The Hard Discussions

So those of you who read my other blog know that this is where I talk about the raw feelings and that I discuss BECG2 in a more positive light on the other one. Both are honest, but this blog has more of the anxiety I feel that I fear expressing (partially because he reads the other blog). That said, in an attempt to be real and work on my codepenency issues, I have been trying incredibly hard to be truthful with him and tell him when I feel resentful or like a boundary has been violated.

Tonight we had one of those conversations. He keeps doing this thing where he will promise to do something like call or come over or whatever and then, for various reasons, it doesn't come to pass. This is never at my request but always initiated by him. But once promised I get my hopes up and then I get let down when it doesn't happen. It happened again last night when he promised to call at midnight to wish me happy birthday since he had to leave my party early and then he never called. He also didn't call again until almost noon and then didn't even mention the day. :( After I confronted him tonight and told him how I felt about it (especially because I had told him calling wasn't necessary but he insisted/made a huge deal about doing it), he said that he had texted me and it must never have gone through. Hmmm.

THEN, as I'm leaning in my car, he says, "We need to get a place together so you won't have to go home." WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!? HOLY FARKING SCHNIT. I actually said (okay, perhaps I screeched) "What?!?!" and then I said it again for good measure. My initial response was, "Wow, that's a discussion for another time." Then I basically said, "Look, BECG2, I like you a lot and I'm having a great time with you but on some things I am feeling disappointed and I don't know whether that's an issue with me or with you or with both of us but I need time to figure that out. And most importantly, BeBop has had a lot of changes this year and so have I. I don't want to disrupt him more and I don't know that I trust myself to make any important decisions until I can figure out whether I'm making them in the best interest of BeBop and myself or because it makes me happy in the short-term."

What a hard conversation... BECG2 took it really well and kept saying, "You mean so much to me. There is no way for me to understate how much." And I, of course, kept trying to explain to him what a mess I am right now. Geez. I don't know how I feel. What I do know is that I need to get my ass into my therapist, who I have not seen for almost a month now thanks to school and work insanity, and also need to dive back into some of these self-help books so I can stop feeling so anxious all the time.

We won't even get into my ex-husband and the fact that I may need to go back to court to remove his visitation or, worse, that he may go to jail within the next few weeks. (

Relationship ADD

I am reading a book called "101 Things I Learned After My Divorce" by Tomi Tuel. Tuel describes a phenomenon known as Relationship ADD, which is where your benchmark for love is off-center after loving and healing the wrong way. Questions to ask yourself include:

1) Do you accuse your current love for no appropriate reason of having the same failings as your former spouse?
2) Do you scare off potential partners with the sordid details of your crazy ex?
3) Do you reveal too much about your vindictive tendencies?
4) Do you openly make derogatory statements about the opposite sex to the opposite sex?
5) Do you list the happiest day of your life as the day your husband hit rock bottom?
6) Do you make it a practice to have sex with more than one person?
7) Do you practice ABC method of dating? A is #1, B is #2, C is #3. A doesn't know about B and C; B knows about A but not C and so on.
8) Do you need a sex buddy in your life regardless of your interest in that person?
9) Do you pick someone to have a relationship with based solely on the charge you feel with them?
10) Do you lose interest in your sex partner after 6 weeks?
11) Do you consider two weeks between relationships as ample time for closure?
12) Do you think dressing for the occasion means dressing so that you can undress onstage later that night?
13) Do you secretly want to be a porn star?
14) Do you think if you tell everyone how great you are over and over, they will eventually believe it?
15) Do you want a new boat and plan to name it Babe Magnet or Midlife Crisis?

Divorce Recovery Books

After our respective divorce support groups this morning, Bebop and I went to Barnes and Noble to get books. We must have both been feeling a God connection today. Bebop picked out a children's Bible stories book and brought it to me, asking to buy it. I'm glad because the one I have from when I was little is freaking scary!!! This one is much more age-appropriate. I picked up a book called Boundarieswhich focuses on "When to say yes, how to say no to take control of your life." This is a skill I really need to work on. I get that I'm Codependent and have no boundaries. What I don't get (Really!) is how to set them. I've read about half the book this afternoon and it is very, very good.

I also purchased Grace for the Moment by Max Lucado. I've been looking for some short daily meditations and Lucado has always spoken to me. We are not actively attending church but I'm trying to go with the idea that faith should be my center so that I'm not as rocked by life events. Finally, I purchased a second meditation book by Melody Beattie, The Language of Letting Go Hopefully the two books can provide some centering to my day and encourage me to start journaling so that I can "sit with my feelings", as my therapist recommends.

Bebop did get some fun books. He discovered SkippyJon Jones, about a Siamese cat who thinks he is a Chihuahua. It's a hilarious Spanglish book. LOL. He also got Froggy's Halloween. He has adored Froggy ever since we read Froggy Rides a Bike when he got his first bicycle last year. One of the words for fart in Spanish is "pedo" so we'd say the line "Froggy pedaled really hard" and Bebop would just roll with laughter.

Sunday reflections

Spent the night with BECG2 last night. Bebop and I went over for dinner and then Bebop went down in BECG2's daughter's room. BECG2 and I watched Baby Mama and then both fell asleep, exhausted, around 2 a.m. No sex, just sleep.

This morning we talked about depression at my divorce support group. It was the first session where I haven't cried, probably because I'm too numb. My primary care physician is upping my anti-depressant this week so hopefully I will be nice and medicated by the time X returns next week.

Cartoon Fun