Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Teary Time

Apparently I have entered a teary phase. On the one hand, life is going great. Work is awesome (promotion, 17% (!!) bonus (mostly stock, but I'll take it), and fun projects), my mentally ill father is finally stable for the first time in about a year and my son seems to be doing better with my divorce. But while I thought I had taken my breakup with BECG2 in stride, when I had to see him for a few minutes recently this week, one kind act on his part left me fleeing in tears unable to raise the fact that he still has a cell phone of mine and owes me $1,200. Yes, I am a Codependent!

Then tonight I went to my divorce recovery group and we had to discuss healthy relationships. It was an interesting topic with lots of good insight shared. However, as I was walking out with the guy who invited me (ironically, my summer Webcam Sex Guy - Ha!), we got to talking about a bunch of heavy stuff and I started crying again. We ended up talking deep spiritual stuff for about an hour in the parking lot and I left drained and tear-stained.

Then I get to the X's apartment to pick up my son and, again, he says something and the tears start all over. WTF?!?!?! I must be hormonal or something. This is ridiculous. :( Divorce sucks. Someday I will be whole. Former Webcam Sex Guy says I should just take each thing that is weighing me down, write it down on a piece of paper, tell God I'm giving it to him and then put it in a locked box and consider it gone. I'll try. I just want to feel whole someday and feel like I can "trust my picker." Right now my sex drive is insane and I feel like all I want is an easy FWB relationship. But I suppose what I really should want is a good, sold, long-term relationship. Hopefully my mindset will change soon and I will find what I'm looking for when I least expect it.

4 comments:

Bella said...

Seriously sweetie a relationship is the very last thing you need right now. Focus on building up your confidence in yourself. Believe it or not a man does not make or break you. Enjoy life as it is and when you do that and accept all of your awesomeness better men will move towards you.

GG said...

Working on confidence. Not seriously looking for a relationship. Believe me, last night's divorce group drove home the point that I am not ready. You know when you meet almost every criteria in the "do you choose unhealthy relationships" column, you probably need to do some work before you are ready for someone new (and hopefully healthy!)

T said...

Its ok to cry. Let the tears fall until you're better. No one is judging you for feeling what you feel. Just FEEEEELLLL it!! And it will pass.

((hugs))

Senorita said...

I think writing your thoughts down and storing them for later would help. Or you could write a list of all the reasons why you got divorced and read it later. I know you are not in the mood to write, but it did wonders for me. BTW I've never been married, and I know that a breakup does not even compare to a divorce, but maybe there is a small chance that it may make you feel better down the road. Good luck, my heart goes out to you.