Processing

So my heart says I want to hang out with bebop tonight. The needy
part of me says to invite BECG2. So I do. And his response is that
he is busy working on a project but do bebop and I want to watch a
movie at his house. Fortunately Good Mom interjects herself into my
clingy/needy psyche and I hear myself saying, "no, he had a hard day
at school and I need to keep him on schedule. He won't sleep at your
house."

Good mom. And I really do want to spend time with B. But I have this
underlying panicked need to do what BECG2 wants. It was easy to do
this crap when I was with X "oh, we have to do what daddy says.". But
it is hard to recognixe and accept here that BECG2 is not guilting me
or trying to control. No, he accepted me no with a smile and a no
problem. I think my heart may prefer having the decision taken out of
my hands. How totally fucked up am I? Okay, I guess it is time to
actually read more than chapter one of the codependency books my
therapist made me buy.
On the plus side, at least I recognixe it. I was feeling angry at
BECG2 for a few minutes there for not wanting to eat with us. Then I
"sat with the emotion" and realized it was all about me and not at all
about reality.

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