Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Loving the Assclowns

I'm trying to read this book on loving Assclowns and Mr. Unavailable or, as my therapist puts it, always picking narcissists. And when I say pick, I mean pick. No one ever picks me. And it is my turn to be picked, DAMN IT! I am smart. I am sweet. I have a good heart. I LIKE SEX! Geez, what more could a guy want?

BECG2 still hasn't watched porn with me. :( He asked me to move in with him, though (Holy Farking Schnit - I said no). And the closest he has come to any declaration of emotion is "I cannot understate how much you mean to me and what an important role you are playing in my life." Um... okay? But he has an anger problem, damn it. And honestly that's a dealbreaker. I can enjoy sleeping with him, going to movies, hanging out, etc., but I will not be longterm with someone who has rage issues. I'd noticed it for a while but it got worse over Christmas. On New Year's Eve he changed into shorts before we went to a Dave & Busters-type place but had forgotten his belt. I said, "Aww, do you really have to go home and get it?" trying to be sympathetic because it wasn't close to his house. He DROPPED HIS PANTS in the middle of the parking lot and screamed "Yes!!! Unless you want me to walk around freaking naked all night." Okay, you three year-old. Enjoy your tantrum.

Then the other week he was working on my car and couldn't find what he needed so he threw his toolbox across the room. Final straw was this weekend. He hurt himself and went into the kitchen to get something out of a drawer to help but he was in so much pain. I asked if I could help. He moved towards me and I thought he was going to pas by. So I shut the drawer. Big mistake. He yanked it back open and yelled at me that he was looking for something. I walked away. Later than night I confronted him and set my boundary (yay me): "BECG2, I am always kind to you. Your actions tonight were unkind and disrespectful and I don't want you to do that ever again." His response, "Oh, so when I'm in pain I'm supposed to take time out to be kind?!?" Um... gee...

So I was backing off a bit while continuing to enjoy his company on a casual basis. Set the boundary that I would NOT be living with anyone unless we were in love, headed for marriage, etc., for BeBop's sake. Set the boundary that anger/rages are not acceptable. Forgot to set the "don't cheat on me" boundary. I'm not certain it's been crossed but...

This weekend BECG2 let me use his computer to write a blog post for my other blog. I was switching between pages regularly. When I went to pull up the drop down menu to go back to a page I'd accidentally shut, the history showed free P*rn sites. That's all fine and good (hell, you know me). But it also showed Craigslist Erotic Classifieds. I guess I need to just come out and ask him but do you think someone looks at those just to get off or do you think the only reason someone would look at those is to hire someone for services? I have been pretty depressed ever since and kind of unable to snap out of the funk. Hell, I'm practically begging him for sex and asking him to watch porn and here he is online wasting hours when he could have the real thing. Makes a girl feel pretty insecure about herself. Sure, I know, all guys look at that stuff. But when he crosses from hot babes dot com to real live service ads for pros in our town, that has me concerned. :( What is wrong with me?


T said...

GIRL!!! So, you've asked him to watch porn with you and he refuses? But then looks at it on his own? Sounds familiar. My ex did the same thing. I truly think he was too embarrassed or ashamed to watch with me. It didn't make sense that he would hide it from me but he did.

I also felt much like the mother my relationship with my spouse. Not all the time but on some things, yes. The tantrum in the parking lot? You've got to be kidding me. Yeah girl... I don't know.

I've looked at the erotic Craigslist ads just for fun and yes... a little eroticism. But never called/contacted any of them. Who knows? But for the sake of safe sex, you should definitely say something.


Hope the book is helpful.

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