmly explain to you why I wanted the drawer open that I was digging in.. I just opened it.. And I cant see how this is in anyway a disrepect to you..
Same thing today.. I told you what happened.. I was upset at my shitty luck.. And now your mad at me and telling me that your not going to continue to date me if I continue to disrespect you and treat you that way..
I am stunned.. I dont believe I have treated you badly in any way.. I was angry or in complete pain over 2 separate things, unrelated to you.. and this is somehow the way I am treating you.. I dont get that..
Are there really people out there that could have not been angry about there shity luck today.. or someone who could stay calm and explain perfectly to you that it feels like they have a rusty icepick sticking out of there jaw. I love you very much.. I like to think that we are very good together and this realtionship will work out long term, but this reaction to today and last week is not something that I want to keep happening- over nothing!!!.
I think that you are taking things and making them WAY bigger than they are. Hell.. I saw your mom get much angrier than i have been .. out in public about not getting a plain glass of ice at the snack bar of the movie theater. This was way bigger than that!!!! And all I did was tell you the "Fucking" Cat ate the work you did for me..
I am still sitting here shocked over you telling me the I disrespected you today and that I HURT you, SCARED you and made you RESENT me for it.
i guess I am clueless on how real people are supposed to function.

E-mail THREE (CG):

1) I don't think that you can see how angry you get at things or else you might be able to see it from my perspective. You throw rags, you swear at inanimate objects, you shatter phones. That is all abusive. Abusive at things, not people, but still intimidating to be around. I try not to take it personally but when it turns towards me it scares and upsets me. I am not accusing you of trying to scare me. I am telling you how I feel when you drop your pants and yell at the top of your lungs in a parking lot in front of your children or when you yank a drawer open and almost hit me with it or when you call and shoot down any apologies or solutions for a bad situation.

2) I am trying to learn how to speak up when I feel like people are violating my boundaries. Raging at me (whether you intend to direct it at me or not) is a boundary violation for me. E-mail probably isn't the best place for it but I tend to cry when I do it in person (hell, I tend to cry when I do it in e-mail). When you get mad, it does makes me feel bad, especially when it comes out of nowhere. As I explained the other night, I tried to shut the drawer because I thought you were coming towards me to run to the bathroom. I had come over to try to help you get whatever you needed out of the drawer. Today I wanted to help you but you were so angry.

3) My mother has always been like that. She is crazy. It upsets me very much with her, too. Usually my heart is racing and I get upset but, like you, if I try to tell her that she just ges more angry and acts like I'm the crazy one and that she's totally rational.

4) You love me very much? Do you realize that the most you have ever said to me along those lines is "I cannot understate how much you mean to me"? Am I supposed to have known that? Was I supposed to pick up on it somehow? Are you sending me smoke signals? Sometimes I wonder if you think that you are saying things, like thanks 10,000 times, when really you are just thinking them and not saying anything. Last night when we were talking about your documents I had to finally say, "Does it look okay? Do you like it?" before you said thanks. And I feel like I'm always doing backflips to do things for you... You probably have no idea what I am talking about because you think you are expressing yourself very well.

This e-mail probably sounds like I am super mad or super upset or something. I'm just sad and disappointed because I was soooo excited for you today and I was really hoping you would have an awesome interview. I was bummed that Shirley screwed it up and that you wouldn't allow me to help you make things right. I was frustrated that you were so upset and not able to calm down on the way to your interview.

E-mail FOUR (BECG2):

I know how angry I get.. What part of any anger I have ever had was towards you? None!! That my point I made about blowing things out of proportion. When I pulled my shorts down for 1 second.. At no point of that did I yell at the top of my lungs.. Not even remotely.. Thats out of proportion..
At no point of our conversation this morning did I shoot down any appology. I didnt have time to solve the problem.. Thats all there was to that.. It just happened to be something that couldnt be fixed. Accident happen.. I know that.. Doesnt make me not get mad. Was I really supposed to just smile and be in a wonderful happy-go-lucky? My reaction.. Was normal.. I am sorry that you freak out over any little sign of someone being angry about something.. I think that you automatically believe that the anger is towards you. No matter what kind of anger or frustration it is. I mean really..... Other than telling you that the cat "Ate" my resume.. What else did I do or say that was so over the top angry that it "Scared" you? I must be totally oblivious to it that its repressed in my subconsciences. To me... I told you what I said... I was fairly calm about it.. Yes I was frustrated.. but pretty calm..
I am sorry that me having an frustration emotion that is anger is a "Boundry" violation for you.. Honestly.. I dont know what the hell that even means.. Maybe I am not smart enough.. Who knows.. For some reason.. I dont get it.. And that frustrates me even more.. This whole thing today has frustrated me.. I dont want to walk around on egg shells afraid of saying the wrong thing or having a millimeter too much emotion towards a reaction that it scares you and crosses some line.. I really have sat back.. Went over the situations in my head.. Tried to see your point of view.. And I am lost.. I dont get it! Unless I read a bunch of complex books.. I cant figure it out.. I think my BP is up 50 points tonight because of it.. I feel like a retard because I cant see what it is I am supposed to see..
Right now.. I am going for the liquer.. and going to go and hopefully pass out.. I am tired of trying to figure it out..

E-mail FIVE (CG):
Honestly I am not certain how to respond to your e-mail. I told you how I felt, gave direct, concrete examples of when and why I felt that way and asked you to try to tone down the anger somewhat and allow me to be of help when you are in pain or frustrated or whatever. Instead of truly hearing me, you turned it around and made me the one in the wrong, basically saying I am over-emotional and "freak out" and insinuating that you somehow aren't smart enough to understand what I am talking about. Interesting.

I don't know how to be more clear. Fact: When you get "frustrated", I feel bad. You could not get as angry. I could not "freak out". Obviously we are at an impasse because I'm probably not going to stop feeling upset/scared/bothered by that behavior, especially when you will neither acknowledge nor recognize it. And as long as you can't validate my feelings, you will always think I am "over-reacting" or "freaking out." I just got out of eight years of an abusive marriage. Usually I can separate your anger/frustration against objects or situations from me but I was just trying to explain that several times, including today, I felt like I was included in it and that your reaction was extreme in proportion to the situation. Obviously you don't see it in yourself. So I don't know what else to say...

Monday, January 19, 2009

Impotent Wimp

So apparently I am broken in more ways than one. I reviewed the whole BECG2 situation with my therapist, who I had not seen since Thanksgiving. We talked it out and decided that I enjoy being with him despite his weird issues. Then she asked if I could stand taking it a day at a time an dstaying with him for the next 2.5 years until I am done with school. Um, no! Crap. :( Still, I'm scared of being alone. Haven't done that in a long time and I remember how much it sucks. And he's sweet. And my wimpy ass point is why break it off if I am not ready and he doesn't care? Ugh... Yep, I suck. I know I deserve a man who adores me an is willing to show it, not one who STILL won't watch porn with me and can't make a single emotional statement (although he did call me sweetheart - swoon).

Speaking of porn, I am apparently impotent now and in DIRE need of porn. DAMN YOU, DRUGS!!! I have been in a lot of pain for the last week or so (neuropathy, fibromyalgia, blah, blah, blah) and have been trying to space out the two medications I am on (anti-seizure and SNRI) throughout the day, as each is a two-pill dose, to see if that helps the pain. Unfortunately in addition to screwing with the nerves in my arms and legs, either the pain or the drugs are apparently screwing with other nerve endings... Somehow, however, it does NOT affect the drive, just the ultimate result. After hours (and I do mean HOURS) of trying Saturday night and Sunday night with BECG2, I pulled out the big gun, super-charged it, tried for 45 more minutes and finally gave up. Fuck a duck. :( I told BECG2 he needs to bring porn into the bedroom or else I may never get off again (although this is a recent thing for me, damn drugs). He said that in 38 years he has never done that. I asked him if he was intimidated by it (if he had said yes, that might have been a dealbreaker). He said no, just that it never occurred to him. So we will see what he does and if it works. Please God let it work. Nothing like keeping your old sex drive and not being able to do anything about it. Crap.