CODA Giving Girl

Challenged...

2009-03-23T20:06:00.000-07:00

Apparently my divorce has turned me into a complete four-letter word that rhymes with butt. Or maybe I have always been one deep down? Or perhaps I just am using sex as an escape to avoid reality. I don't know. Ever since I broke up with BECG2, I have been absolutely bereft. Even though I know it was the right thing to do, it's like the floodgates open and I just want to cry all the time.

A few weeks ago I put an ad on Craigslist - single mom ISO single dad for FWB situation. Boy, did I get a lot of responses. Two guys seems somewhat normal and I gave them the time of day. After a week of exchanging seriously steamy texts and e-mails, one took me out for drinks. We went back to his place, I went down on him, then I went home. The other came over, I went down on him, he went home. That time it was because he had called earlier in the day and I had already finished with my toy. I don't know if I'm just not into this, not attractive to them, or just too giving (probably the latter). The first guy never called again. :( The second came over again tonight but AF showed up, I'm sick, etc., so it was all him again. He says "it's on" next week. We'll see...

Another guy invited me to a gangbang. Ha. Yeah, like I'm going to offer myself up to a group of 10 men at some anonymous location THEY pick. Not freaking likely.

I think the problem is the friends part. I was so irritated when BECG2 moved things from sex and fun into "love" because I was having fun and enjoying spending time alone with myself as well as time with him. I just don't know how to find that again. Someone who I enjoy being around who will take me out, have fun, have sex with me, but not expect the world and a commitment Right.This.Minute! I need some time to find me. But, damn it, I need sex. I like it, I want it, and I don't think I should have to live without it. But I don't think having it with Joe Stranger is the way to go either. Especially if I'm not getting anything in return (even if I do get pretty turned on by going down on a man...).

Everyone keeps telling me to enjoy being alone. I want to tell them to stick it where the sun don't shine. Grrr. I like having male companionship. I crave it. I can work on me but I need my sex fix. Is that so wrong? Men go out and pay for it, for pete's sake. Why the double standard here?

Teary Time

2009-03-04T21:27:00.000-08:00

Apparently I have entered a teary phase. On the one hand, life is going great. Work is awesome (promotion, 17% (!!) bonus (mostly stock, but I'll take it), and fun projects), my mentally ill father is finally stable for the first time in about a year and my son seems to be doing better with my divorce. But while I thought I had taken my breakup with BECG2 in stride, when I had to see him for a few minutes recently this week, one kind act on his part left me fleeing in tears unable to raise the fact that he still has a cell phone of mine and owes me $1,200. Yes, I am a Codependent!

Then tonight I went to my divorce recovery group and we had to discuss healthy relationships. It was an interesting topic with lots of good insight shared. However, as I was walking out with the guy who invited me (ironically, my summer Webcam Sex Guy - Ha!), we got to talking about a bunch of heavy stuff and I started crying again. We ended up talking deep spiritual stuff for about an hour in the parking lot and I left drained and tear-stained.

Then I get to the X's apartment to pick up my son and, again, he says something and the tears start all over. WTF?!?!?! I must be hormonal or something. This is ridiculous. :( Divorce sucks. Someday I will be whole. Former Webcam Sex Guy says I should just take each thing that is weighing me down, write it down on a piece of paper, tell God I'm giving it to him and then put it in a locked box and consider it gone. I'll try. I just want to feel whole someday and feel like I can "trust my picker." Right now my sex drive is insane and I feel like all I want is an easy FWB relationship. But I suppose what I really should want is a good, sold, long-term relationship. Hopefully my mindset will change soon and I will find what I'm looking for when I least expect it.

A Crappy Codependent Valentines Weekend

2009-02-16T06:26:00.000-08:00

Yeah, you knew it was coming. What did you expect? I had hope but deep down I knew it wouldn't go well. I've been ill for a few weeks and working crazy hours, taking are of my kid, dealing with family crap, and still found time to do research and find some special Valentine's gifts for BECG2 (not to mention some sexy-as-hell lingerie that he ignored at night because it was too dark and left me alone in in the morning for whatever reason...). Men.

So I get in his car Friday night, put my stuff in the back of his car including a pink bag with my stuff for him. I show him the little box of chocolates and plant I got for his daughter. He says, "Oh, I haven't done anything for Valentines."

How exactly was I supposed to take that? It really, really hurt my feelings that after sitting on his ass for 10 days recovering from surgery (and he got up and biked 1.5 miles twice, drove across town to his parents' house, etc.) and getting off at noon that day, he found no time to do anything for me. So I sat there quietly and felt my eyes get hot and my face get red and just stared out the window. After we dropped my son off with my ex, he asked me what was wrong and I told him that my feelings were hurt. He turned it around on me and said, "So you're just automatically thinking the worst and assuming that I meant I wasn't doing anything at all for you? WTF?!? I can't make any comment without you turning it into some huge thing. For all you know, I was going to go out and get something this weekend. It isn't even Valentine's Day today." So that devolved into me over-explaining and back-pedaling, thinking "What just happened here?!?" and explaining how I must have misinterpreted his statement to mean that he wasn't doing anything. Ugh. He was pissed, I was hurt, it was bad. So we basically fought or didn't talk the whole two-hour drive out to pick up his daughter.

Then he told his daughter he had to stop by Kroger. He bought me flowers, a card and some candy but bitched about the cost of the flowers and didn't sign the card. He said he would do it later so I just left it next to the bed all weekend. Finally late Saturday night, I reminded him that it was by the bed. He said, "Oh, I don't really have anything to say. The card says it all. You can read it."

And that was pretty much it for me. We had sex Saturday night and then I told him that I felt like he had just gone to the store because I forced him into it (there's no winning there, is there?) and that the fact that he had no desire to sign the card made me think he really didn't care and was just saying he loved me because he thought that was what I wanted to hear.

Honestly, why couldn't he just have been content having sex and hanging out. Once he said "I love you", it changed the dynamics. But, honestly, why the fuck am I spending time with someone who cannot show me how they feel? Would it have been so hard to put two seconds of effort into something? He says he doesn't know a man who does that. Um.... Yeah, I think they are out there.

(On Sunday morning he got up and said he was going downstairs because the bathroom was out of TP. He never came back up. I was sitting there in my sexy lingerie. I thought he would come back up at least to bring me TP, considering that girls can't go to the bathroom without it. But, no, he didn't. I turned the TV on and watched a movie. He finally came up about an hour later and asked if I was going to get up and get dressed. Other than that, he pretty much ignored me all day. Then we got back to his house and he asked my son if we wanted to go hang out at the bowling alley while he bowled with friends. We went for 10 minutes. I had a beer, my son spent $5 at the arcade (which is all he wanted to do) and then we left. I haven't heard from him since.)

Things are Good

2009-01-26T05:06:00.000-08:00

Sorry I haven't updated. I've been having some medical issues and typing is hard, plus it's difficult to process all of this. Long story short, I sat down to really, really talk and listen to BECG2 and I realized that I really do like this guy, that those things I "don't like" about him are really me magnifying based on issues in my past and fear of repeating patterns. He is a good guy, a smart guy and he treats me well. I want to give this a chance and I am so glad I took the time to sit down and talk to him (and that he heard me and tried to consider my perspective). I realized that it is my own fear that causes me to stir up drama when things are going well.

Still, one conversation will not break the old habits and patterns. A good friend reminded me that both of us need to have an awareness and compassion for each other's ingrained patterns. And both of us need to be open to listen when the other acknowledges (gently) said patterns. Fortunately BECG2 mentioned the option of therapy down the road if we get to a place where we want to take it to another level. And apparently he loves me. He actually cried... Said that he was hurt when I had kind of shut him down about moving in together based on his past history and my current state. He heard me differently than I intended to communicate things. I didn't realize he saw our relationship that way. I told him that if he wants our relationship to potentially go in that direction then he needs to start with love and understanding and move from there. I also explained that, having just gotten out of an 8-year marriage, I don't plan to make any sudden moves and that as long as he can respect that and respect my need to go even slower than normal because of Brian, I am willing to explore where this could go with him. I told him that I was just scared that he was moving too fast or telling me what he thought I wanted to hear/trying to rescue me rather than saying those things out of a true desire to do them. Obviously there was miscommunication on both sides.

I'm reading the Five Love Languages and he said he would read it, too. Good start. When I met him for dinner Friday night, he brought up the book and asked to hear more about it. Then he actually LISTENED as I walked through it and seemed to understand it!!! We will see if he is receptive to it. I promised to try to tell him when he acts in a frustrated or "angry" way and I am feeling bad in the moment it happens rather than stewing over it. He promised to try to be more communicative about where he is at and what he is feeling (ha, he IS a man). We'll continue to take it day-by-day.

Wait, What?!?

2009-01-21T22:06:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure what happened with BECG2 today but it may be the end. He yelled at me for something beyond my control and also told me he loves me (in response to my response to his anger, probably a "guy move" designed to give me what he thinks I want -- sooooo the wrong move). I set my boundary and told him that I would not tolerate that unkind and disrespectful behavior. He flipped and turned it around on me and tried to twist it to make me the one in the wrong. :( I stupidly responded and tried to get him to see my perspective. Ha. Again, he twisted it to make himself the martyr and this time I blasted him. Now we are at an impasse because I know that I need to end this because the anger is not tolerable, especially if he can't see it and refuses to take responsibility. Argh.

Could use some reader help. Can you read the e-mails exchanged and tell me if I am way off base? I wouldn't usually do this but I am having such a hard time knowing if my emotions are real or if I am exaggerating things or what.

E-mail ONE (CG):
When you rage about things, such as what happened today, I feel hurt, scared and resentful, and to protect myself I need to tell you that this is unacceptable behavior that upsets me. We have discussed this before. I know you get angry but it's always over something for which there is a solution and instead of allowing me to help, you rage. There is no need to get so mad. I understand frustration but I deserve respect and kindness and talking to me like that is not respectful and I won't continue to date you if you continue to treat me this way. You are a great guy but this is a big, big issue for me in a dating partner. I took a lot of time to work on your documents last night and you could have come over to get them then or this morning. I didn't know Shirley was in my room when I left. Accidents happen. Yelling at people doesn't fix them.

E-mail TWO (BECG2):

I just read your email... And I dont get it!!!! I never yelled at you in our short conversation ealier.. I never said anything bad to you at all.. Why is it that anytime I get upset about anything, You immediately assume that I am mad and angry at something you did? I just let you know what happened.. Thats it.. I know you didnt teach your cat to feed on my resume 30 minutes before my interview.. Do you really think that I think that. It was something for me to be upset over.. Really people can be upset at things that happened and not balme someone for it. If what had happened to me today would have happened to 1000 other people, what do you think the normal rationelle would have been. Anger.!! Not mad at you.. Just mad in general that I am that Fucking snake bit that a cat would dine on the only resume's I had for an interview 30 minutes before it. I thanked you many times last night for revizing it for me.. I really do appreciate it.. It looks much better than it did.
But this issue that is so big for you that is my anger.. Is going to be a problem if you continue to react this way everytime I am mad at something. Especially since at no point was the anger directed at you.
You reacted the same way the other night when I was in horrible pain with my tooth and I pulled the drawer open that I was looking in for medicine after you closed it.. I was in total agony.. My pain was 10 out of 10 and you got mad at me for my reaction. I am sorry.. but I was at a place physically that I couldnt calmly explain to you why I wanted the drawer open that I was digging in.. I just opened it.. And I cant see how this is in anyway a disrepect to you..
Same thing today.. I told you what happened.. I was upset at my shitty luck.. And now your mad at me and telling me that your not going to continue to date me if I continue to disrespect you and treat you that way..
I am stunned.. I dont believe I have treated you badly in any way.. I was angry or in complete pain over 2 separate things, unrelated to you.. and this is somehow the way I am treating you.. I dont get that..
Are there really people out there that could have not been angry about there shity luck today.. or someone who could stay calm and explain perfectly to you that it feels like they have a rusty icepick sticking out of there jaw. I love you very much.. I like to think that we are very good together and this realtionship will work out long term, but this reaction to today and last week is not something that I want to keep happening- over nothing!!!.
I think that you are taking things and making them WAY bigger than they are. Hell.. I saw your mom get much angrier than i have been .. out in public about not getting a plain glass of ice at the snack bar of the movie theater. This was way bigger than that!!!! And all I did was tell you the "Fucking" Cat ate the work you did for me..
I am still sitting here shocked over you telling me the I disrespected you today and that I HURT you, SCARED you and made you RESENT me for it.
i guess I am clueless on how real people are supposed to function.

E-mail THREE (CG):

1) I don't think that you can see how angry you get at things or else you might be able to see it from my perspective. You throw rags, you swear at inanimate objects, you shatter phones. That is all abusive. Abusive at things, not people, but still intimidating to be around. I try not to take it personally but when it turns towards me it scares and upsets me. I am not accusing you of trying to scare me. I am telling you how I feel when you drop your pants and yell at the top of your lungs in a parking lot in front of your children or when you yank a drawer open and almost hit me with it or when you call and shoot down any apologies or solutions for a bad situation.

2) I am trying to learn how to speak up when I feel like people are violating my boundaries. Raging at me (whether you intend to direct it at me or not) is a boundary violation for me. E-mail probably isn't the best place for it but I tend to cry when I do it in person (hell, I tend to cry when I do it in e-mail). When you get mad, it does makes me feel bad, especially when it comes out of nowhere. As I explained the other night, I tried to shut the drawer because I thought you were coming towards me to run to the bathroom. I had come over to try to help you get whatever you needed out of the drawer. Today I wanted to help you but you were so angry.

3) My mother has always been like that. She is crazy. It upsets me very much with her, too. Usually my heart is racing and I get upset but, like you, if I try to tell her that she just ges more angry and acts like I'm the crazy one and that she's totally rational.

4) You love me very much? Do you realize that the most you have ever said to me along those lines is "I cannot understate how much you mean to me"? Am I supposed to have known that? Was I supposed to pick up on it somehow? Are you sending me smoke signals? Sometimes I wonder if you think that you are saying things, like thanks 10,000 times, when really you are just thinking them and not saying anything. Last night when we were talking about your documents I had to finally say, "Does it look okay? Do you like it?" before you said thanks. And I feel like I'm always doing backflips to do things for you... You probably have no idea what I am talking about because you think you are expressing yourself very well.

This e-mail probably sounds like I am super mad or super upset or something. I'm just sad and disappointed because I was soooo excited for you today and I was really hoping you would have an awesome interview. I was bummed that Shirley screwed it up and that you wouldn't allow me to help you make things right. I was frustrated that you were so upset and not able to calm down on the way to your interview.

E-mail FOUR (BECG2):

I know how angry I get.. What part of any anger I have ever had was towards you? None!! That my point I made about blowing things out of proportion. When I pulled my shorts down for 1 second.. At no point of that did I yell at the top of my lungs.. Not even remotely.. Thats out of proportion..
At no point of our conversation this morning did I shoot down any appology. I didnt have time to solve the problem.. Thats all there was to that.. It just happened to be something that couldnt be fixed. Accident happen.. I know that.. Doesnt make me not get mad. Was I really supposed to just smile and be in a wonderful happy-go-lucky? My reaction.. Was normal.. I am sorry that you freak out over any little sign of someone being angry about something.. I think that you automatically believe that the anger is towards you. No matter what kind of anger or frustration it is. I mean really..... Other than telling you that the cat "Ate" my resume.. What else did I do or say that was so over the top angry that it "Scared" you? I must be totally oblivious to it that its repressed in my subconsciences. To me... I told you what I said... I was fairly calm about it.. Yes I was frustrated.. but pretty calm..
I am sorry that me having an frustration emotion that is anger is a "Boundry" violation for you.. Honestly.. I dont know what the hell that even means.. Maybe I am not smart enough.. Who knows.. For some reason.. I dont get it.. And that frustrates me even more.. This whole thing today has frustrated me.. I dont want to walk around on egg shells afraid of saying the wrong thing or having a millimeter too much emotion towards a reaction that it scares you and crosses some line.. I really have sat back.. Went over the situations in my head.. Tried to see your point of view.. And I am lost.. I dont get it! Unless I read a bunch of complex books.. I cant figure it out.. I think my BP is up 50 points tonight because of it.. I feel like a retard because I cant see what it is I am supposed to see..
Right now.. I am going for the liquer.. and going to go and hopefully pass out.. I am tired of trying to figure it out..

E-mail FIVE (CG):
Honestly I am not certain how to respond to your e-mail. I told you how I felt, gave direct, concrete examples of when and why I felt that way and asked you to try to tone down the anger somewhat and allow me to be of help when you are in pain or frustrated or whatever. Instead of truly hearing me, you turned it around and made me the one in the wrong, basically saying I am over-emotional and "freak out" and insinuating that you somehow aren't smart enough to understand what I am talking about. Interesting.

I don't know how to be more clear. Fact: When you get "frustrated", I feel bad. You could not get as angry. I could not "freak out". Obviously we are at an impasse because I'm probably not going to stop feeling upset/scared/bothered by that behavior, especially when you will neither acknowledge nor recognize it. And as long as you can't validate my feelings, you will always think I am "over-reacting" or "freaking out." I just got out of eight years of an abusive marriage. Usually I can separate your anger/frustration against objects or situations from me but I was just trying to explain that several times, including today, I felt like I was included in it and that your reaction was extreme in proportion to the situation. Obviously you don't see it in yourself. So I don't know what else to say...

Impotent Wimp

2009-01-19T19:48:00.000-08:00

So apparently I am broken in more ways than one. I reviewed the whole BECG2 situation with my therapist, who I had not seen since Thanksgiving. We talked it out and decided that I enjoy being with him despite his weird issues. Then she asked if I could stand taking it a day at a time an dstaying with him for the next 2.5 years until I am done with school. Um, no! Crap. :( Still, I'm scared of being alone. Haven't done that in a long time and I remember how much it sucks. And he's sweet. And my wimpy ass point is why break it off if I am not ready and he doesn't care? Ugh... Yep, I suck. I know I deserve a man who adores me an is willing to show it, not one who STILL won't watch porn with me and can't make a single emotional statement (although he did call me sweetheart - swoon).

Speaking of porn, I am apparently impotent now and in DIRE need of porn. DAMN YOU, DRUGS!!! I have been in a lot of pain for the last week or so (neuropathy, fibromyalgia, blah, blah, blah) and have been trying to space out the two medications I am on (anti-seizure and SNRI) throughout the day, as each is a two-pill dose, to see if that helps the pain. Unfortunately in addition to screwing with the nerves in my arms and legs, either the pain or the drugs are apparently screwing with other nerve endings... Somehow, however, it does NOT affect the drive, just the ultimate result. After hours (and I do mean HOURS) of trying Saturday night and Sunday night with BECG2, I pulled out the big gun, super-charged it, tried for 45 more minutes and finally gave up. Fuck a duck. :( I told BECG2 he needs to bring porn into the bedroom or else I may never get off again (although this is a recent thing for me, damn drugs). He said that in 38 years he has never done that. I asked him if he was intimidated by it (if he had said yes, that might have been a dealbreaker). He said no, just that it never occurred to him. So we will see what he does and if it works. Please God let it work. Nothing like keeping your old sex drive and not being able to do anything about it. Crap.

Loving the Assclowns

2009-01-13T19:38:00.000-08:00

I'm trying to read this book on loving Assclowns and Mr. Unavailable or, as my therapist puts it, always picking narcissists. And when I say pick, I mean pick. No one ever picks me. And it is my turn to be picked, DAMN IT! I am smart. I am sweet. I have a good heart. I LIKE SEX! Geez, what more could a guy want?

BECG2 still hasn't watched porn with me. :( He asked me to move in with him, though (Holy Farking Schnit - I said no). And the closest he has come to any declaration of emotion is "I cannot understate how much you mean to me and what an important role you are playing in my life." Um... okay? But he has an anger problem, damn it. And honestly that's a dealbreaker. I can enjoy sleeping with him, going to movies, hanging out, etc., but I will not be longterm with someone who has rage issues. I'd noticed it for a while but it got worse over Christmas. On New Year's Eve he changed into shorts before we went to a Dave & Busters-type place but had forgotten his belt. I said, "Aww, do you really have to go home and get it?" trying to be sympathetic because it wasn't close to his house. He DROPPED HIS PANTS in the middle of the parking lot and screamed "Yes!!! Unless you want me to walk around freaking naked all night." Okay, you three year-old. Enjoy your tantrum.

Then the other week he was working on my car and couldn't find what he needed so he threw his toolbox across the room. Final straw was this weekend. He hurt himself and went into the kitchen to get something out of a drawer to help but he was in so much pain. I asked if I could help. He moved towards me and I thought he was going to pas by. So I shut the drawer. Big mistake. He yanked it back open and yelled at me that he was looking for something. I walked away. Later than night I confronted him and set my boundary (yay me): "BECG2, I am always kind to you. Your actions tonight were unkind and disrespectful and I don't want you to do that ever again." His response, "Oh, so when I'm in pain I'm supposed to take time out to be kind?!?" Um... gee...

So I was backing off a bit while continuing to enjoy his company on a casual basis. Set the boundary that I would NOT be living with anyone unless we were in love, headed for marriage, etc., for BeBop's sake. Set the boundary that anger/rages are not acceptable. Forgot to set the "don't cheat on me" boundary. I'm not certain it's been crossed but...

This weekend BECG2 let me use his computer to write a blog post for my other blog. I was switching between pages regularly. When I went to pull up the drop down menu to go back to a page I'd accidentally shut, the history showed free P*rn sites. That's all fine and good (hell, you know me). But it also showed Craigslist Erotic Classifieds. I guess I need to just come out and ask him but do you think someone looks at those just to get off or do you think the only reason someone would look at those is to hire someone for services? I have been pretty depressed ever since and kind of unable to snap out of the funk. Hell, I'm practically begging him for sex and asking him to watch porn and here he is online wasting hours when he could have the real thing. Makes a girl feel pretty insecure about herself. Sure, I know, all guys look at that stuff. But when he crosses from hot babes dot com to real live service ads for pros in our town, that has me concerned. :( What is wrong with me?

The Hard Discussions

2008-12-28T21:29:00.000-08:00

So those of you who read my other blog know that this is where I talk about the raw feelings and that I discuss BECG2 in a more positive light on the other one. Both are honest, but this blog has more of the anxiety I feel that I fear expressing (partially because he reads the other blog). That said, in an attempt to be real and work on my codepenency issues, I have been trying incredibly hard to be truthful with him and tell him when I feel resentful or like a boundary has been violated.

Tonight we had one of those conversations. He keeps doing this thing where he will promise to do something like call or come over or whatever and then, for various reasons, it doesn't come to pass. This is never at my request but always initiated by him. But once promised I get my hopes up and then I get let down when it doesn't happen. It happened again last night when he promised to call at midnight to wish me happy birthday since he had to leave my party early and then he never called. He also didn't call again until almost noon and then didn't even mention the day. :( After I confronted him tonight and told him how I felt about it (especially because I had told him calling wasn't necessary but he insisted/made a huge deal about doing it), he said that he had texted me and it must never have gone through. Hmmm.

THEN, as I'm leaning in my car, he says, "We need to get a place together so you won't have to go home." WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!? HOLY FARKING SCHNIT. I actually said (okay, perhaps I screeched) "What?!?!" and then I said it again for good measure. My initial response was, "Wow, that's a discussion for another time." Then I basically said, "Look, BECG2, I like you a lot and I'm having a great time with you but on some things I am feeling disappointed and I don't know whether that's an issue with me or with you or with both of us but I need time to figure that out. And most importantly, BeBop has had a lot of changes this year and so have I. I don't want to disrupt him more and I don't know that I trust myself to make any important decisions until I can figure out whether I'm making them in the best interest of BeBop and myself or because it makes me happy in the short-term."

What a hard conversation... BECG2 took it really well and kept saying, "You mean so much to me. There is no way for me to understate how much." And I, of course, kept trying to explain to him what a mess I am right now. Geez. I don't know how I feel. What I do know is that I need to get my ass into my therapist, who I have not seen for almost a month now thanks to school and work insanity, and also need to dive back into some of these self-help books so I can stop feeling so anxious all the time.

We won't even get into my ex-husband and the fact that I may need to go back to court to remove his visitation or, worse, that he may go to jail within the next few weeks. (

Lonely

2008-12-26T20:20:00.000-08:00

School is over, I'm off work, the holiday rush of the past few days has passed and now I'm alone. And I want to cry. And I want to climb the walls. I just realized something. After 9 years with the X smothering me to the point where my whole life revolved around him because any interest in others made him mad, I have no idea what to do with myself when I am alone. It is such an uncomfortable feeling! I try to read but my mind is just constantly racing with thoughts of all the things I have to worry about. X has left the country again and is doing some bad, bad, BAD things and I am super-stressed about that but trying to remember that I can only control myself and my actions, not him or others.

What is driving me especially nuts is that BECG2 is having a boys weekend with his brother and cousins, which is awesome (he will take time out for my birthday party tomorrow night), but I am losing it. I keep wanting to text him or call him. WTF?!?! What is wrong with me? Am I seriously THAT dependent on him that I cannot leave him alone for 5 minutes? Geez!!! And I do the same thing with my son. If I'm not on the Internet or with BECG2, I want to be with Bebop and I want him to play games or watch DVDs or read books, which is all fine and well except then his playmate comes over and he goes to play with her and I feel bereft. Again, WTF?!?! Open dictionary, turn to Codependent, see my picture. Shit.

Teary

2008-12-13T10:42:00.000-08:00

So I was honest with BECG2 last night. Told him I was feeling really bummed and resentful that he had said he was coming over, I'd fought with Pumpkinhead to get him down in his own bed (he usually spends Fridays in mine) and then showered and gotten all prepped for him to come over only to have him cancel. He was upset that I was upset because he had ton of stuff to get done for a Christmas party tonight (he is the photographer and it is his first pro gig in several years). We finally signed off and I thought we'd left it at kind of a peaceful resolution. But it's almost 1 p.m. and he hasn't called me.

I sent him an e-mail this morning saying that while I'm sorry if he thought I was over-reacting last night, I'm not sorry I told him how I felt. That is sooooo hard for me but I do not ever want to come out of a relationship again and hear a guy say, "Huh? Why didn't you ever tell me you were so upset about [blank]?" and feel like I was blindsided. I always thought I was clear. So now I'm trying to be CRYSTAL CLEAR. Then he can't say I didn't tell him.

But, seriously, am I out of line to feel like he should have called this morning? My heart hurts. And I want it to stop!!!!

Not Tempting Enough...

2008-12-12T20:59:00.000-08:00

He just called. He's "busy". Working on his computer. And it's cold outside. I've had a crap week. I just fought with my son to sleep in his own bed even though he normally sleeps in mine on Friday nights because, damn it, I thought I was going to get some. FUCK. I hate men sometimes.

What part of naked don't you understand?

2008-12-12T20:53:00.000-08:00

So it's 11 p.m. At 10:24 p.m., I sent BECG2 the following text message:

Just stepped out of the shower. My skin is steamy and flushed and hot and... well... wet. Any ideas on how I might remedy the situation?

The man lives 10 minutes away. Harumph.

Wow...

2008-12-04T20:37:00.000-08:00

Ms. Single Mama wrote a post today that really spoke to me. She said that she keeps feeling like something is missing in her new relationship and it turns out to be drama, disrespect, etc. -- basically, the bad boy factor.

She said:

“I’m not all giddy, crazy, head in the clouds in love with him like I normally am with men. Instead we’re just slowly developing this deep friendship and I feel very calm.”

“That’s okay. It’s normal and very adult. You just need to re-learn some things, re-learn how you see things and feel things, that’s all. We can fix this kiddo!”

I TOTALLY got this! I think I'm realizing more and more that a lot of my relationship issues come from MY reaction to what I think the person should be doing based on my imprinting not based on any realistic understanding of who they are. Now I am NOT saying that BECG2 is "the one" or that we have a future. But I need to stop sabotaging the fun time we are having because something is missing. He is kind to me. He makes me laugh. I really enjoy sex with him. So I need to QUIT the racing mind "what is missing? what is missing? what is missing?", at least for right now.

So little time

2008-11-30T17:55:00.000-08:00

I am soooo sick. Darn cold. Came on last night and is kicking my butt today. My nose won't stop running so I am now sporting chapped cheeks and a pile of coffee table tissues. I am trying to be productive and it just isn't working out.

I had to spend an hour with X today. It was sooooo unpleasant because I was just pissed that I had to be there and he was like, "WTF is up your butt?" The salesperson said, "okay, you two, this isn't divorce court."

Then I got a lecture at my Divorce group today about how sex can only be truly special and spiritual within the confines of marriage. Whatever. I pled the Fifth since I knew I was in a grouchy mood and then finally spoke up and said, "Look, this whole "masturbation is the devil's tempting you thing" just seems wrong. I don't appreciate the video shaming women into feeling bad about their normal sexual needs. God made us to seek companionship. For those women who choose to keep sex within marriage, I don't see any problem with masturbation (or porn - but I didn't say that." Geez.

Then a woman who just got out of a 30-year marriage with a man who is porn and hooker addicted said, "But what if you wait until the wedding night and the man is no good?" Then she wailed, "I just cannot do that again!!!" LOL.

For those of you who plan to join me in hell (lol), Babeland is offering 10% off any product with the promo code "Secret" as well as free shipping for orders over $50 and a 25% off sale on customer favorites.

The Sweetest Christmas Gift

2008-11-24T19:05:00.000-08:00

Do you have a newly divorced friend, a spouse or a significant other out there who could use a little holiday cheer? After my divorce, I went out looking for some information and products to help me get through the lonely nights. For years I'd either visited local stores or Good Vibrations. Then I found Babeland. With its clean, easy-to-navigate web site, instructional guides and product reviews, it was exactly what I was looking for! And, bonus, they have lots of sales and are typically cheaper than Good Vibes (and less cheesy than the local stores). I have purchased a Gigi, a WeVibe and an awesome lube and have been exceptionally pleased with the whole purchase experience. I called them to order the GiGi and the sales people were excellent - very knowledgeable. So go pick up one of the gift sets, a gift card or a special toy for your friend/spouse/SO today!

Matt, Liz & Madeline Logelin Charity Gift Registry

2008-11-24T18:59:00.000-08:00

Since I'm feeling in such a funk and have nothing nice to say (except, I wanted to take this opportunity to encourage you all to give to Matt Logelin's chosen charity, My Stuff Bag Foundation.

SingleMindedWomen.com and the Matt Logelin family have created this charity gift registry for the My Stuff Bag Foundation, which provides clothing, toys and necessary items for abused, neglected and abandoned children (newborns - 18 yrs.) throughout the United States.

I sent a big batch of kids items to My Stuff direct from Amazon last week. It's amazing how many inexpensive deals they have to get the most bang for your buck. Click through my Amazon link at right to give me some love and go purchase stuff for these kids today! Oh, and don't forget underwear and toiletries - basic necessities that often get forgotten.

What is wrong with me?

2008-11-24T14:30:00.000-08:00

I've been home all day. My whole body hurts. I cannot seem to move to get anything done. I have a report due and my project partner is waiting on it. We have to present tomorrow. I told him I'd have it for him last night. I have read but have not written a word. It is 4:30.

BECG2 called this morning. Said nothing about last night. Has not read my e-mail. Was off today and I haven't seen his face. I want to not care. I want to be able to get things done. I just feel so blah.

Stupid Men

2008-11-23T21:26:00.000-08:00

I just had a little fight with BECG2. He is really, really, REALLY bad about communicating his feelings. He rarely e-mails, you won't see him sending me Facebook messages and, if he reads my blog, it's only for maybe a minute. I need communication. We have had many, many, MANY discussions about this. I sent him something funny tonight and then when we IM'd, I asked him if he liked it cause he didn't e-mail back. He said sure, which made me think he'd just disregarded it. I said "Well my blog readers seemed to think it was funny." He responded, "Do you want me to read and respond to EVERY post?!?" I said, "No, of course not. What I do want, however, is for you to respond to the occasional e-mail of mine. Doesn't have to be long, doesn't have to say a lot, I just like to know you are thinking about me." He said, "I don't know what you want me to say." I told him to just go to bed and let me work. Then I sent him a link to this and told him to look at #10. Then, when he didn't respond, I told him to also look at #s 14, 25, 32, 39, 44, 46, 49 and 50. About 30 seconds later he signed off Yahoo with no further discussion. ACK!!!! MEN!!! How fucking hard is it to just say, "Hey baby, thinking about you." Am I asking too much here?

Mmm and Codependent Giving

2008-11-22T15:14:00.000-08:00

BECG2 just called me sweetheart. My heart melted. I am sooooo up and down in this relationship. It is probably just me and my depression. He really is a great guy. I was all stressed about this work project that was sucking up all my time and he came up with a great solution that made it go 10x faster. He is really good at seeing things clearly and rationally. Last night we went to the movies and then home for some sex. It was really nice but I tried to get him to say SOMETHING just a little hot and he just doesn't seem to have it in him. I teased him a bit and he said, "I have a 'bad boy' mind, just not a 'bad boy' vocabulary." Bummer. :( I'll keep working on him. Want him to show me some of his porn but he's just not quite there yet. Sigh...

In other news, I made a seriously codependent move today. Now I am rationalizing it as a smart investment but part of my brain goes, "You big needy fixing dummy!" I lent BECG2 all of my insurance reimbursement check from my recently stolen vehicle contents so that he could buy a professional camera and restart his side photography business. Don't scream. I did make him sign a promissory note. And he has worked professionally in photography in the past but had a ton of equipment stolen right after he closed his business and, because it was at his home and not at his company and he hadn't yet listed the items, it wasn't covered under homeowners. UGH. Anyway, he is an excellent photographer and it was only $1,800. Okay, it was $1,800 I could have used. But I honestly think he is going to find a ton of people to shoot. I have many contacts and he really is good with kids and people generally. Still, codependent. Hope I don't kick myself hard for this one. I know, I know, I know...

Shit

2008-11-20T06:33:00.000-08:00

Overslept. Missed BeBop's therapy session. Got a lecture/guilt trip from the doctor. Talked her out of charging me $140 for missing. Thank God! On my way to work, late, sure to get shit from my boss. Webcam guy texted me this morning telling me to have a blessed day. I am having a stress-induced hypersexual day and wish he wasn't on his friend kick. Sigh... If only BEcG2 had texting abilities. But all he would say is probably "hey babe.". Nothing inspirational. Oh well. Looks like I am in for a late night at work anyway so I may as well throw this energy/frustration into that. Becg2 came over yesterday afternoon while I was working from home to drop off something I needed. The ex would never have passed up a kid-free afternoon with my bed mere feet away to at least have a quickie if nothing else. BECG2 just gave me a quick kiss and left. I know, I could have asked for it. I tried giving him a sensual hug to see if he would take it to the next level but no dice. I hate being the one who initiates all the time. Makes me feel undesirable.

I did go on that date last Thursday night. Ended very badly with my car getting broken into. And the guy was nice enough but there were zero sparks. Darn. I really like BECG2 but the sex drive thing is a huge problem. And I am damn needy right now so his inability to express his emotions drives me crazy.

Okay, vent post over.
Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone with SprintSpeed

Relationship ADD

2008-11-19T20:40:00.000-08:00

I am reading a book called "101 Things I Learned After My Divorce" by Tomi Tuel. Tuel describes a phenomenon known as Relationship ADD, which is where your benchmark for love is off-center after loving and healing the wrong way. Questions to ask yourself include:

1) Do you accuse your current love for no appropriate reason of having the same failings as your former spouse?
2) Do you scare off potential partners with the sordid details of your crazy ex?
3) Do you reveal too much about your vindictive tendencies?
4) Do you openly make derogatory statements about the opposite sex to the opposite sex?
5) Do you list the happiest day of your life as the day your husband hit rock bottom?
6) Do you make it a practice to have sex with more than one person?
7) Do you practice ABC method of dating? A is #1, B is #2, C is #3. A doesn't know about B and C; B knows about A but not C and so on.
8) Do you need a sex buddy in your life regardless of your interest in that person?
9) Do you pick someone to have a relationship with based solely on the charge you feel with them?
10) Do you lose interest in your sex partner after 6 weeks?
11) Do you consider two weeks between relationships as ample time for closure?
12) Do you think dressing for the occasion means dressing so that you can undress onstage later that night?
13) Do you secretly want to be a porn star?
14) Do you think if you tell everyone how great you are over and over, they will eventually believe it?
15) Do you want a new boat and plan to name it Babe Magnet or Midlife Crisis?

Needy

2008-11-19T20:32:00.000-08:00

This is how I feel with BECG2. Frustrating. He lets me cry on his shoulder and is a comforting force but he doesn't do the reassuring part and that is sooooo hard for me. Why am I so damn needy?

This woman who takes on the world
And picks up your shirts, keeps it together somehow
This same woman that melts with your touch
Wants you to feel what I'm feeling right now

'Cause this woman needs
A safe place to land
The strength in your hands
To know you know
What this woman needs
Is somewhere to cry
So lay by my side
And I'll tell you, I'll tell you

This woman needs to be reassured
That my heart's your home, and love is what wills you to stay
I need you to see me in every light
And hear that you still think I'm beautiful anyway

Codependency Scale

2008-11-18T19:55:00.000-08:00

Stealing from Goin-Crazy's post about codependency to evaluate myself for a bit

The Spann-Fischer Codependency Scale

Read the following statements and place the number in the spaces provided that best describes you according to the following list: 1 Strongly Disagree; 2 Moderately Disagree; 3 Slightly Disagree; 4 Slightly Agree; 5 Moderately Agree; 6 Strongly Agree.

1. It is hard for me to make decisions. 1 - Strongly Disagree

2. It is hard for me to say "no." 6 - Strongly Agree

3. It is hard for me to accept compliments graciously. 3 - Slightly Disagree

4. Sometimes I almost feel bored or empty if I don't have problems to focus on. 5 - Moderately Agree

5. I usually do not do things for other people that they are capable of doing for themselves. 6 - Strongly Agree

6. When I do something nice for myself I usually feel guilty. 2- Moderately Disagree

7. I do not worry very much. 1 - Strongly Disagree

8. I tell myself that things will get better when the people in my life change what they are doing. 5 - Moderately Agree

9. I seem to have relationships where I am always there for them but they are rarely there for me. 6 - STRONGLY AGREE

10. Sometimes I get focused on one person to the extent of neglecting other relationships and responsibilities. 5 - Moderately Agree

11. I seem to get into relationships that are painful for me. 6 - Strongly Agree

12. I don't usually let others see the "real" me. 4 - Slightly Agree

13. When someone upsets me I will hold it in for a long time, but once in a while I explode. 5 - Moderately Agree

14. I will usually go to any lengths to avoid open conflict. 6 - STRONGLY AGREE

15. I often have a sense of dread or impending doom. 5 - Moderately Agree

16. I often put the needs of others ahead of my own. 6 - Strongly Agree

Orgasm Therapy

2008-11-18T15:31:00.001-08:00

I have had a shitstorm of a year. All of which came to a head last week in a huge way. After a few days of trying to sort things out, things are looking a bit better but I was still tied in knots and feeling sick to my stomach. So yesterday I decided to engage in a little orgasm therapy. Took the day off from my Cymbalta (okay, so that was an accident but I am definitely going to try it again sometime because that crap doesn't kill my super-strong drive, just reduces sensation - female ED).

Anyway, I got BECG2 in the mood by taking him to Frys to help me pick out a replacement camera for my stolen one. When we got home, he was on fire. Almost took me right there against the wall in his living room before the dog started barking and broke the mood. He dragged me to his room, threw me down on the bed and gave me one of those kisses that makes every nerve ending stand up and scream for more. I spent a good long time enjoying his deliciousness and then hopped on top so that I could take some for me. OMG, I have never been with a guy who has hit my g-spot like that with only his member. Surprises me every time he is inside me. Mmmm.

So I got mine (and then some) and then we lay in bed talking for almost an hour. Usually he is pretty exhausted by that time of night but the next thing we knew it was 1130. He walked me to my car and gave me another toe-curling kiss goodbye. Well his sex drive is much lower than mine. He can usually only go once whereas one orgasm just gets me energized and ready for more. I went home and got online. Started reading the Best Sex Bloggers blog and, next thing I knew, I was ready to go again. Took out the Gigi and the We-Vibe along with the warming lube and took it nice and slow. Holy crap, did I come hard and wet. By then it was 115 and I collapsed into my pillows with a highly contented sigh. Woke up this morning with my stomach far less knotted, ready to face the day. And wanting more.

Bottom line: orgasm therapy is a great stress reliever. Getcha some.

Now if I could just find a male sex slave to be at my beck and call since BECG2 can't work it right now until his medical issues are resolved and my webcam buddy decided he needed to stop engaging in "sinful" activities and return to God. Oh and BECG1, with the HellaGood G-spot finger move lives too far away, is off seeing his daughter every other weekend, and has worse potency issues than BECG2. Sigh...
Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone with SprintSpeed

Damn it all

2008-11-12T20:18:00.000-08:00

Up, down, up, down. I spent all day yesterday crying. Then I summoned up my courage and went to BCEG2 and told him that I think I need to be alone because I am seriously broken right now and unsure of who I am and what I want. He talked me out of it. He really can be very sensible and sweet. He held me and let me cry. Even gave me his winter hat to blow my nose into. LOL. So I left feeling a lot better, went home, took the first anti-anxiety pill in 9 months and slept like a baby. Before I went to bed, he called and said he was going to come sleep over tonight.

Tonight rolls around and he has a toothache. Again. It's always either his kidneys (stones) or teeth. Yes, I realize these are legitimate complaints. But WTF?!? He couldn't come over and sleep here? Be miserable next to me? :( I know, I know, he's trying to spare me the misery. But I hate the up/down cycle we are in. He can be super-sweet one minute and extremely self-absorbed the next. And then I question whether it is really self-absorption or whether I am judging him by my codependent standards. Just because I would drop everything for anyone in need doesn't mean he should. Still...

I have a date tomorrow night. Man with the same name as my uncle and grandfather. He asked me out a few weeks back and I put it off. Then, when I was feeling funky with BECG2, I said yes. Now I feel obligated to go but I'm not sure how I feel about it in terms of BECG2. My heart says we aren't destined for lifelong love and that I really need to be on my own sometime. It also says I need friends right now. My head says, "Go girl! You deserve to be appreciated." So I have a new sexy dress and I am going, damn it. Won't sleep with him or anything but I can certainly enjoy a night of greek food and (hopefully) good conversation, right?

Meltdown

2008-11-11T12:01:00.000-08:00

I had one today. Felt so low all morning. Got to my therapist's office at 11 a.m. only to find the doors locked and no one at home. Started crying and didn't stop for 20 minutes. Went to CVS for chocolate and Monistat (yep, having a FANTASTIC week). Therapist called to see if I could come right then to see her so I turned around and went. Spent 30 minutes wailing in her office about how overwhelmed, in pain (neuropathy sucks!) and generally bummed I am right now. Now I'm back at work and, again, just completely down and out of it. :( And I cannot find my fucking phone now!*(&^! This after I lost it last week and had to file a police report and get a replacement. Another one arrived today. I am soooooo depressed. I have class today and don't know if I can even face that. I just want to lay down and cry.

Down

2008-11-09T19:27:00.000-08:00

Sorry I haven't been posting here as much as I was. I've had a crazy few weeks at work and in life and am just not sure what to say. Today my divorce recovery group talked about dating (or not). I really, really need to end things with BECG2 if I'm ever going to be able to get to know myself as a single person. I dated people fairly consistently from 17 - 20, at which point I met my husband. We were married when I was 21 and divorced shortly after I turned 29. I do not know who I am outside a relationship. I probably need to figure that out.

And quite frankly BECG2 is just not a great match for me. Sure, I enjoy the sex (although I sure do miss my ex-husband's oral skills and generosity in bed!) and he is a very kind, comforting, stable presence in my life. But he has an angry streak. And he is quite selfish and uncommunicative. And he is going through a lot right now at work and medically that makes him not able to be "all there" for me. But how do I tell him that I want to end things without hurting him? Can we stay friends (probably not)? Will I have a total breakdown if this ends and I no longer have that comfort to turn to? Ugh.

Going to keep praying on it. One of the things that was a big issue in my marriage is that my ex-husband wouldn't let me go to our local Episcopal church, or any church for that matter. I'm really trying to reconnect with that and listen to the voice that keeps calling me back there. I feel like God is trying to help me right now and I want to take notice. But I need strength.

Hiding out

2008-10-29T06:41:00.001-07:00

Becg2 and I had a good talk. I feel happier about being in the now.

In other news, my father continues to blindside us. He is bioplar.
After years of responsibility, he has suddenly cracked up and is no
longer the man I knew. He has spent months getting up and dressed for
work and hiding at the library. When we figured it out, he got help
and medication, worked things out with his job, etc. We thought he
was getting better. This morning he left at 630. At 815, after
dropping my son off at school, my mother went to the bagel place and
guess who was in front of her in line? You guessed it. :(

--
Sent from my mobile device

Head, Meet Wall

2008-10-26T21:37:00.000-07:00

It is 11:45 p.m., I am home from a long weekend away with BECG2 and I am ready to scream and cry simultaneously. The town was beautiful. We laughed, talked, enjoyed the sights, and it was peaceful and lovely. But, other than Saturday night, we were just "off." And I don't know what to do about it. Do I have to fix it? Can I just be in the moment, enjoy his company and not try to over-analyze or make it better? I just want to scream right now.

We had a long talk this morning about what I need (and don't). Every man I have ever been with has cheated. Or at least found someone better. And it makes me a bit crazy. Right now I'm in this really unpleasant hypersexual, weepy, unbalanced place. I have a drive to rival a man's and a heart that is as tender as any woman's. Only wine/beer and sex make my pain go away right now. Any slight rejection (or perceived rejection) sends me into a tailspin. BECG2 is very sensible, understanding and sweet. But not romantic, not very good at expressing emotion, etc. He has told me this. My head understands it; my heart takes every "no thanks, not in the mood" as a direct blow. He has some medical issues that are interfering. Again, head understands; heart says "It's you. He doesn't want you. No matter how much lace you wear and things you try, you will never be enough." Crazy. I am a great girl. Why does my head fuck with me like this?

He also has a bit of an angry streak. Not towards people but he just gets grouchy when things don't go the way he thinks they should. So tonight after we got off the plane, he was going to come over and let me mess with him for a bit and then take his dog (who my mother was dogsitting) and head home. Instead, I asked him a question at the airport, he bit my head off, I took it personally and that was it. The mood was broken, I was pissed and I think he knew it. Perhaps not. Right now I don't care. I know he's not "The One" so how do I enjoy the good things about him and the things he can offer me right now and not blow things out of proportion? It's time for bed before I kick something.

Signs of the times

2008-10-23T05:56:00.001-07:00

The economy must truly suck. Whereas there is usually a super-long
line, for the past week or two there has been almost no wait at my
local starbucks drivethrough.

Last night we had to take bebop to the emergency room after he started
wailing at karate about severe stomach pains. He cried for two hours,
threw up some nasty green thick stuff and then felt better. Lab work
came back fine so we are watching him. $100 for that.

Today I will re-enroll in my hmo. Going to cost 10% coinsurance now
for x-rays and such. Better than the 20% the ppo charges for a sicko
like me, but still!

--
Sent from my mobile device

Mmmm

2008-10-22T06:26:00.001-07:00

I have been in a good mood this week, bouyed by my newfound ability to
set some boundaries with X. He is not testing them too hard, mind
you. When he does, that will be the real challenge. I also need to
work on not letting him irritate me. That gives him too much power..

Last night I worked some of that irritation off with BECG2. Fun.
Trying to come up with a sexy outfit so I can surprise him when I get
to the hotel friday night but I may just go with lace panties, bra and
thigh-highs under a dress. I can't help but feeling a little anxious
over this weekend. I have seen a few tiny glimpses of Becg2s romantic
side but it really isn't like him to be mushy. I like mush. I think
he knows that. So we will see. I don't want to have to ask for it
because then it is forced. If he can't do it naturally, then I will
just enjoy this pasatiempo and keep my eyes open for a man who can
give me what I need instead of just basking in the afterglow of, as he
calls it, my "mad skillz".

--
Sent from my mobile device

Random Thoughts

2008-10-19T19:40:00.000-07:00

1) I am sooooo sad for T. :( I am actually literally feeling down about this. Shed some tears. She deserves a great, great man. On the bright side, at least she had the hot sex.

2) Speaking of hot sex, I picked up Doc Johnson's Kisserthis week and tried it out today with BECG2. OMFG!!!! Such an awesome partner sex toy. Flexible, fits perfectly and the nubs help it stay still so it won't move. Fantastic sex.

3) Damn, my tattoo itches right now. ARGH, not touching it is killing me.

4) I was very honest with BECG2 today about several things. I was quite proud of myself for just stating my feelings and not needing a response or taking anything he said in the wrong way. Maybe I'm growing a bit?

Meditation for Saturday, October 18

2008-10-18T08:51:00.001-07:00

Today, I will stop clinging to the painful lessons of the past. I will open myself to the positive lessons today and tomorrow hold for me. I trust that I can and will take care of myself now. I trust that the Plan is good, even when I don't know what it is.

Happy

2008-10-18T08:48:00.000-07:00

Went with BECG2 last night to pick up his daughter. She is such a sweet girl. On the way, Bebop slept and BECG2 and I planned a romantic weekend in California in an old gold mining town with apple orchards, lakes, etc. We're going to stay at a Bed and Breakfast and just walk around the town. I am so excited. :) Now I just have to get through this weekend, with X's return and a ton of things on my plate personally and professionally.

Wrong

2008-10-15T06:08:00.001-07:00

BECG2 finally IM'd me last night. It is a small thing but it makes me
feel good that he remembered.

This week has been insanely busy so far. I can't believe it is only
Wednesday! I honestly haven't had time to feel anxious about X's
return. I'm sure it would be there if I allowed myself to think about
it. I need to wear a snap bracelet and snap myself every time he
reacts to something. Must remember that the only emotions I can
control are my own. There are several things he may flip out over,
like garnished wages for back child support, a scratch on his truck,
the fact that his grill mysteriously "disappeared", and, most
importantly, the "shit sandwich" (BECG2's term) of my new
relationship. May snap my wrist skin into a bloody pulp....

--
Sent from my mobile device

Daily meditation - October 15

2008-10-15T05:55:00.001-07:00

Today I will get peaceful first and let my work and life emerge from that base.
****
Just as your earthly house is a place of refuge, Gods house is a place
of peace. Gods house has never been plundered; his walls have never
been breached.

--
Sent from my mobile device

Empty

2008-10-14T21:29:00.000-07:00

Darn wine bottles with thick innards. I thought I had a full glass left but, no, barely 1/3 of a glass. Darn it!!

Went to watch BECG2 bowl in his league. He said to hop on IM when I got home because he was going to send me something. It's almost midnight. Nada. Sigh... That's okay, he had a guy over looking to rent one of his rooms so maybe he's tied up with that. In a good mood today. Not letting things get me down. ;)

Loong night!

2008-10-14T18:39:00.001-07:00

Work crisis at 4, had to cancel uncancellable plans. Crisis kept
snowballing and I am just leaving at 9. Yawn!

Progress, though. Becg2 sent me a sweet "hey sexy" Im around 6 that
cheered me and I put my foot down and left work midday for therapy.
Good session!

--
Sent from my mobile device

Today's Meditation

2008-10-14T04:37:00.000-07:00

Today, I will trust that I will receive all I need to get me through today. I will trust that the same shall happen tomorrow.

We-Vibe Initial Review

2008-10-12T19:02:00.000-07:00

So I tried the We-Vibe with BECG2 and it was pretty nice albeit a bit awkward. I think the key is to move a lot and try to forget it's there. The friction is important. The other thing is that we couldn't quite figure out which side should be up. BECG2 did say that he thought it made him last longer, which he liked. Anyway, we tried it the night before I got my period a freaking week early (damn stress!) so we will try again when I'm in a better spot in my cycle.

I did, however, try it again alone today along with my Gigi vibe and a visit to For the Girls for a little inspiration. Holy crap! May not need a man for a while now... ;)

I'll get back to you all on the We-Vibe with a partner once I try it again.

Chemistry

2008-10-12T18:59:00.000-07:00

So this guy expressed interest on Chemistry.com. I bit. Sent two questions, as did he. His response to my question about jobs you wish you had tried included Porn Star. I sent him an e-mail, laughing, and jokingly responded that I always thought I should be a sex therapist. So then he sends me an e-mail saying "You seem down-to-earth, direct and honest. You don't seem like a stalker type so here's my number. Call me." Ummm... He's hot and could be good for sex but you'd think if he was interested in more, he'd have conversed more. And I'm not really into calling guys. Hate when they do that. So not sure what to do next.

Today's my last day on Match.com. All of a sudden everyone and their mother is winking at me!! WTH?!? I think Match must send covert operates in to make that happen. LOL.

Divorce Recovery Books

2008-10-12T16:25:00.000-07:00

After our respective divorce support groups this morning, Bebop and I went to Barnes and Noble to get books. We must have both been feeling a God connection today. Bebop picked out a children's Bible stories book and brought it to me, asking to buy it. I'm glad because the one I have from when I was little is freaking scary!!! This one is much more age-appropriate. I picked up a book called Boundarieswhich focuses on "When to say yes, how to say no to take control of your life." This is a skill I really need to work on. I get that I'm Codependent and have no boundaries. What I don't get (Really!) is how to set them. I've read about half the book this afternoon and it is very, very good.

I also purchased Grace for the Moment by Max Lucado. I've been looking for some short daily meditations and Lucado has always spoken to me. We are not actively attending church but I'm trying to go with the idea that faith should be my center so that I'm not as rocked by life events. Finally, I purchased a second meditation book by Melody Beattie, The Language of Letting Go Hopefully the two books can provide some centering to my day and encourage me to start journaling so that I can "sit with my feelings", as my therapist recommends.

Bebop did get some fun books. He discovered SkippyJon Jones, about a Siamese cat who thinks he is a Chihuahua. It's a hilarious Spanglish book. LOL. He also got Froggy's Halloween. He has adored Froggy ever since we read Froggy Rides a Bike when he got his first bicycle last year. One of the words for fart in Spanish is "pedo" so we'd say the line "Froggy pedaled really hard" and Bebop would just roll with laughter.

Sunday reflections

2008-10-12T16:10:00.000-07:00

Spent the night with BECG2 last night. Bebop and I went over for dinner and then Bebop went down in BECG2's daughter's room. BECG2 and I watched Baby Mama and then both fell asleep, exhausted, around 2 a.m. No sex, just sleep.

This morning we talked about depression at my divorce support group. It was the first session where I haven't cried, probably because I'm too numb. My primary care physician is upping my anti-depressant this week so hopefully I will be nice and medicated by the time X returns next week.

Just another weekend

2008-10-11T07:23:00.001-07:00

Bebop and I had a good night. Went to a local Italian place where he had spaghetti and meatballs and I had lasagna. He was being a goofball and putting the red napkin on his head so I tied it on his head and took pictures of him. He looked like a little old Russian woman. LOL.

BECG2 didn't call last night (too busy working on his computer). He did, however, send me an IM around 2 a.m. to see if I was still awake. Okay... Then he e-mailed me just to say he was thinking of me. I say he was bored waiting for whatever process to finish on his computer. Or he was looking at my naughty pic. ;) Either way, I just want him to send me a nice, friendly e-mail in the middle of the day. In his "hi" e-mail, he responded to the excited e-mail I sent yesterday but didn't say word one abut the thing I was excited about. Argh.

Okay, off to a petting zoo and musical show with Bebop and my mother. Should be a fun day!

Processing

2008-10-10T15:45:00.001-07:00

So my heart says I want to hang out with bebop tonight. The needy
part of me says to invite BECG2. So I do. And his response is that
he is busy working on a project but do bebop and I want to watch a
movie at his house. Fortunately Good Mom interjects herself into my
clingy/needy psyche and I hear myself saying, "no, he had a hard day
at school and I need to keep him on schedule. He won't sleep at your
house."

Good mom. And I really do want to spend time with B. But I have this
underlying panicked need to do what BECG2 wants. It was easy to do
this crap when I was with X "oh, we have to do what daddy says.". But
it is hard to recognixe and accept here that BECG2 is not guilting me
or trying to control. No, he accepted me no with a smile and a no
problem. I think my heart may prefer having the decision taken out of
my hands. How totally fucked up am I? Okay, I guess it is time to
actually read more than chapter one of the codependency books my
therapist made me buy.
On the plus side, at least I recognixe it. I was feeling angry at
BECG2 for a few minutes there for not wanting to eat with us. Then I
"sat with the emotion" and realized it was all about me and not at all
about reality.

--
Sent from my mobile device

Why do I care?

2008-10-10T14:31:00.001-07:00

Yes, I am a crazy girl. I sent BECG2 an email telling him some
exciting news then called him to tell him I had emailed. I was giddy
and couldn't wait to hear his reaction. He said he would check in a
bit after cleaning the kitchen. That was four hours ago and nothing.
Tell me why do I care? I am seriously considering batting for the
other team. We may be bitchy but at least we are usually direct.
Stupid stupid inconsiderate men. :(

Yes, I know, there could be any number of reasons he didn't check.
But this isn't the first time he has put everything else in front of
me. Sucks.

Oh and bebops teacher called to say he wa written up yet again and
that none of the other kids want to play with him. Great.

--
Sent from my mobile device

Boys and toys

2008-10-10T06:03:00.001-07:00

Well BECG2 finally arrived last night. He liked my lingerie.
Tee-hee. But I was kind of stressed and just couldn't get into it.
The we-vibe was nice but I think I need to work with it a bit more to
figure it out.

After sex and cuddling, we had a bit of a fight. Which, in a
codependent world, means I asked him to do something for me, his
response didn't meet my expectations and I shrugged it off to be
pleasing and then went and sulked about it. He fell asleep. Grew a
pair this morning and told him how I was feeling. We talked it out
calmly like mature adults and he helped me see his perspective and
come up with an alternate solution. He really is very level-headed
and grounded and helps remind me that I cannot control anyone but
myself, as much as I might like to.

--
Sent from my mobile device

Don't Make Me Wait!

2008-10-09T18:53:00.001-07:00

My new toy has arrived. I'm wearing my sluttiest lacy black-and-red teddy with thigh-highs to boot. I'm showered, smelling good, and the kid is fast asleep inside with my parents. Where is BECG2? An hour late. :( Trying to listen to sexy songs (thanks T) and drinking a little Merlot to stay in the mood. At least there's always fantasizing. ;) Fucker.

TGI... Oh wait

2008-10-09T06:30:00.001-07:00

Crap, it is only Thursday. Bebop came into my bed for a cuddle around 5 and I ended up oversleeping. Perhaps the half bottle of Merlot was ill-advised. BECG2 did call around 11:15 p.m. to tell me all about his bad day. Then he asked me to talk to him. I told him I had blogged about it if he wanted to read. He said he needed his sleep but to call him if I wanted to talk. Okay. So I went to sleep. Dreamt that he was cleaning his house and telling s friend that he really needed s wife because all the housework was getting old. Weird. This morning I
checked stats and he did read my blog but didn't email or comment. Nope, just clicked on the link to naked boobs for breast cancer. Men!

Rearing its Ugly Head

2008-10-08T21:14:00.000-07:00

Ah, yes, that would be the codependency. I've been bummed tonight. Cleaning, drinking wine, listening to depressing music - wallowing. And did BECG2 call? No. (Okay, so I had my phone off, but no voicemail). Did he read my other blog where I lay it out in a real passive-aggressive way for him (nope - stat checker says no). Do you think he even realizes he pissed me off when he blew me off earlier? Probably not. So why am I so wound up? DAMN IT. And why is he so self-absorbed. And why am I so needy? And why can't I just tell him straight out that I need him to put his work stress aside for a moment and just be there for me. Is that too much to ask? Again, though, fucking codependency. I give, give, give and then resent when he doesn't reciprocate. Fuck.

Negative?

2008-10-08T18:06:00.000-07:00

If any of you are thinking, "Man, this chick is whiny!", you should know that this is my bitching blog. I have another one where I talk about everything else in life but I'm more exposed on that one and many people I know IRL read it. You can e-mail me at CODAGivingGirl at g mail if you want the other blog's URL.

The scream

2008-10-08T16:10:00.001-07:00

I can feel it inside me but it won't come out. The pressure has built
all afternoon. I haven't felt this way in months... Not since he
left. I lived for 8 years under his ever-increasing control, fearful
of his anger and disapproval and constantly trying to please. Right
before he left, I tied my stomach in knots - literally! Had to have
major surgery for it.

Now my stomach feels like it did back then. Like a burning, churning
ball of stress. I tried calling BECG2 for comfort. Ha! Wrapped up
in his own work shit, he said "go figure.". Yep, I can pick 'em.
Fuck!

--
Sent from my mobile device

And the shit hits the fan

2008-10-08T11:46:00.001-07:00

Three months after abandoning our son and fleeing to his home country,
X just called to say he has a ticket home next Sunday. Fuck, time to
change the locks and buy that gun.

--
Sent from my mobile device

Busy girl

2008-10-08T07:21:00.001-07:00

Rolled into work at 915 yesterday to find everything had gone to shit.
No drinks, no projector. Ugh. Worked it out (and fortunately my
boss and coworker were also late due to the crappy traffic) but now my
boss wants to "visit" with me. Shoot. I was in back to back meetings
yesterday so we couldn't talk but I know he was upset about the bad
impression made on our guests. Trying not to take his reaction too
personally but these situations always bring out the people-pleasing
side of me.

--
Sent from my mobile device

Sign?

2008-10-07T06:00:00.001-07:00

Now it is a full hour since I left home, I am back where I started and
my gas light just came on. I had decided to double back and see if
moving down one intersection would help my commute. Hahaha. UM, that
would be a no.

--
Sent from my mobile device

Crap

2008-10-07T05:37:00.000-07:00

I am sitting in a 10-mile traffic backup. Have a HUGE meeting today.
Need another two hours with the second of two papers due tonight.
Have a 3pm meeting with a guy who is very long-winded and in from
outside the country. Supposed to leave for class at 3:30. Forgot that
when I agreed to meet at 3. I am going to be soooo late! Trying to
chill but I can feel my BP rising by the minute.

--
Sent from my mobile device

Argh

2008-10-06T21:27:00.001-07:00

So I resisted calling BECG2 tonight after the weird nipple clamp conversation. Worked on homework instead (which is really what I should have been doing!) He just called. Didn't bring it up and neither did I. It was a regular conversation that, for all the steam involved, I could have had with my brother. Sigh... I get a lot from this relationship - comfort, cuddles, new experiences, a shoulder to lean on - but it sure doesn't stimulate that wild side of me. BECG2 doesn't check his e-mail very often and his phone is so old he can't text. That kind of kills my fun. ;) He may be what I need (i.e., an adult who calls me on my BS and is kind to me) and he is a very good man but sometimes I kind of want to scream.

Couldn't wait

2008-10-06T19:23:00.000-07:00

Man, I wish there was a Babeland near me. Would have hauled tail down there after class tonight. Instead, I made the fatal mistake of clicking on their latest sale e-mail and next thing I knew I was $165 poorer (most of that due to the fact that I wanted two-day shipping and even that is going to do me in - LOL). Please God, let this live up to the hype. I'll let you all know.

Craving

2008-10-06T17:13:00.001-07:00

I got a salad at Subway tonight and the lady seriously skimped on the
lettuce and veggies. It was such a bummer. This girl in class
brought gourmet popcorn for everyone to eat and I want it bad but of
course she is sitting up front where I can't reach without
interrupting everyone. Good thing I brought some apricot fruit
leather.

I was talking to BECG2 on the way here. We are planning a trip to the
local sex toy store. Since, probably due to some medication I am on, I need some serious stimulating to get off, we decided to get a toy to keep at his place. On the phone I mentioned that I have always wanted to try nipple clamps. He gasped and said "not for me!!" I laughed and
said I meant for me and then hung up to go to class. Not sure whether I freaked him out....

--
Sent from my mobile device

Ay!

2008-10-06T06:01:00.001-07:00

Is there such a thing as a delayed hangover? I was fine yesterday but
today my stomach burns and my head aches. Wtf?!?!

--
Sent from my mobile device

Theme songs

2008-10-06T05:58:00.001-07:00

I swear that the Dixie Chicks have written the songs that tell my life
story. When Wide Open Spaces Came out, I was in the process of
chucking everything and heading to Albuquerque where I knew no one to
live and go to school just because it seemed like a cool place.
Cowboy Take Me Away was the theme song when I was dating my
rodeo-riding rancher of an ex-husband. Not Ready to Make Nice helped
me vent my anger at my husbands infidelity. These days the song is
Sin Wagon. And, if I could find the strength and integrity inside me,
Don't Waste Your Heart on Me would probably be the song I would share
with BECG2.

--
Sent from my mobile device

Sunday musings

2008-10-05T21:07:00.000-07:00

So this weekend was interesting. On the one hand, BECG2s family are all really nice and a lot of fun to be around. On the other hand, a large part of me feels guilty for leaving Be-Bop at drop-in daycare from 9 a.m. until 7 p.m. Saturday so I could go out and have fun. I did go ask him if he wanted to go and he said that he'd rather stay for the art party and pizza. But the Mommy Guilt came on hard, probably because my own mother was riding my ass for not only "abandoning my child" but also for getting completely shitfaced.

The other hard part about the weekend was BECG2s attitude. His family is so much fun but he was kind of mopey. He's been sick and has a bad toothache. The head part of my gets it; the heart not so much. He's very caring but not very emotionally demonstrative and I have a really hard time with that. This morning I woke up and pulled on his future SILs cropped capri pants. My butt looked pretty cute. Started to tease him and gave him a long, romantic kiss. He just rolled back over and went to sleep. Wasn't very romantic most of the morning. It wasn't until we'd returned to his house mid-day and I practically shoved him up against the wall that he showed any kind of interest. Every time I start to think, "Well, he must just not really be all that into me," he turns around and does something sweet or sexy. It's very confusing to me and I am having a hard time figuring out my feelings. I'm not used to this type of guy.

Right now I'm wearing a shirt he left over here. I washed it and was going to give it back but it's nice and soft and worn so instead I threw it on. ;) He reads my other blog and part of me thinks/knows (?) he may find his way here. I can only hope that if/when he does, he can understand my need to talk out my feelings in order to try to reconcile them. This whole getting in touch with my true feelings thing is really difficult.

Right now my true feeling is one of exhaustion. I was going to go to sleep earlier, darn it. It is 11:16 and I am still up. Bed now!

Weekend Fun

2008-10-05T16:06:00.000-07:00

Drank too much, got naked and flashed BECG2's mother, slept next to BECG2s parents, fought with my mother about my "inappropriate life choices" and spent more than two hours with my legs spread in an uncomfortable position to accommodate my fat thighs and BECG2s big butt on his motorbike. Limping now. LOL. Did have fun sex Saturday AND Sunday, a definite plus.

A special photo taken on my cell by BECG2 during the worst part of the weekend:

Friday Night Reconsidered

2008-10-03T21:23:00.001-07:00

Instead of spending the evening with BECG2 like I have for the past month or so, I worked late (ugh) but recaptured the night by hanging with my kid, playing games and then allowing him to have a sleepover in my room. He is so much fun!!! Now he's silently snoring next to me. I watched TV for the first time in forever (DVR) and actually laughed. :) Now I'm off to sleep. Yawn! This is a much more low-key, less stressful night.

Cartoon Fun

2008-10-03T21:02:00.001-07:00

WTF

2008-10-03T12:07:00.001-07:00

I let other people's moods affect me far too much. BECG2 has been a
grouch this week and not calling when he says he will. I just feed
right into it, becoming more [s]mothering. Looks like concern but
really it is a desperate plea for attention. Makes me so irritated
with myself. And his self-absorption, rightful or not, makes me angry
and depressed.
I have made an appointment to see my doctor on wednesday because I am
in pain again (chronic nerve pain disorder) and she may raise my meds.
We will see.

--
Sent from my mobile device

New Addiction? [ADULT CONTENT]

2008-10-02T20:34:00.000-07:00

This site says it's impossible but I'm starting to wonder if I've become addicted to my vibrator. LOL. Ever since my divorce, I have been hyper-sexual, hence Webcam Guy, BECG2 for regular sex and last Saturday night's rendezvous with my good buddy, BECG1, who needed a good lay and got one. None of these guys (or the two one-night stands before them - Mr. Nobody and Mr. Arrogant) gave me what I needed. Webcam Guy has anger issues, especially when it comes to his ex. BECG2 is a big guy and has some medical issues but boy does he have a nice-sized penis that hits all the right spots. :) Unfortunately his skills in terms of what works for me aren't that great so I end up having to use the vibrator to finish. Similar problem with BCEG1, who has some serious ED issues. He does have some nice compensating skills but, whether from the damn anti-BowChickaBowWow drugs or his down attitude, I couldn't finish with him alone. The only awesome post-divorce sex was a full-day marathon with Mr. Nobody after a wicked hot night of phone/webcam sex and then he never called again. Sigh... Oh and Mr. Speed was texting me some hot shit but now he has found a girlfriend. So never mind. That's okay, though. He is too damn far away. I can't even get to the other side of my huge town (especially with all these traffic lights down!) so how am I going to get to Oregon?

Anyway, my vibrator is a very expensive, top-of-the-line model from Babeland and that's what worries me. Think you can get addicted to them? My guess is that I just haven't met a guy who turns me on enough. I keep picking "safe" guys. My ex knew how to push my buttons but he also DEMANDED that I let him get me off with oral sex at least four nights/week before he could finish himself. If I asked him to just do his part, he'd get furious. I guess some women wouldn't complain about that. My therapist says its abusive. All I know is that when it was good, it was DAMN GOOD! And probably the only part of my marriage I miss. But now I wonder if I will ever find good sex again without bringing my toy to bed?

Stolen from T

2008-10-02T19:52:00.000-07:00

"Your healing Voice protects all things today, and so I leave all things to You. I need be anxious over nothing. For Your Voice will tell me what to do and where to go; to whom to speak and what to say to him, what thoughts to think, what words to give the world. The safety that I bring is given me. Father, Your Voice protects all things through me."

~A Course in Miracles lesson for today

From the most awesome T at The Quest for T a true inspiration

Alone

2008-10-02T19:03:00.001-07:00

I don't know what I want, so don't ask me
Cause I'm still trying to figure it out
Don't know what's down this road, I'm just walking
Trying to see through the rain coming down
Even though I'm not the only one
Who feels the way I do
I'm alone, on my own, and that's all I know
I'll be strong, I'll be wrong, oh but life goes on
I'm just a girl, trying to find a place in this world

Got the radio on, my old blue jeans
And I'm wearing my heart on my sleeve
****
Could you tell me what more do I need?

X Returns

2008-10-02T06:07:00.001-07:00

X called this morning as I was walking out the door. I passed the
phone to BeBop but X wanted to talk to me. He asked if he can call
this weekend and have me change his plane ticket to next weekend.
Hmmm. I said fine then reminded him that, since he has been gone more
than 3 months, the house is rented. He said "how many rooms did they
rent?". Dumbass! Then he asked me to look into hotels for him. Lmao!
My mouth almost opened to tell him he could stay with bebop a few
nights but I managed to stuff that codependent tendency down.
Reminded him he has former coworkers he can call for help. Now we
will see. I'm not telling bebop until X,s butt is in the plane seat!

--
Sent from my mobile device

Wednesday

2008-10-02T04:43:00.000-07:00

I spent Wednesday crying. A lot. Got set off first thing in the morning and could not stop. Uber-impressive for work. Webcam Guy invited me to church and gave me a lecture on why I need to stop having sex and give my life to God. This from the man who lets me watch him do his thing (and vice versa) and is the dirtiest phone sex talker I've ever encountered. LOL. So after a hectic day at work and a ton of tears, I decided I could use a little church so I went. It ended up being very therapeutic. The session was a Rebuilders divorce recovery group and they were focusing on grief and anger, which God knows I have plenty of. More on that later.

Then I ignored Webcam Guy's "Be Good" message and called BECG2 to see what he was doing. Mopey man, he was cleaning his house and down in the dumps because he was feeling bad. I asked if he wanted to get dinner and sleep over and he said sure so I drove his way. He couldn't figure out where to eat and I wasn't in the mood to pick so, after driving around for 45 minutes, we ended up at Taco Hell. :( I got a Fiesta Zesty Chicken Bowl and a caramel apple empanada but foolishly ate the latter first and then got sick so I couldn't eat the real food. Bleech. Then I started crying again at home. BECG2 fell asleep. Yep, I sure know how to pick 'em.

Cast of Characters

2008-10-02T04:34:00.000-07:00

For those of you who didn't follow my other blog (and, ha-ha, even for those of you who did), here is the cast of characters for this one.

GG - me (Giving Girl)
X - Ex-husband
Be-bop - Son (5)
BECG2 - Guy I'm seeing (Blue-Eyed Cardiac Guy #2) (#1 and #2 work for the same hospital system on opposite sides of Big City)
BECG1 - FWB (Blue-Eyed Cardiac Guy #1)
Webcam Guy - FWB Christian friend who wants to save my soul
Mr. Speed - Man who wants me to move to Oregon to be his lover
Mr. Nobody - First Post-Divorce Sex
Mr. Arrogant - Selfish Sex man

Am I the only one?

2008-10-02T04:31:00.000-07:00

There is no good reason
I should have to be so alone
I'm smothered by this emptiness
Lord I wish I was made of stone
Like a fool I lent my soul to love
And it paid me back in change
God help me, am I the only one
Who's ever felt this way?
A heart that's worn and weathered
Would know better than to fight
But I wore mine like a weapon
Played out love like a crime
And it wrung me out and strung me out
And it hung years on my face
God help me, am I the only
Who's ever felt this way?
Now my sense of humor needs a break
I see a shadow in the mirror
And she's laughin' through her tears
One more smile's all I can fake
There is a wound inside me
And it's bleeding like a flood
There are times when I see a light ahead
Hope is not enough
As another night surrounds me
And it pounds me like a wave
God help me, am I the only one
Who's ever felt this way?

Therapy Bites

2008-10-01T05:11:00.000-07:00

Here's what I have learned in therapy:

1. I must be "needed" in order to have a relationship with others.

2. I value other's approval of my thinking, feelings, and behavior over my own.

3. I agree with others so they will like me.

4. I focus my attention on protecting others.

5. I believe most people are incapable of taking care of themselves.

6. I keep score of "good deeds and favors", becoming very hurt when they are not repaid.

7. I am very skilled at guessing how other people are feeling.

8. I can anticipate other's needs and desires, meeting them before they are asked to be met.

9. I become resentful when others will not let me help them.

10. I am calm and efficient in other people's crisis situations.

11. I feel good about myself only when I am helping others.

12. I freely offer others advice and directions without being asked.

13. I put aside my own interests and concerns in order to do what others want.

14. I ask for help and nurturing only when I am ill, and then reluctantly.

15. I cannot tolerate seeing others in pain.

16. I lavish gifts and favors on those I care about.

17. I use sex to gain approval and acceptance.

18. I attempt to convince others of how they "truly" think and "should" feel.

19. I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well-being of others.

LOL. Isn't that fucking great. Apparently I am a classic codependent. And the kicker of it all is that, as a fucking codependent, I have no clue how to escape the trap. I LIKE feeling needed. I LIKE helping others. Is something wrong with that? Apparently so, as I rarely get taken care of myself. So this blog is all about me and my journey to find healthy relationships following divorce with my ex-husband, my child, my family and any new men that come my way.