Codependency Scale

Stealing from Goin-Crazy's post about codependency to evaluate myself for a bit

The Spann-Fischer Codependency Scale

Read the following statements and place the number in the spaces provided that best describes you according to the following list: 1 Strongly Disagree; 2 Moderately Disagree; 3 Slightly Disagree; 4 Slightly Agree; 5 Moderately Agree; 6 Strongly Agree.

1. It is hard for me to make decisions. 1 - Strongly Disagree

2. It is hard for me to say "no." 6 - Strongly Agree

3. It is hard for me to accept compliments graciously. 3 - Slightly Disagree

4. Sometimes I almost feel bored or empty if I don't have problems to focus on. 5 - Moderately Agree

5. I usually do not do things for other people that they are capable of doing for themselves. 6 - Strongly Agree

6. When I do something nice for myself I usually feel guilty. 2- Moderately Disagree

7. I do not worry very much. 1 - Strongly Disagree

8. I tell myself that things will get better when the people in my life change what they are doing. 5 - Moderately Agree

9. I seem to have relationships where I am always there for them but they are rarely there for me. 6 - STRONGLY AGREE

10. Sometimes I get focused on one person to the extent of neglecting other relationships and responsibilities. 5 - Moderately Agree

11. I seem to get into relationships that are painful for me. 6 - Strongly Agree

12. I don't usually let others see the "real" me. 4 - Slightly Agree

13. When someone upsets me I will hold it in for a long time, but once in a while I explode. 5 - Moderately Agree

14. I will usually go to any lengths to avoid open conflict. 6 - STRONGLY AGREE

15. I often have a sense of dread or impending doom. 5 - Moderately Agree

16. I often put the needs of others ahead of my own. 6 - Strongly Agree

Orgasm Therapy

I have had a shitstorm of a year.  All of which came to a head last week in a huge way.  After a few days of trying to sort things out, things are looking a bit better but I was still tied in knots and feeling sick to my stomach.  So yesterday I decided to engage in a little orgasm therapy.  Took the day off from my Cymbalta (okay, so that was an accident but I am definitely going to try it again sometime because that crap doesn't kill my super-strong drive, just reduces sensation - female ED).

Anyway, I got BECG2 in the mood by taking him to Frys to help me pick out a replacement camera for my stolen one.  When we got home, he was on fire.  Almost took me right there against the wall in his living room before the dog started barking and broke the mood.  He dragged me to his room, threw me down on the bed and gave me one of those kisses that makes every nerve ending stand up and scream for more.  I spent a good long time enjoying his deliciousness and then hopped on top so that I could take some for me.  OMG, I have never been with a guy who has hit my g-spot like that with only his member.  Surprises me every time he is inside me.  Mmmm.

So I got mine (and then some) and then we lay in bed talking for almost an hour.  Usually he is pretty exhausted by that time of night but the next thing we knew it was 1130.  He walked me to my car and gave me another toe-curling kiss goodbye.  Well his sex drive is much lower than mine.  He can usually only go once whereas one orgasm just gets me energized and ready for more.  I went home and got online.  Started reading the Best Sex Bloggers blog and, next thing I knew, I was ready to go again.  Took out the Gigi and the We-Vibe along with the warming lube and took it nice and slow.  Holy crap, did I come hard and wet.  By then it was 115 and I collapsed into my pillows with a highly contented sigh.  Woke up this morning with my stomach far less knotted, ready to face the day.  And wanting more.

Bottom line: orgasm therapy is a great stress reliever.  Getcha some.

Now if I could just find a male sex slave to be at my beck and call since BECG2 can't work it right now until his medical issues are resolved and my webcam buddy decided he needed to stop engaging in "sinful" activities and return to God.  Oh and BECG1, with the HellaGood G-spot finger move lives too far away, is off seeing his daughter every other weekend, and has worse potency issues than BECG2.  Sigh...
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Damn it all

Up, down, up, down. I spent all day yesterday crying. Then I summoned up my courage and went to BCEG2 and told him that I think I need to be alone because I am seriously broken right now and unsure of who I am and what I want. He talked me out of it. He really can be very sensible and sweet. He held me and let me cry. Even gave me his winter hat to blow my nose into. LOL. So I left feeling a lot better, went home, took the first anti-anxiety pill in 9 months and slept like a baby. Before I went to bed, he called and said he was going to come sleep over tonight.

Tonight rolls around and he has a toothache. Again. It's always either his kidneys (stones) or teeth. Yes, I realize these are legitimate complaints. But WTF?!? He couldn't come over and sleep here? Be miserable next to me? :( I know, I know, he's trying to spare me the misery. But I hate the up/down cycle we are in. He can be super-sweet one minute and extremely self-absorbed the next. And then I question whether it is really self-absorption or whether I am judging him by my codependent standards. Just because I would drop everything for anyone in need doesn't mean he should. Still...

I have a date tomorrow night. Man with the same name as my uncle and grandfather. He asked me out a few weeks back and I put it off. Then, when I was feeling funky with BECG2, I said yes. Now I feel obligated to go but I'm not sure how I feel about it in terms of BECG2. My heart says we aren't destined for lifelong love and that I really need to be on my own sometime. It also says I need friends right now. My head says, "Go girl! You deserve to be appreciated." So I have a new sexy dress and I am going, damn it. Won't sleep with him or anything but I can certainly enjoy a night of greek food and (hopefully) good conversation, right?

Meltdown

I had one today.  Felt so low all morning.  Got to my therapist's office at 11 a.m. only to find the doors locked and no one at home.  Started crying and didn't stop for 20 minutes.  Went to CVS for chocolate and Monistat (yep, having a FANTASTIC week).  Therapist called to see if I could come right then to see her so I turned around and went.  Spent 30 minutes wailing in her office about how overwhelmed, in pain (neuropathy sucks!) and generally bummed I am right now.  Now I'm back at work and, again, just completely down and out of it.  :(  And I cannot find my fucking phone now!*(&^!  This after I lost it last week and had to file a police report and get a replacement.  Another one arrived today.  I am soooooo depressed.  I have class today and don't know if I can even face that.  I just want to lay down and cry.

Down

Sorry I haven't been posting here as much as I was. I've had a crazy few weeks at work and in life and am just not sure what to say. Today my divorce recovery group talked about dating (or not). I really, really need to end things with BECG2 if I'm ever going to be able to get to know myself as a single person. I dated people fairly consistently from 17 - 20, at which point I met my husband. We were married when I was 21 and divorced shortly after I turned 29. I do not know who I am outside a relationship. I probably need to figure that out.

And quite frankly BECG2 is just not a great match for me. Sure, I enjoy the sex (although I sure do miss my ex-husband's oral skills and generosity in bed!) and he is a very kind, comforting, stable presence in my life. But he has an angry streak. And he is quite selfish and uncommunicative. And he is going through a lot right now at work and medically that makes him not able to be "all there" for me. But how do I tell him that I want to end things without hurting him? Can we stay friends (probably not)? Will I have a total breakdown if this ends and I no longer have that comfort to turn to? Ugh.

Going to keep praying on it. One of the things that was a big issue in my marriage is that my ex-husband wouldn't let me go to our local Episcopal church, or any church for that matter. I'm really trying to reconnect with that and listen to the voice that keeps calling me back there. I feel like God is trying to help me right now and I want to take notice. But I need strength.

Hiding out

Becg2 and I had a good talk. I feel happier about being in the now.

In other news, my father continues to blindside us. He is bioplar.
After years of responsibility, he has suddenly cracked up and is no
longer the man I knew. He has spent months getting up and dressed for
work and hiding at the library. When we figured it out, he got help
and medication, worked things out with his job, etc. We thought he
was getting better. This morning he left at 630. At 815, after
dropping my son off at school, my mother went to the bagel place and
guess who was in front of her in line? You guessed it. :(

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Head, Meet Wall

It is 11:45 p.m., I am home from a long weekend away with BECG2 and I am ready to scream and cry simultaneously. The town was beautiful. We laughed, talked, enjoyed the sights, and it was peaceful and lovely. But, other than Saturday night, we were just "off." And I don't know what to do about it. Do I have to fix it? Can I just be in the moment, enjoy his company and not try to over-analyze or make it better? I just want to scream right now.

We had a long talk this morning about what I need (and don't). Every man I have ever been with has cheated. Or at least found someone better. And it makes me a bit crazy. Right now I'm in this really unpleasant hypersexual, weepy, unbalanced place. I have a drive to rival a man's and a heart that is as tender as any woman's. Only wine/beer and sex make my pain go away right now. Any slight rejection (or perceived rejection) sends me into a tailspin. BECG2 is very sensible, understanding and sweet. But not romantic, not very good at expressing emotion, etc. He has told me this. My head understands it; my heart takes every "no thanks, not in the mood" as a direct blow. He has some medical issues that are interfering. Again, head understands; heart says "It's you. He doesn't want you. No matter how much lace you wear and things you try, you will never be enough." Crazy. I am a great girl. Why does my head fuck with me like this?

He also has a bit of an angry streak. Not towards people but he just gets grouchy when things don't go the way he thinks they should. So tonight after we got off the plane, he was going to come over and let me mess with him for a bit and then take his dog (who my mother was dogsitting) and head home. Instead, I asked him a question at the airport, he bit my head off, I took it personally and that was it. The mood was broken, I was pissed and I think he knew it. Perhaps not. Right now I don't care. I know he's not "The One" so how do I enjoy the good things about him and the things he can offer me right now and not blow things out of proportion? It's time for bed before I kick something.