Saturday, October 11, 2008

Just another weekend

Bebop and I had a good night. Went to a local Italian place where he had spaghetti and meatballs and I had lasagna. He was being a goofball and putting the red napkin on his head so I tied it on his head and took pictures of him. He looked like a little old Russian woman. LOL.

BECG2 didn't call last night (too busy working on his computer). He did, however, send me an IM around 2 a.m. to see if I was still awake. Okay... Then he e-mailed me just to say he was thinking of me. I say he was bored waiting for whatever process to finish on his computer. Or he was looking at my naughty pic. ;) Either way, I just want him to send me a nice, friendly e-mail in the middle of the day. In his "hi" e-mail, he responded to the excited e-mail I sent yesterday but didn't say word one abut the thing I was excited about. Argh.

Okay, off to a petting zoo and musical show with Bebop and my mother. Should be a fun day!

Friday, October 10, 2008


So my heart says I want to hang out with bebop tonight. The needy
part of me says to invite BECG2. So I do. And his response is that
he is busy working on a project but do bebop and I want to watch a
movie at his house. Fortunately Good Mom interjects herself into my
clingy/needy psyche and I hear myself saying, "no, he had a hard day
at school and I need to keep him on schedule. He won't sleep at your

Good mom. And I really do want to spend time with B. But I have this
underlying panicked need to do what BECG2 wants. It was easy to do
this crap when I was with X "oh, we have to do what daddy says.". But
it is hard to recognixe and accept here that BECG2 is not guilting me
or trying to control. No, he accepted me no with a smile and a no
problem. I think my heart may prefer having the decision taken out of
my hands. How totally fucked up am I? Okay, I guess it is time to
actually read more than chapter one of the codependency books my
therapist made me buy.
On the plus side, at least I recognixe it. I was feeling angry at
BECG2 for a few minutes there for not wanting to eat with us. Then I
"sat with the emotion" and realized it was all about me and not at all
about reality.

Sent from my mobile device

Why do I care?

Yes, I am a crazy girl. I sent BECG2 an email telling him some
exciting news then called him to tell him I had emailed. I was giddy
and couldn't wait to hear his reaction. He said he would check in a
bit after cleaning the kitchen. That was four hours ago and nothing.
Tell me why do I care? I am seriously considering batting for the
other team. We may be bitchy but at least we are usually direct.
Stupid stupid inconsiderate men. :(

Yes, I know, there could be any number of reasons he didn't check.
But this isn't the first time he has put everything else in front of
me. Sucks.

Oh and bebops teacher called to say he wa written up yet again and
that none of the other kids want to play with him. Great.

Sent from my mobile device

Boys and toys

Well BECG2 finally arrived last night. He liked my lingerie.
Tee-hee. But I was kind of stressed and just couldn't get into it.
The we-vibe was nice but I think I need to work with it a bit more to
figure it out.

After sex and cuddling, we had a bit of a fight. Which, in a
codependent world, means I asked him to do something for me, his
response didn't meet my expectations and I shrugged it off to be
pleasing and then went and sulked about it. He fell asleep. Grew a
pair this morning and told him how I was feeling. We talked it out
calmly like mature adults and he helped me see his perspective and
come up with an alternate solution. He really is very level-headed
and grounded and helps remind me that I cannot control anyone but
myself, as much as I might like to.

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Thursday, October 9, 2008

Don't Make Me Wait!

My new toy has arrived. I'm wearing my sluttiest lacy black-and-red teddy with thigh-highs to boot. I'm showered, smelling good, and the kid is fast asleep inside with my parents. Where is BECG2? An hour late. :( Trying to listen to sexy songs (thanks T) and drinking a little Merlot to stay in the mood. At least there's always fantasizing. ;) Fucker.

TGI... Oh wait

Crap, it is only Thursday. Bebop came into my bed for a cuddle around 5 and I ended up oversleeping. Perhaps the half bottle of Merlot was ill-advised. BECG2 did call around 11:15 p.m. to tell me all about his bad day. Then he asked me to talk to him. I told him I had blogged about it if he wanted to read. He said he needed his sleep but to call him if I wanted to talk. Okay. So I went to sleep. Dreamt that he was cleaning his house and telling s friend that he really needed s wife because all the housework was getting old. Weird. This morning I
checked stats and he did read my blog but didn't email or comment. Nope, just clicked on the link to naked boobs for breast cancer. Men!

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Rearing its Ugly Head

Ah, yes, that would be the codependency. I've been bummed tonight. Cleaning, drinking wine, listening to depressing music - wallowing. And did BECG2 call? No. (Okay, so I had my phone off, but no voicemail). Did he read my other blog where I lay it out in a real passive-aggressive way for him (nope - stat checker says no). Do you think he even realizes he pissed me off when he blew me off earlier? Probably not. So why am I so wound up? DAMN IT. And why is he so self-absorbed. And why am I so needy? And why can't I just tell him straight out that I need him to put his work stress aside for a moment and just be there for me. Is that too much to ask? Again, though, fucking codependency. I give, give, give and then resent when he doesn't reciprocate. Fuck.


If any of you are thinking, "Man, this chick is whiny!", you should know that this is my bitching blog. I have another one where I talk about everything else in life but I'm more exposed on that one and many people I know IRL read it. You can e-mail me at CODAGivingGirl at g mail if you want the other blog's URL.

The scream

I can feel it inside me but it won't come out. The pressure has built
all afternoon. I haven't felt this way in months... Not since he
left. I lived for 8 years under his ever-increasing control, fearful
of his anger and disapproval and constantly trying to please. Right
before he left, I tied my stomach in knots - literally! Had to have
major surgery for it.

Now my stomach feels like it did back then. Like a burning, churning
ball of stress. I tried calling BECG2 for comfort. Ha! Wrapped up
in his own work shit, he said "go figure.". Yep, I can pick 'em.

Sent from my mobile device

And the shit hits the fan

Three months after abandoning our son and fleeing to his home country,
X just called to say he has a ticket home next Sunday. Fuck, time to
change the locks and buy that gun.

Sent from my mobile device

Busy girl

Rolled into work at 915 yesterday to find everything had gone to shit.
No drinks, no projector. Ugh. Worked it out (and fortunately my
boss and coworker were also late due to the crappy traffic) but now my
boss wants to "visit" with me. Shoot. I was in back to back meetings
yesterday so we couldn't talk but I know he was upset about the bad
impression made on our guests. Trying not to take his reaction too
personally but these situations always bring out the people-pleasing
side of me.

Sent from my mobile device

Tuesday, October 7, 2008


Now it is a full hour since I left home, I am back where I started and
my gas light just came on. I had decided to double back and see if
moving down one intersection would help my commute. Hahaha. UM, that
would be a no.

Sent from my mobile device


I am sitting in a 10-mile traffic backup. Have a HUGE meeting today.
Need another two hours with the second of two papers due tonight.
Have a 3pm meeting with a guy who is very long-winded and in from
outside the country. Supposed to leave for class at 3:30. Forgot that
when I agreed to meet at 3. I am going to be soooo late! Trying to
chill but I can feel my BP rising by the minute.

Sent from my mobile device

Monday, October 6, 2008


So I resisted calling BECG2 tonight after the weird nipple clamp conversation. Worked on homework instead (which is really what I should have been doing!) He just called. Didn't bring it up and neither did I. It was a regular conversation that, for all the steam involved, I could have had with my brother. Sigh... I get a lot from this relationship - comfort, cuddles, new experiences, a shoulder to lean on - but it sure doesn't stimulate that wild side of me. BECG2 doesn't check his e-mail very often and his phone is so old he can't text. That kind of kills my fun. ;) He may be what I need (i.e., an adult who calls me on my BS and is kind to me) and he is a very good man but sometimes I kind of want to scream.

Couldn't wait

Man, I wish there was a Babeland near me. Would have hauled tail down there after class tonight. Instead, I made the fatal mistake of clicking on their latest sale e-mail and next thing I knew I was $165 poorer (most of that due to the fact that I wanted two-day shipping and even that is going to do me in - LOL). Please God, let this live up to the hype. I'll let you all know.


I got a salad at Subway tonight and the lady seriously skimped on the
lettuce and veggies. It was such a bummer. This girl in class
brought gourmet popcorn for everyone to eat and I want it bad but of
course she is sitting up front where I can't reach without
interrupting everyone. Good thing I brought some apricot fruit

I was talking to BECG2 on the way here. We are planning a trip to the
local sex toy store. Since, probably due to some medication I am on, I need some serious stimulating to get off, we decided to get a toy to keep at his place. On the phone I mentioned that I have always wanted to try nipple clamps. He gasped and said "not for me!!" I laughed and
said I meant for me and then hung up to go to class. Not sure whether I freaked him out....

Sent from my mobile device


Is there such a thing as a delayed hangover? I was fine yesterday but
today my stomach burns and my head aches. Wtf?!?!

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Theme songs

I swear that the Dixie Chicks have written the songs that tell my life
story. When Wide Open Spaces Came out, I was in the process of
chucking everything and heading to Albuquerque where I knew no one to
live and go to school just because it seemed like a cool place.
Cowboy Take Me Away was the theme song when I was dating my
rodeo-riding rancher of an ex-husband. Not Ready to Make Nice helped
me vent my anger at my husbands infidelity. These days the song is
Sin Wagon. And, if I could find the strength and integrity inside me,
Don't Waste Your Heart on Me would probably be the song I would share
with BECG2.

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Sunday, October 5, 2008

Sunday musings

So this weekend was interesting. On the one hand, BECG2s family are all really nice and a lot of fun to be around. On the other hand, a large part of me feels guilty for leaving Be-Bop at drop-in daycare from 9 a.m. until 7 p.m. Saturday so I could go out and have fun. I did go ask him if he wanted to go and he said that he'd rather stay for the art party and pizza. But the Mommy Guilt came on hard, probably because my own mother was riding my ass for not only "abandoning my child" but also for getting completely shitfaced.

The other hard part about the weekend was BECG2s attitude. His family is so much fun but he was kind of mopey. He's been sick and has a bad toothache. The head part of my gets it; the heart not so much. He's very caring but not very emotionally demonstrative and I have a really hard time with that. This morning I woke up and pulled on his future SILs cropped capri pants. My butt looked pretty cute. Started to tease him and gave him a long, romantic kiss. He just rolled back over and went to sleep. Wasn't very romantic most of the morning. It wasn't until we'd returned to his house mid-day and I practically shoved him up against the wall that he showed any kind of interest. Every time I start to think, "Well, he must just not really be all that into me," he turns around and does something sweet or sexy. It's very confusing to me and I am having a hard time figuring out my feelings. I'm not used to this type of guy.

Right now I'm wearing a shirt he left over here. I washed it and was going to give it back but it's nice and soft and worn so instead I threw it on. ;) He reads my other blog and part of me thinks/knows (?) he may find his way here. I can only hope that if/when he does, he can understand my need to talk out my feelings in order to try to reconcile them. This whole getting in touch with my true feelings thing is really difficult.

Right now my true feeling is one of exhaustion. I was going to go to sleep earlier, darn it. It is 11:16 and I am still up. Bed now!

Weekend Fun

Drank too much, got naked and flashed BECG2's mother, slept next to BECG2s parents, fought with my mother about my "inappropriate life choices" and spent more than two hours with my legs spread in an uncomfortable position to accommodate my fat thighs and BECG2s big butt on his motorbike. Limping now. LOL. Did have fun sex Saturday AND Sunday, a definite plus.

A special photo taken on my cell by BECG2 during the worst part of the weekend: