Damn it all

Up, down, up, down. I spent all day yesterday crying. Then I summoned up my courage and went to BCEG2 and told him that I think I need to be alone because I am seriously broken right now and unsure of who I am and what I want. He talked me out of it. He really can be very sensible and sweet. He held me and let me cry. Even gave me his winter hat to blow my nose into. LOL. So I left feeling a lot better, went home, took the first anti-anxiety pill in 9 months and slept like a baby. Before I went to bed, he called and said he was going to come sleep over tonight.

Tonight rolls around and he has a toothache. Again. It's always either his kidneys (stones) or teeth. Yes, I realize these are legitimate complaints. But WTF?!? He couldn't come over and sleep here? Be miserable next to me? :( I know, I know, he's trying to spare me the misery. But I hate the up/down cycle we are in. He can be super-sweet one minute and extremely self-absorbed the next. And then I question whether it is really self-absorption or whether I am judging him by my codependent standards. Just because I would drop everything for anyone in need doesn't mean he should. Still...

I have a date tomorrow night. Man with the same name as my uncle and grandfather. He asked me out a few weeks back and I put it off. Then, when I was feeling funky with BECG2, I said yes. Now I feel obligated to go but I'm not sure how I feel about it in terms of BECG2. My heart says we aren't destined for lifelong love and that I really need to be on my own sometime. It also says I need friends right now. My head says, "Go girl! You deserve to be appreciated." So I have a new sexy dress and I am going, damn it. Won't sleep with him or anything but I can certainly enjoy a night of greek food and (hopefully) good conversation, right?

Meltdown

I had one today.  Felt so low all morning.  Got to my therapist's office at 11 a.m. only to find the doors locked and no one at home.  Started crying and didn't stop for 20 minutes.  Went to CVS for chocolate and Monistat (yep, having a FANTASTIC week).  Therapist called to see if I could come right then to see her so I turned around and went.  Spent 30 minutes wailing in her office about how overwhelmed, in pain (neuropathy sucks!) and generally bummed I am right now.  Now I'm back at work and, again, just completely down and out of it.  :(  And I cannot find my fucking phone now!*(&^!  This after I lost it last week and had to file a police report and get a replacement.  Another one arrived today.  I am soooooo depressed.  I have class today and don't know if I can even face that.  I just want to lay down and cry.

Down

Sorry I haven't been posting here as much as I was. I've had a crazy few weeks at work and in life and am just not sure what to say. Today my divorce recovery group talked about dating (or not). I really, really need to end things with BECG2 if I'm ever going to be able to get to know myself as a single person. I dated people fairly consistently from 17 - 20, at which point I met my husband. We were married when I was 21 and divorced shortly after I turned 29. I do not know who I am outside a relationship. I probably need to figure that out.

And quite frankly BECG2 is just not a great match for me. Sure, I enjoy the sex (although I sure do miss my ex-husband's oral skills and generosity in bed!) and he is a very kind, comforting, stable presence in my life. But he has an angry streak. And he is quite selfish and uncommunicative. And he is going through a lot right now at work and medically that makes him not able to be "all there" for me. But how do I tell him that I want to end things without hurting him? Can we stay friends (probably not)? Will I have a total breakdown if this ends and I no longer have that comfort to turn to? Ugh.

Going to keep praying on it. One of the things that was a big issue in my marriage is that my ex-husband wouldn't let me go to our local Episcopal church, or any church for that matter. I'm really trying to reconnect with that and listen to the voice that keeps calling me back there. I feel like God is trying to help me right now and I want to take notice. But I need strength.

Hiding out

Becg2 and I had a good talk. I feel happier about being in the now.

In other news, my father continues to blindside us. He is bioplar.
After years of responsibility, he has suddenly cracked up and is no
longer the man I knew. He has spent months getting up and dressed for
work and hiding at the library. When we figured it out, he got help
and medication, worked things out with his job, etc. We thought he
was getting better. This morning he left at 630. At 815, after
dropping my son off at school, my mother went to the bagel place and
guess who was in front of her in line? You guessed it. :(

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Head, Meet Wall

It is 11:45 p.m., I am home from a long weekend away with BECG2 and I am ready to scream and cry simultaneously. The town was beautiful. We laughed, talked, enjoyed the sights, and it was peaceful and lovely. But, other than Saturday night, we were just "off." And I don't know what to do about it. Do I have to fix it? Can I just be in the moment, enjoy his company and not try to over-analyze or make it better? I just want to scream right now.

We had a long talk this morning about what I need (and don't). Every man I have ever been with has cheated. Or at least found someone better. And it makes me a bit crazy. Right now I'm in this really unpleasant hypersexual, weepy, unbalanced place. I have a drive to rival a man's and a heart that is as tender as any woman's. Only wine/beer and sex make my pain go away right now. Any slight rejection (or perceived rejection) sends me into a tailspin. BECG2 is very sensible, understanding and sweet. But not romantic, not very good at expressing emotion, etc. He has told me this. My head understands it; my heart takes every "no thanks, not in the mood" as a direct blow. He has some medical issues that are interfering. Again, head understands; heart says "It's you. He doesn't want you. No matter how much lace you wear and things you try, you will never be enough." Crazy. I am a great girl. Why does my head fuck with me like this?

He also has a bit of an angry streak. Not towards people but he just gets grouchy when things don't go the way he thinks they should. So tonight after we got off the plane, he was going to come over and let me mess with him for a bit and then take his dog (who my mother was dogsitting) and head home. Instead, I asked him a question at the airport, he bit my head off, I took it personally and that was it. The mood was broken, I was pissed and I think he knew it. Perhaps not. Right now I don't care. I know he's not "The One" so how do I enjoy the good things about him and the things he can offer me right now and not blow things out of proportion? It's time for bed before I kick something.

Signs of the times

The economy must truly suck. Whereas there is usually a super-long
line, for the past week or two there has been almost no wait at my
local starbucks drivethrough.

Last night we had to take bebop to the emergency room after he started
wailing at karate about severe stomach pains. He cried for two hours,
threw up some nasty green thick stuff and then felt better. Lab work
came back fine so we are watching him. $100 for that.

Today I will re-enroll in my hmo. Going to cost 10% coinsurance now
for x-rays and such. Better than the 20% the ppo charges for a sicko
like me, but still!

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Mmmm

I have been in a good mood this week, bouyed by my newfound ability to
set some boundaries with X. He is not testing them too hard, mind
you. When he does, that will be the real challenge. I also need to
work on not letting him irritate me. That gives him too much power..

Last night I worked some of that irritation off with BECG2. Fun.
Trying to come up with a sexy outfit so I can surprise him when I get
to the hotel friday night but I may just go with lace panties, bra and
thigh-highs under a dress. I can't help but feeling a little anxious
over this weekend. I have seen a few tiny glimpses of Becg2s romantic
side but it really isn't like him to be mushy. I like mush. I think
he knows that. So we will see. I don't want to have to ask for it
because then it is forced. If he can't do it naturally, then I will
just enjoy this pasatiempo and keep my eyes open for a man who can
give me what I need instead of just basking in the afterglow of, as he
calls it, my "mad skillz".

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