Friday, December 26, 2008

Lonely

School is over, I'm off work, the holiday rush of the past few days has passed and now I'm alone. And I want to cry. And I want to climb the walls. I just realized something. After 9 years with the X smothering me to the point where my whole life revolved around him because any interest in others made him mad, I have no idea what to do with myself when I am alone. It is such an uncomfortable feeling! I try to read but my mind is just constantly racing with thoughts of all the things I have to worry about. X has left the country again and is doing some bad, bad, BAD things and I am super-stressed about that but trying to remember that I can only control myself and my actions, not him or others.

What is driving me especially nuts is that BECG2 is having a boys weekend with his brother and cousins, which is awesome (he will take time out for my birthday party tomorrow night), but I am losing it. I keep wanting to text him or call him. WTF?!?! What is wrong with me? Am I seriously THAT dependent on him that I cannot leave him alone for 5 minutes? Geez!!! And I do the same thing with my son. If I'm not on the Internet or with BECG2, I want to be with Bebop and I want him to play games or watch DVDs or read books, which is all fine and well except then his playmate comes over and he goes to play with her and I feel bereft. Again, WTF?!?! Open dictionary, turn to Codependent, see my picture. Shit.

5 comments:

T said...

Dang girl.

Well, your awareness helps.

Go see a movie or something!! After Christmas shopping, maybe?

Hang in there. Glad you're having a birthday party... something to look forward to!

Mike said...

LOL. At least you know it's your picture there and acceptance makes it easier to move to the next step.

Life On Edge. said...

you need friends!!! nobody can feel unlonely without friends!!! yes I know - I made up a word but not the feeling :)

Cobra said...

I know the feeling well.

Southern Sage said...

once you identify what you want to change the rest gets easier.

Good luck.