Challenged...

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Impotent Wimp

So apparently I am broken in more ways than one. I reviewed the whole BECG2 situation with my therapist, who I had not seen since Thanksgiving. We talked it out and decided that I enjoy being with him despite his weird issues. Then she asked if I could stand taking it a day at a time an dstaying with him for the next 2.5 years until I am done with school. Um, no! Crap. :( Still, I'm scared of being alone. Haven't done that in a long time and I remember how much it sucks. And he's sweet. And my wimpy ass point is why break it off if I am not ready and he doesn't care? Ugh... Yep, I suck. I know I deserve a man who adores me an is willing to show it, not one who STILL won't watch porn with me and can't make a single emotional statement (although he did call me sweetheart - swoon).

Speaking of porn, I am apparently impotent now and in DIRE need of porn. DAMN YOU, DRUGS!!! I have been in a lot of pain for the last week or so (neuropathy, fibromyalgia, blah, blah, blah) and have been trying to space out the two medications I am on (anti-seizure and SNRI) throughout the day, as each is a two-pill dose, to see if that helps the pain. Unfortunately in addition to screwing with the nerves in my arms and legs, either the pain or the drugs are apparently screwing with other nerve endings... Somehow, however, it does NOT affect the drive, just the ultimate result. After hours (and I do mean HOURS) of trying Saturday night and Sunday night with BECG2, I pulled out the big gun, super-charged it, tried for 45 more minutes and finally gave up. Fuck a duck. :( I told BECG2 he needs to bring porn into the bedroom or else I may never get off again (although this is a recent thing for me, damn drugs). He said that in 38 years he has never done that. I asked him if he was intimidated by it (if he had said yes, that might have been a dealbreaker). He said no, just that it never occurred to him. So we will see what he does and if it works. Please God let it work. Nothing like keeping your old sex drive and not being able to do anything about it. Crap.

Loving the Assclowns

I'm trying to read this book on loving Assclowns and Mr. Unavailable or, as my therapist puts it, always picking narcissists. And when I say pick, I mean pick. No one ever picks me. And it is my turn to be picked, DAMN IT! I am smart. I am sweet. I have a good heart. I LIKE SEX! Geez, what more could a guy want?

BECG2 still hasn't watched porn with me. :( He asked me to move in with him, though (Holy Farking Schnit - I said no). And the closest he has come to any declaration of emotion is "I cannot understate how much you mean to me and what an important role you are playing in my life." Um... okay? But he has an anger problem, damn it. And honestly that's a dealbreaker. I can enjoy sleeping with him, going to movies, hanging out, etc., but I will not be longterm with someone who has rage issues. I'd noticed it for a while but it got worse over Christmas. On New Year's Eve he changed into shorts before we went to a Dave & Busters-type place but had forgotten his belt. I said, "Aww, do you really have to go home and get it?" trying to be sympathetic because it wasn't close to his house. He DROPPED HIS PANTS in the middle of the parking lot and screamed "Yes!!! Unless you want me to walk around freaking naked all night." Okay, you three year-old. Enjoy your tantrum.

Then the other week he was working on my car and couldn't find what he needed so he threw his toolbox across the room. Final straw was this weekend. He hurt himself and went into the kitchen to get something out of a drawer to help but he was in so much pain. I asked if I could help. He moved towards me and I thought he was going to pas by. So I shut the drawer. Big mistake. He yanked it back open and yelled at me that he was looking for something. I walked away. Later than night I confronted him and set my boundary (yay me): "BECG2, I am always kind to you. Your actions tonight were unkind and disrespectful and I don't want you to do that ever again." His response, "Oh, so when I'm in pain I'm supposed to take time out to be kind?!?" Um... gee...

So I was backing off a bit while continuing to enjoy his company on a casual basis. Set the boundary that I would NOT be living with anyone unless we were in love, headed for marriage, etc., for BeBop's sake. Set the boundary that anger/rages are not acceptable. Forgot to set the "don't cheat on me" boundary. I'm not certain it's been crossed but...

This weekend BECG2 let me use his computer to write a blog post for my other blog. I was switching between pages regularly. When I went to pull up the drop down menu to go back to a page I'd accidentally shut, the history showed free P*rn sites. That's all fine and good (hell, you know me). But it also showed Craigslist Erotic Classifieds. I guess I need to just come out and ask him but do you think someone looks at those just to get off or do you think the only reason someone would look at those is to hire someone for services? I have been pretty depressed ever since and kind of unable to snap out of the funk. Hell, I'm practically begging him for sex and asking him to watch porn and here he is online wasting hours when he could have the real thing. Makes a girl feel pretty insecure about herself. Sure, I know, all guys look at that stuff. But when he crosses from hot babes dot com to real live service ads for pros in our town, that has me concerned. :( What is wrong with me?

Not Tempting Enough...

He just called. He's "busy". Working on his computer. And it's cold outside. I've had a crap week. I just fought with my son to sleep in his own bed even though he normally sleeps in mine on Friday nights because, damn it, I thought I was going to get some. FUCK. I hate men sometimes.

What part of naked don't you understand?

So it's 11 p.m. At 10:24 p.m., I sent BECG2 the following text message:

Just stepped out of the shower. My skin is steamy and flushed and hot and... well... wet. Any ideas on how I might remedy the situation?

The man lives 10 minutes away. Harumph.

So little time

I am soooo sick. Darn cold. Came on last night and is kicking my butt today. My nose won't stop running so I am now sporting chapped cheeks and a pile of coffee table tissues. I am trying to be productive and it just isn't working out.

I had to spend an hour with X today. It was sooooo unpleasant because I was just pissed that I had to be there and he was like, "WTF is up your butt?" The salesperson said, "okay, you two, this isn't divorce court."

Then I got a lecture at my Divorce group today about how sex can only be truly special and spiritual within the confines of marriage. Whatever. I pled the Fifth since I knew I was in a grouchy mood and then finally spoke up and said, "Look, this whole "masturbation is the devil's tempting you thing" just seems wrong. I don't appreciate the video shaming women into feeling bad about their normal sexual needs. God made us to seek companionship. For those women who choose to keep sex within marriage, I don't see any problem with masturbation (or porn - but I didn't say that." Geez.

Then a woman who just got out of a 30-year marriage with a man who is porn and hooker addicted said, "But what if you wait until the wedding night and the man is no good?" Then she wailed, "I just cannot do that again!!!" LOL.

For those of you who plan to join me in hell (lol), Babeland is offering 10% off any product with the promo code "Secret" as well as free shipping for orders over $50 and a 25% off sale on customer favorites.

The Sweetest Christmas Gift

Do you have a newly divorced friend, a spouse or a significant other out there who could use a little holiday cheer? After my divorce, I went out looking for some information and products to help me get through the lonely nights. For years I'd either visited local stores or Good Vibrations. Then I found Babeland. With its clean, easy-to-navigate web site, instructional guides and product reviews, it was exactly what I was looking for! And, bonus, they have lots of sales and are typically cheaper than Good Vibes (and less cheesy than the local stores). I have purchased a Gigi, a WeVibe and an awesome lube and have been exceptionally pleased with the whole purchase experience. I called them to order the GiGi and the sales people were excellent - very knowledgeable. So go pick up one of the gift sets, a gift card or a special toy for your friend/spouse/SO today!

Mmm and Codependent Giving

BECG2 just called me sweetheart. My heart melted. I am sooooo up and down in this relationship. It is probably just me and my depression. He really is a great guy. I was all stressed about this work project that was sucking up all my time and he came up with a great solution that made it go 10x faster. He is really good at seeing things clearly and rationally. Last night we went to the movies and then home for some sex. It was really nice but I tried to get him to say SOMETHING just a little hot and he just doesn't seem to have it in him. I teased him a bit and he said, "I have a 'bad boy' mind, just not a 'bad boy' vocabulary." Bummer. :( I'll keep working on him. Want him to show me some of his porn but he's just not quite there yet. Sigh...

In other news, I made a seriously codependent move today. Now I am rationalizing it as a smart investment but part of my brain goes, "You big needy fixing dummy!" I lent BECG2 all of my insurance reimbursement check from my recently stolen vehicle contents so that he could buy a professional camera and restart his side photography business. Don't scream. I did make him sign a promissory note. And he has worked professionally in photography in the past but had a ton of equipment stolen right after he closed his business and, because it was at his home and not at his company and he hadn't yet listed the items, it wasn't covered under homeowners. UGH. Anyway, he is an excellent photographer and it was only $1,800. Okay, it was $1,800 I could have used. But I honestly think he is going to find a ton of people to shoot. I have many contacts and he really is good with kids and people generally. Still, codependent. Hope I don't kick myself hard for this one. I know, I know, I know...

Head, Meet Wall

It is 11:45 p.m., I am home from a long weekend away with BECG2 and I am ready to scream and cry simultaneously. The town was beautiful. We laughed, talked, enjoyed the sights, and it was peaceful and lovely. But, other than Saturday night, we were just "off." And I don't know what to do about it. Do I have to fix it? Can I just be in the moment, enjoy his company and not try to over-analyze or make it better? I just want to scream right now.

We had a long talk this morning about what I need (and don't). Every man I have ever been with has cheated. Or at least found someone better. And it makes me a bit crazy. Right now I'm in this really unpleasant hypersexual, weepy, unbalanced place. I have a drive to rival a man's and a heart that is as tender as any woman's. Only wine/beer and sex make my pain go away right now. Any slight rejection (or perceived rejection) sends me into a tailspin. BECG2 is very sensible, understanding and sweet. But not romantic, not very good at expressing emotion, etc. He has told me this. My head understands it; my heart takes every "no thanks, not in the mood" as a direct blow. He has some medical issues that are interfering. Again, head understands; heart says "It's you. He doesn't want you. No matter how much lace you wear and things you try, you will never be enough." Crazy. I am a great girl. Why does my head fuck with me like this?

He also has a bit of an angry streak. Not towards people but he just gets grouchy when things don't go the way he thinks they should. So tonight after we got off the plane, he was going to come over and let me mess with him for a bit and then take his dog (who my mother was dogsitting) and head home. Instead, I asked him a question at the airport, he bit my head off, I took it personally and that was it. The mood was broken, I was pissed and I think he knew it. Perhaps not. Right now I don't care. I know he's not "The One" so how do I enjoy the good things about him and the things he can offer me right now and not blow things out of proportion? It's time for bed before I kick something.

Random Thoughts

1) I am sooooo sad for T. :( I am actually literally feeling down about this. Shed some tears. She deserves a great, great man. On the bright side, at least she had the hot sex.

2) Speaking of hot sex, I picked up Doc Johnson's Kisserthis week and tried it out today with BECG2. OMFG!!!! Such an awesome partner sex toy. Flexible, fits perfectly and the nubs help it stay still so it won't move. Fantastic sex.

3) Damn, my tattoo itches right now. ARGH, not touching it is killing me.

4) I was very honest with BECG2 today about several things. I was quite proud of myself for just stating my feelings and not needing a response or taking anything he said in the wrong way. Maybe I'm growing a bit?

We-Vibe Initial Review

So I tried the We-Vibe with BECG2 and it was pretty nice albeit a bit awkward. I think the key is to move a lot and try to forget it's there. The friction is important. The other thing is that we couldn't quite figure out which side should be up. BECG2 did say that he thought it made him last longer, which he liked. Anyway, we tried it the night before I got my period a freaking week early (damn stress!) so we will try again when I'm in a better spot in my cycle.

I did, however, try it again alone today along with my Gigi vibe and a visit to For the Girls for a little inspiration. Holy crap! May not need a man for a while now... ;)

I'll get back to you all on the We-Vibe with a partner once I try it again.

Don't Make Me Wait!

My new toy has arrived. I'm wearing my sluttiest lacy black-and-red teddy with thigh-highs to boot. I'm showered, smelling good, and the kid is fast asleep inside with my parents. Where is BECG2? An hour late. :( Trying to listen to sexy songs (thanks T) and drinking a little Merlot to stay in the mood. At least there's always fantasizing. ;) Fucker.

Couldn't wait

Man, I wish there was a Babeland near me. Would have hauled tail down there after class tonight. Instead, I made the fatal mistake of clicking on their latest sale e-mail and next thing I knew I was $165 poorer (most of that due to the fact that I wanted two-day shipping and even that is going to do me in - LOL). Please God, let this live up to the hype. I'll let you all know.

Craving

I got a salad at Subway tonight and the lady seriously skimped on the
lettuce and veggies. It was such a bummer. This girl in class
brought gourmet popcorn for everyone to eat and I want it bad but of
course she is sitting up front where I can't reach without
interrupting everyone. Good thing I brought some apricot fruit
leather.

I was talking to BECG2 on the way here. We are planning a trip to the
local sex toy store. Since, probably due to some medication I am on, I need some serious stimulating to get off, we decided to get a toy to keep at his place. On the phone I mentioned that I have always wanted to try nipple clamps. He gasped and said "not for me!!" I laughed and
said I meant for me and then hung up to go to class. Not sure whether I freaked him out....

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Sent from my mobile device

New Addiction? [ADULT CONTENT]

This site says it's impossible but I'm starting to wonder if I've become addicted to my vibrator. LOL. Ever since my divorce, I have been hyper-sexual, hence Webcam Guy, BECG2 for regular sex and last Saturday night's rendezvous with my good buddy, BECG1, who needed a good lay and got one. None of these guys (or the two one-night stands before them - Mr. Nobody and Mr. Arrogant) gave me what I needed. Webcam Guy has anger issues, especially when it comes to his ex. BECG2 is a big guy and has some medical issues but boy does he have a nice-sized penis that hits all the right spots. :) Unfortunately his skills in terms of what works for me aren't that great so I end up having to use the vibrator to finish. Similar problem with BCEG1, who has some serious ED issues. He does have some nice compensating skills but, whether from the damn anti-BowChickaBowWow drugs or his down attitude, I couldn't finish with him alone. The only awesome post-divorce sex was a full-day marathon with Mr. Nobody after a wicked hot night of phone/webcam sex and then he never called again. Sigh... Oh and Mr. Speed was texting me some hot shit but now he has found a girlfriend. So never mind. That's okay, though. He is too damn far away. I can't even get to the other side of my huge town (especially with all these traffic lights down!) so how am I going to get to Oregon?

Anyway, my vibrator is a very expensive, top-of-the-line model from Babeland and that's what worries me. Think you can get addicted to them? My guess is that I just haven't met a guy who turns me on enough. I keep picking "safe" guys. My ex knew how to push my buttons but he also DEMANDED that I let him get me off with oral sex at least four nights/week before he could finish himself. If I asked him to just do his part, he'd get furious. I guess some women wouldn't complain about that. My therapist says its abusive. All I know is that when it was good, it was DAMN GOOD! And probably the only part of my marriage I miss. But now I wonder if I will ever find good sex again without bringing my toy to bed?