Monday, January 19, 2009

Impotent Wimp

So apparently I am broken in more ways than one. I reviewed the whole BECG2 situation with my therapist, who I had not seen since Thanksgiving. We talked it out and decided that I enjoy being with him despite his weird issues. Then she asked if I could stand taking it a day at a time an dstaying with him for the next 2.5 years until I am done with school. Um, no! Crap. :( Still, I'm scared of being alone. Haven't done that in a long time and I remember how much it sucks. And he's sweet. And my wimpy ass point is why break it off if I am not ready and he doesn't care? Ugh... Yep, I suck. I know I deserve a man who adores me an is willing to show it, not one who STILL won't watch porn with me and can't make a single emotional statement (although he did call me sweetheart - swoon).

Speaking of porn, I am apparently impotent now and in DIRE need of porn. DAMN YOU, DRUGS!!! I have been in a lot of pain for the last week or so (neuropathy, fibromyalgia, blah, blah, blah) and have been trying to space out the two medications I am on (anti-seizure and SNRI) throughout the day, as each is a two-pill dose, to see if that helps the pain. Unfortunately in addition to screwing with the nerves in my arms and legs, either the pain or the drugs are apparently screwing with other nerve endings... Somehow, however, it does NOT affect the drive, just the ultimate result. After hours (and I do mean HOURS) of trying Saturday night and Sunday night with BECG2, I pulled out the big gun, super-charged it, tried for 45 more minutes and finally gave up. Fuck a duck. :( I told BECG2 he needs to bring porn into the bedroom or else I may never get off again (although this is a recent thing for me, damn drugs). He said that in 38 years he has never done that. I asked him if he was intimidated by it (if he had said yes, that might have been a dealbreaker). He said no, just that it never occurred to him. So we will see what he does and if it works. Please God let it work. Nothing like keeping your old sex drive and not being able to do anything about it. Crap.


T said...

Damn girl.. sorry to hear. Have you ever tried visiting with a homeopath? Or have I suggested this before?

Hope it gets better!

Life On Edge. said...

urgh urgh urgh I soooooooooo feel your pain!!! two - I repeat, after only TWO days of celexa (and only 10 mg), I am already in the same situation you are - believe me, I am reducing that crap to 5mg then maybe stopping it again, how am I supposed to deal with this?

Now the coda thing? question for you: if both the man and the woman are codependent, does this make it better? J. and I are on the verge of self-destruction all the freaking time, it is sooo exhausting...