Monday, March 23, 2009

Challenged...

Apparently my divorce has turned me into a complete four-letter word that rhymes with butt. Or maybe I have always been one deep down? Or perhaps I just am using sex as an escape to avoid reality. I don't know. Ever since I broke up with BECG2, I have been absolutely bereft. Even though I know it was the right thing to do, it's like the floodgates open and I just want to cry all the time.

A few weeks ago I put an ad on Craigslist - single mom ISO single dad for FWB situation. Boy, did I get a lot of responses. Two guys seems somewhat normal and I gave them the time of day. After a week of exchanging seriously steamy texts and e-mails, one took me out for drinks. We went back to his place, I went down on him, then I went home. The other came over, I went down on him, he went home. That time it was because he had called earlier in the day and I had already finished with my toy. I don't know if I'm just not into this, not attractive to them, or just too giving (probably the latter). The first guy never called again. :( The second came over again tonight but AF showed up, I'm sick, etc., so it was all him again. He says "it's on" next week. We'll see...

Another guy invited me to a gangbang. Ha. Yeah, like I'm going to offer myself up to a group of 10 men at some anonymous location THEY pick. Not freaking likely.

I think the problem is the friends part. I was so irritated when BECG2 moved things from sex and fun into "love" because I was having fun and enjoying spending time alone with myself as well as time with him. I just don't know how to find that again. Someone who I enjoy being around who will take me out, have fun, have sex with me, but not expect the world and a commitment Right.This.Minute! I need some time to find me. But, damn it, I need sex. I like it, I want it, and I don't think I should have to live without it. But I don't think having it with Joe Stranger is the way to go either. Especially if I'm not getting anything in return (even if I do get pretty turned on by going down on a man...).

Everyone keeps telling me to enjoy being alone. I want to tell them to stick it where the sun don't shine. Grrr. I like having male companionship. I crave it. I can work on me but I need my sex fix. Is that so wrong? Men go out and pay for it, for pete's sake. Why the double standard here?

5 comments:

Senorita said...

You wrote:
"I just don't know how to find that again. Someone who I enjoy being around who will take me out, have fun, have sex with me, but not expect the world and a commitment Right.This.Minute!"

I went through this stage after I broke up with my ex, and I wanted the same thing. But the truth is, is it is very, very difficult to find a FWB situation like this. I told this to my guy friend who laughed in my face after telling him about this seemingly perfect FWB situation. If the man is treating you well, he will want a relationship. If he wants a FWB situation, he will most likely treat you like crap, or treat you nicely the first time until he gets sex, then he treats you like leftovers after.

I don't think you need to enjoy being alone like others seem to tell you. But I do think you may need to take some time off for a month or two, because it doesn't sound like you're having fun right now.

There is nothing wrong with you needing a sex fix, but I honestly don't think you can truly work on yourself while getting a sex fix. Because most guys in FWB situations will either treat you like crap or want to move into relationship zone, neither of which gives you an opportunity to work on yourself.

If I am coming off with the wrong tone, I don't mean to. I can relate to your post.

I have never heard of a gangbang situation and find that highly disturbing. I couldn't imagine someone who would agree to that.

Senorita said...

I also think you should take down the big four letter word in your title. It's really demeaning to yourself, and I really think it's making you feel worse about yourself. I wouldn't classify you as one, and after writing these words, you'll eventually believe it and drag yourself down.

T said...

Enjoy yourself. And try not to judge yourself so harshly. YOU are the only one judging, honey. Its all in how you're carrying yourself through this. Accept where you are and don't question it.

Now... can I follow the same advice?

Mike said...

It's only a problem when it's no longer optional for you. Please be safe and careful.

GG said...

Thanks all. Great advice. One of the guys came over last night, even though I was sick, and then texted me again today! (I ignored him today, I was busy). I think Senorita got it right. Crap/leftovers. But T also got it right. I need to stop judging myself. If I want it and ask for it, then I need to go for it and accept it for what it is and move on when I want to. Mike, good point. I can stop anytime right now. If I was hitting up a different random stranger every night, then I'd be worried. Far from it! I can still count my number of lovers on my fingers - no need to move to toes yet. ;)

P.S. Senorita, I think the gangbang guy is just trolling. I guess he figures the more people he invites (he even had a link with "party" pics!), the more likely he is to get someone who is interested. Not me!