Wow...

Ms. Single Mama wrote a post today that really spoke to me. She said that she keeps feeling like something is missing in her new relationship and it turns out to be drama, disrespect, etc. -- basically, the bad boy factor.

She said:

“I’m not all giddy, crazy, head in the clouds in love with him like I normally am with men. Instead we’re just slowly developing this deep friendship and I feel very calm.”

“That’s okay. It’s normal and very adult. You just need to re-learn some things, re-learn how you see things and feel things, that’s all. We can fix this kiddo!”

I TOTALLY got this! I think I'm realizing more and more that a lot of my relationship issues come from MY reaction to what I think the person should be doing based on my imprinting not based on any realistic understanding of who they are. Now I am NOT saying that BECG2 is "the one" or that we have a future. But I need to stop sabotaging the fun time we are having because something is missing. He is kind to me. He makes me laugh. I really enjoy sex with him. So I need to QUIT the racing mind "what is missing? what is missing? what is missing?", at least for right now.

So little time

I am soooo sick. Darn cold. Came on last night and is kicking my butt today. My nose won't stop running so I am now sporting chapped cheeks and a pile of coffee table tissues. I am trying to be productive and it just isn't working out.

I had to spend an hour with X today. It was sooooo unpleasant because I was just pissed that I had to be there and he was like, "WTF is up your butt?" The salesperson said, "okay, you two, this isn't divorce court."

Then I got a lecture at my Divorce group today about how sex can only be truly special and spiritual within the confines of marriage. Whatever. I pled the Fifth since I knew I was in a grouchy mood and then finally spoke up and said, "Look, this whole "masturbation is the devil's tempting you thing" just seems wrong. I don't appreciate the video shaming women into feeling bad about their normal sexual needs. God made us to seek companionship. For those women who choose to keep sex within marriage, I don't see any problem with masturbation (or porn - but I didn't say that." Geez.

Then a woman who just got out of a 30-year marriage with a man who is porn and hooker addicted said, "But what if you wait until the wedding night and the man is no good?" Then she wailed, "I just cannot do that again!!!" LOL.

For those of you who plan to join me in hell (lol), Babeland is offering 10% off any product with the promo code "Secret" as well as free shipping for orders over $50 and a 25% off sale on customer favorites.

The Sweetest Christmas Gift

Do you have a newly divorced friend, a spouse or a significant other out there who could use a little holiday cheer? After my divorce, I went out looking for some information and products to help me get through the lonely nights. For years I'd either visited local stores or Good Vibrations. Then I found Babeland. With its clean, easy-to-navigate web site, instructional guides and product reviews, it was exactly what I was looking for! And, bonus, they have lots of sales and are typically cheaper than Good Vibes (and less cheesy than the local stores). I have purchased a Gigi, a WeVibe and an awesome lube and have been exceptionally pleased with the whole purchase experience. I called them to order the GiGi and the sales people were excellent - very knowledgeable. So go pick up one of the gift sets, a gift card or a special toy for your friend/spouse/SO today!

Matt, Liz & Madeline Logelin Charity Gift Registry

Since I'm feeling in such a funk and have nothing nice to say (except, I wanted to take this opportunity to encourage you all to give to Matt Logelin's chosen charity, My Stuff Bag Foundation.

SingleMindedWomen.com and the Matt Logelin family have created this charity gift registry for the My Stuff Bag Foundation, which provides clothing, toys and necessary items for abused, neglected and abandoned children (newborns - 18 yrs.) throughout the United States.

I sent a big batch of kids items to My Stuff direct from Amazon last week. It's amazing how many inexpensive deals they have to get the most bang for your buck. Click through my Amazon link at right to give me some love and go purchase stuff for these kids today! Oh, and don't forget underwear and toiletries - basic necessities that often get forgotten.

What is wrong with me?

I've been home all day. My whole body hurts. I cannot seem to move to get anything done. I have a report due and my project partner is waiting on it. We have to present tomorrow. I told him I'd have it for him last night. I have read but have not written a word. It is 4:30.

BECG2 called this morning. Said nothing about last night. Has not read my e-mail. Was off today and I haven't seen his face. I want to not care. I want to be able to get things done. I just feel so blah.

Stupid Men

I just had a little fight with BECG2. He is really, really, REALLY bad about communicating his feelings. He rarely e-mails, you won't see him sending me Facebook messages and, if he reads my blog, it's only for maybe a minute. I need communication. We have had many, many, MANY discussions about this. I sent him something funny tonight and then when we IM'd, I asked him if he liked it cause he didn't e-mail back. He said sure, which made me think he'd just disregarded it. I said "Well my blog readers seemed to think it was funny." He responded, "Do you want me to read and respond to EVERY post?!?" I said, "No, of course not. What I do want, however, is for you to respond to the occasional e-mail of mine. Doesn't have to be long, doesn't have to say a lot, I just like to know you are thinking about me." He said, "I don't know what you want me to say." I told him to just go to bed and let me work. Then I sent him a link to this and told him to look at #10. Then, when he didn't respond, I told him to also look at #s 14, 25, 32, 39, 44, 46, 49 and 50. About 30 seconds later he signed off Yahoo with no further discussion. ACK!!!! MEN!!! How fucking hard is it to just say, "Hey baby, thinking about you." Am I asking too much here?

Mmm and Codependent Giving

BECG2 just called me sweetheart. My heart melted. I am sooooo up and down in this relationship. It is probably just me and my depression. He really is a great guy. I was all stressed about this work project that was sucking up all my time and he came up with a great solution that made it go 10x faster. He is really good at seeing things clearly and rationally. Last night we went to the movies and then home for some sex. It was really nice but I tried to get him to say SOMETHING just a little hot and he just doesn't seem to have it in him. I teased him a bit and he said, "I have a 'bad boy' mind, just not a 'bad boy' vocabulary." Bummer. :( I'll keep working on him. Want him to show me some of his porn but he's just not quite there yet. Sigh...

In other news, I made a seriously codependent move today. Now I am rationalizing it as a smart investment but part of my brain goes, "You big needy fixing dummy!" I lent BECG2 all of my insurance reimbursement check from my recently stolen vehicle contents so that he could buy a professional camera and restart his side photography business. Don't scream. I did make him sign a promissory note. And he has worked professionally in photography in the past but had a ton of equipment stolen right after he closed his business and, because it was at his home and not at his company and he hadn't yet listed the items, it wasn't covered under homeowners. UGH. Anyway, he is an excellent photographer and it was only $1,800. Okay, it was $1,800 I could have used. But I honestly think he is going to find a ton of people to shoot. I have many contacts and he really is good with kids and people generally. Still, codependent. Hope I don't kick myself hard for this one. I know, I know, I know...