Sunday, October 26, 2008

Head, Meet Wall

It is 11:45 p.m., I am home from a long weekend away with BECG2 and I am ready to scream and cry simultaneously. The town was beautiful. We laughed, talked, enjoyed the sights, and it was peaceful and lovely. But, other than Saturday night, we were just "off." And I don't know what to do about it. Do I have to fix it? Can I just be in the moment, enjoy his company and not try to over-analyze or make it better? I just want to scream right now.

We had a long talk this morning about what I need (and don't). Every man I have ever been with has cheated. Or at least found someone better. And it makes me a bit crazy. Right now I'm in this really unpleasant hypersexual, weepy, unbalanced place. I have a drive to rival a man's and a heart that is as tender as any woman's. Only wine/beer and sex make my pain go away right now. Any slight rejection (or perceived rejection) sends me into a tailspin. BECG2 is very sensible, understanding and sweet. But not romantic, not very good at expressing emotion, etc. He has told me this. My head understands it; my heart takes every "no thanks, not in the mood" as a direct blow. He has some medical issues that are interfering. Again, head understands; heart says "It's you. He doesn't want you. No matter how much lace you wear and things you try, you will never be enough." Crazy. I am a great girl. Why does my head fuck with me like this?

He also has a bit of an angry streak. Not towards people but he just gets grouchy when things don't go the way he thinks they should. So tonight after we got off the plane, he was going to come over and let me mess with him for a bit and then take his dog (who my mother was dogsitting) and head home. Instead, I asked him a question at the airport, he bit my head off, I took it personally and that was it. The mood was broken, I was pissed and I think he knew it. Perhaps not. Right now I don't care. I know he's not "The One" so how do I enjoy the good things about him and the things he can offer me right now and not blow things out of proportion? It's time for bed before I kick something.


T said...

The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. Short book. Easy read. Go get it.

It isn't about you. And you still have some healing to do. Your fear of "not being good enough" will continue to drive men away. I know because I do it too.

When I figure out the secret, I'll let you know. :)


Mama Dawg said...

Believe me, it's not just you that feels this way. I went through this as well. But, I've been w/out a man for so long, I don't feel this way anymore. Would I feel this way if there was a man in my life? I don't know.

Sorry you're feeling this way. It sucks.